Every MLB player claims to show up at spring training in the best shape of their life. In this imagined monologue, one player is very sorry for lying.
Teammates. Friends. Members of the media. Thank you for assembling at this press conference, which looks almost exactly like the one the Astros held in 2020 after news of their cheating scandal broke. Like, almost exactly like it. I'm even holding that tiny piece of paper Jose Altuve had that day. So just imagine that tableau as I speak.
Three weeks ago, I made a declaration that took on a life of its own. Speaking to reporters after the first day of spring training workouts, I noted that I felt like I was in the best shape of my life. At the time, I had no idea how much weight my words could hold, and I am truly sorry.
The reality is, while I am in perfectly acceptable shape for a 33-year-old man of sound mind and sturdy build, I have [sniffles] been in better shape before at other points in my life.
In high school, I was in better shape than I am today. My 11th-grade biology teacher measured my body fat for an experiment and reported it to the class — perhaps a trauma in and of itself, but that's for me to dissect later. The figure she announced is empirically better than where I registered in mid-February. The worst part is, I had tangible proof of the lie, and still went ahead telling it, like some kind of rose-colored-glasses-wearing monster. I also was anecdotally in better shape at the ages of 22, 24, 27, and 29. I felt better. It was easier for me to breathe. [guttural sobs] I can only hope to be forgiven.
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MLB player apologizes for claiming he was in the best shape of his life at spring training
I also want to apologize — and this is really hard — for the time I promised I was giving 110 percent down the stretch. That is an impossible percentage to give. I was trying to give 100, but my actual effort was probably more like 92. I'd had roast duck the night before, and as I ran out my first-inning groundout, I could feel myself being weighed down by the duck. I am so very sorry.
It has also come to my attention — and this hurts the most — that I may have misled you by celebrating my dramatic ALCS home run last October by screaming, "This is my city!" At the time, I had no idea I'd lost the mayoral election. I was under the impression that my team would be pursuing a recount. It was never my intention to subvert the political process and the will of the people with such a declaration.
Additionally, I may not have been entirely truthful when I said that the 25 other men in the locker room are my family. Only two of them are my family — my brothers Mark and Dennis. The rest are just [gags on spittle] very good friends.
And this one hurts the most. When I said our city's fans were the best fans in the world ... I was telling the truth. But I'd also said that about the fans in my old city before I signed here in free agency. So, to the fans in my old city, I'd like to say: You reek. To the fans in my new city: Everything I said is accurate, keep on keepin' on.
In conclusion, I have regretted a lot of boilerplate idioms in recent years, but I pledge that I will strive to do better. In fact, it says right here on this tiny piece of Jose Altuve's paper (remember from earlier?) that I am currently in the shape of my life that is 18th-best. And from here on out, total honesty is what you can expect from me. I will always be the first in the Honesty Gym and the last one out, unless I had duck the night before and I can hear it sloshing around.
Thank you, and let's go out there and take it one day at a time, which is the only manner in which it is possible to take days.