Can you imagine an NBA without LeBron James? Can LeBron imagine an NBA without LeBron? Well, stop thinking about that. Think about these other things — things that would allow King James to imagine a life beyond basketball, should he decide he doesn't want to return to the Los Angeles Lakers next season.
1) Backyard breed dogs
You, reader of this article? You? No. Don't do this. I don't care how much you love your dog and love your dog's love and want to share that love with the world. Breeding when you don't know what you're doing is a horrible idea.
Unless you're LeBron. He can do it. It's fine.
2) Develop a poor coping mechanism and greatly overcorrect trying to fix it
Does this sound a little overly personal to you? That's just because you're wrong. Everyone does this and does it constantly. It's not just me who can think of a dozen different examples off the top of my head.
But yeah, you know how LeBron is old for a basketball player? He can be like that one tech idiot person who is trying to reverse his aging. Have you seen him recently? He looks awful. He'll probably die soon.
Maybe LeBron probably shouldn't do that after all. Ignore this one. This is a list of 24 things now.
3) Football
LeBron always looked like a tight end. When he was in Cleveland people were like “lol come to the Browns” and he was like “lol why would I do that to myself?"
But maybe getting in some NFL training camp time would be good for the soul. Definitely not for the body, though; he might crumple. I mean, he's athletic and incredible and all that stuff, but these are different, untrained muscles and a different sort of physicality.
Man, this might be a bad idea too. LeBron could take up soccer today and be the best player in the world who has also scored the most total points in NBA history. Also, the World Cup is coming up, and LeBron is definitely cringe enough to try and make some bit of it about him. There is time.
5) Really test that ankle
Or both ankles, really. How far can it stretch? Can it stretch more? Wemby seems to have joints made of rubber, and that could be the key to LeBron playing another 10 or 15 years if he wants to, I guess.
6) Read the second page of a book
One of those first pages had to have been good, right? Maybe he can think of one of them and go back to it.
The Bible starts off hot. A Tale of Two Cities. Maybe Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. It's hard to say! I don't know what he likes. Unfortunately, I'm not sure he does either.
7) Get really into religion
Pick your favorite! Then dedicate hours of your day to practice and study! Give it a whirl! Some people really like being religious.
8) Buy a house
I bet LeBron could afford another house. Maybe this time he could get one in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Appleton, Wisc., was recently voted New Best Place by voters (probably). LeBron could get in on a hot, new (well, it's rather cold and has been around a while) city while it's still in its early-adopter phase!
Check out Appleton, Wisc.! Maybe LeBron’s favorite city!
9) Pilot his own private jet
Think of all the fun tricks he could do! Remember Starfox 64, and Peppy was all “Do a barrel roll!”? I do. You can tell because I just wrote about it.
I didn't always do a barrel roll when Peppy tried to make me, but that dialogue lives on. Anyway, LeBron should do one of those. Practice in VR first.
10) Get good at basketball
Up until this point, I think we can all agree LeBron has been coasting on athleticism. It's time he buckles down and really learns the ins and outs of the game. Maybe develop a jumper.
That last paragraph was written in 2007, and it sucked then too.
11) New Hampshire
There's gotta be something to do.
12) Remain calm
Things are really quite awful right now for people of color, immigrants, queer people of many descriptions, people with chronic health conditions or who are otherwise immunocompromised, and on and on. LeBron could try facing all the troubles of the world and remaining calm.
How would he do that? It's different for every person. But it starts by realizing one person can make a difference and finding your best way of giving back. It's amazing how well that works. I write stupid stuff sometimes for my own entertainment, but I will say with conviction that the best way I've ever found to make myself feel better has been trying to find my own way of doing something for other people. It doesn't have to be huge or exotic, and it doesn't even have to cost anything. Just give of yourself.
Alternatively …
13) Break bad
He's probably rich and well regarded enough to get away with it. Look at the spoiled South African idiot who was the shadow president for a few months. He is one of the most despised people in the world, but he was so rich and for whatever reason tolerated, if not regarded, in the right circles that he was able to create an embarrassing government department that cut foreign aid so stringently that I've seen estimates that millions of people of color may die.
LeBron is not as rich as Elon, but he’s rich enough and has more respect and likability by far. He's smarter than Elon too. He could definitely get away with worse if he put some gumption into it.
14) See how much sushi he can eat in one sitting
I've never done this, but people do do this. It seems really expensive, but as stated already Bron has more money than any person ever needs.
Like seriously, think of how much good you could do for the world with a billion dollars. And to me eating raw fish and rice is an act of charity.
I think.
I don't know. Everything is weird these days.
15) Try out a bunch of new words in conversation
You know how if you listen to Stephen A Smith for long enough you'll hear him use a word and you'll be like “I don't think that's quite right…”? I know he used to do it; maybe he's better now. But LeBron could do that too!
Think of how many words there are! At least a thousand. You can just pick a random one each day and go to town. Get a dictionary. American Heritage is my recommendation. Open it. Point at a word. Bam. Star of the day.
It'll make you look smart! Or the opposite.
16) Build a retro gaming console out of a raspberry pi
I'm sure he has a few lying around with his spare TV’s for like because the 84-inch and the 91-inch screens started seeming a bit too small. And he knew he was going to tinker with the tiny circuit board eventually, but distractions like family and career kept getting in the way.
LeBron, it's time. Spindizzy Worlds misses you.
17) RAZOR SCOOTER
PLZ LEBRON MAKE THEM COOL AGAIN
or dont wtvs
18) Develop a chili recipe
Here are some things to try with your chili to see if it alters the flavor to your liking:
- Try including a shallot
- Liquid Smoke
- Using fresh hatch chiles when in season or canned when not
- Cook bacon, take it out, cook your veggies in the bacon fat, rest of chili as usual, use crumbled bacon as optional topping
- Really let it simmer, like at least 2 hours
Just ideas. I tried all of them at once once, and it was weird, but I think I just deviated too substantially. I will try again.
19) Keanu Reeves movie marathon
LeBron could lock himself in his media room, which I know he has at least one of, and watch every single Keanu Reeves movie in chronological order. Maybe invite Keanu Reeves.
There are a lot of them, and he may have to sleep, but think of all the fun! John Wick, Matrix, Point Break, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and the others!
I know he has important stuff to do, so maybe having the bad movies on in the background while doing that other stuff on his phone would be good, but he has so much time now to charge his Keanu Crystal.
20) Change legal name to something unexpected
Metta World Peace. Chad Ochocinco. Johnny Football. (That last one isn't real, I just think it would have been funny.)
LeBron could join this list. Does he want to? That's his decision to make.
21) Rent out a Brazilian steakhouse and see how long he can go for
This is different from the sushi one because we're going for time rather than weight. Other than that, just sit down and go hard. Bring speakers. Maybe tell them in advance and leave a good tip.
People always talk about how bad beef is for the environment, so getting rid of a lot of it at once is good. Wow, that joke is lame.
22) Imagine really hard
If you use your imagination, you can go anywhere and do anything!
I think a lot of adults balk at that, unfortunately, but, like, it's true? Imagining stuff is really fun. And it's free. People seem to buy shit to fill a hole that could well easily be at least substantially filled by engaging with the part of your mind that still appreciates fun and play.
And if you feel you don't have access to that part of your mind anymore? I so feel that. I've been there. You can get it back. And it is so worth it.
23) Become a furry
Everyone in the furry fandom is so weird. The good kind of weird for the most part. I recommend hanging out with good weird people. They're the best. It makes the world as it is today make a lot more sense. I think, for a long time, we had a very strict, patriarchal, white-supremacist sense of normalcy. As that vision is starting to shatter, the stronger you cling to that vision of America and its place in the world, the harder time you have with the ever-evolving reality we live in. I'm not saying furries don't experience that, but they've experienced it for longer and have developed healthy coping mechanisms.
I think LeBron would be a great furry. I'd love to recommend a fursona, but that's a very personal thing.
:)
24) Learn to start a fire with twigs
I used to know how to do this, but I forgot. Maybe when Bron learns he can teach me.
25) Self Care
This has been one of the most interesting seasons of LeBron’s career, whether it's the last one or not. Every human, even super humans, need rest and recovery.
That's one thing that is so frequently talked about with LeBron, his attention to recovery, both physically and mentally.
But self care often deals with emotions, not physical exhaustion or worn attention. How does one deal with the approaching specter of retirement? Bronny is on his team. Is he still on it if Bron Sr. takes off or retires? He's always pursued a life outside of basketball, but what happens when basketball is not there to fall back on?
I hope he takes the time for himself and for his loved ones that he needs.
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