I'm not calling any player on the San Antonio Spurs lazy. I'm calling myself lazy, and I want to play on the Spurs. Someone once told me something akin to, “The real American dream is being so good at your job that you get promoted to a position where you don't have to do anything anymore.” I hate that! I don't talk to that person anymore.
But unfortunately, they're not the only person who believes it. And today I’m going to pretend I agree with that estimation of humanity’s peak to stave off cognitive dissonance.
So you know what? If I were making millions of dollars, my name was known globally, Wemby was my teammate, and I got to live in the beautiful city of San Antonio (they have a river walk! Other things too, probably!) maybe I would take a season or two off. Maybe you would too! And if we did, here are some reasons that would be awesome.
1. If Wemby was your teammate, you could just throw a lob anywhere
So, I'm 6-foot. That's the reason I'm not in the NBA. Not the lack of talent, esteem, or determination.
But at 6-foot, it's pretty hard to picture myself anywhere but point. My fifth grade coach always taught me to drive into the paint as best I could then kick it out or down low once a defender commits (very two-years ago OKC, now that I think about it), but that was against other fifth -graders.
Fifth -graders, on average, are smaller and weaker than NBA players. I, on the other hand, have maybe grown a couple inches since then. Driving into a lane occupied by Bam Adebayo seems painful and kind of self-loathing in a way. Plus, I got the feeling my mom didn't really like me playing contact sports past a certain age. I’m definitely older than I used to be.
So basically, yeah. I just kind of want to stand at the top of the 3-point arc, yell something, then throw the ball near the rim for Wemby, and get an assist. I need my assist numbers up.
My secret illegal betting Discord would only be betting on my overs, so don't worry.
2. You can just sort of poke at the ball on point-of-attack defense
I know there have been plenty of somewhat diminutive guards that have made a name for themselves on defense. Chris Paul was a menace for a long time. Patrick Beverly seemed fueled by his opponents’ irritation. You can add a lot of value to your team without accumulating any offensive stats at all.
Bump that.
I will be funneling my assignment toward Wemby, standing flat-footed for a bit while my teammates make rotations, then I will lock in on the non shooter that moved to the corner in hopes I can crash for a rebound, and at the very least save my energy for offense.
Well, I'm not gonna crash. I'm gonna be in the area in case a rebound happens. I'll probably jump to get it, depending on what mood I’m in.
3. You can just deflect complaints about being passive by saying you’re defaulting to the best player
“Mat. You are doing next to nothing out there. If you didn't insist on playing all your minutes next to Wemby, you might have the worst +/- in the league. DO SOMETHING!” they'll say to my inactive Twitter account.
And on Bluesky and Mastodon I'll be blissfully unaware of all of it. I'll block anyone who even hints at offering criticism, and I'll post about vegetables.
“Tried green beans for the first time today,” I'll lie.
“Neat!” Someone might reply.
Hopefully I'll get a like or two. That will be enough indication that my life is on the right track, and most decisions up to this point have been close to perfect. If anything, I should give myself more credit and be lazier.
And if this comes from a coach, I’ll complain to Wemby.
4. He'll tell me about his secret “be real tall" potion
No one gets that tall by normal means.
Victor Wembanyama, as a small child, sought out a witch in a small hut in a place he was told never to go. He was warned not to go by the rest of his village (or city, idk), but something kept calling him to the woods on the outskirts of town.
You wouldn’t think much of it just driving by. It's a fairly large but generally inconspicuous swath of trees. They only reveal themselves as strange to the people who live nearby. It's incredibly hard to record the audio, but at various times throughout the day it sounds like the forest talks. You can never pick out the words, but you can very, very easily tell what mood they're in. Rarely is it good.
If you're not local, you just think to yourself “oh, just some people being loud in the woods.” You might get a little put off if and when it does get a little more screechy or angry, but maybe it's just a picnic that's gone poorly. And no one in town is going to correct you.
But that's not what's going on. It's not people. No one goes in there. Not for a picnic. Not to experience nature. It's just understood the woods are there and are to be left alone.
This is going to make you upset, but there have been people walking their dogs (off-leash, so it's kind of their fault) when the forest starts calling, and have watched their pets bolt for the trees… and they don't go in after them. The fact this has happened more than once is pretty gross in my opinion. Once should have been enough, but no. And no, the dogs didn't come back.
But I should have said nearly no one goes in there. People do. And people who do go in there want to. And the people who do go in there only go once. And they come back different. And no one ever has updates on the dogs.
That's where the witch is! She’s cool. She does witch stuff. Kinda like the people on Etsy but better and with a big cauldron. The hut is cozy. There are a couple of sectionals with electric footrests, a hammock she probably thought people were going to use but is just filled with plushies at this point, and a row of oddly fancy beanbag chairs. I think there are speakers in them.
It's not exactly a shrine, but there's a portion of a wall dedicated to Boris Diaw. It's presented a little tongue in cheek, but only in the way people do when they're embarrassed by how sincerely and how intensely they love something. It’s a defense mechanism to be sure, but the world can be a harsh and scary place so we’re not going to judge her for it, are we?
Thank you.
She’ll put on League Pass, and she'll probably try to push the conversation toward defensive coverages. People try to explain the difference between at-the-level and drop to her, and she can kind of repeat back what you say, but when she actually goes to identify the coverage in real time it's basically like flipping a coin.
But what she can do remarkably well is call out footwork. I’m always impressed by people who can do that.
Sorry. Anyway.
At this point the witch is all, “Vic, I'm having a great time, but people only come here if they want something. No, it’s okay! I'm not offended. If I wanted more visitors, I'd do something about that, but I like to keep to myself. Most of my friends are online, you know? So I'm happy to help out. I got three potions. One makes you really rich, but also makes you evil and stupid. That's the most popular. This orange one has some slight carbonation and gives you all the knowledge of the internet. This is partially responsible for the 2008 recession. Unfortunately, something called chatgpt (I will not capitalize it) is going to exist, and by the year 2030 this potion will only have deleterious effects on your mind, body, and personal relationships. And you'll think it's everyone else's fault. And you’ll think you’re really awesome. People seem to like that one too. And this last one just makes you really tall. No one ever wants that one, so you can have a bunch.”
That's how that went.
5. The proletariat is becoming restless because they correctly judge that I simply do not care about them
If I was any NBA player taking a year off, I'd talk to Wemby about all the fun things he learned over the summer. The books, the training, how he tricked Gobert into shaving his head, how he grew another inch. And so on.
I wouldn't be doing this to learn from him, of course. I'd be doing it to pay superficial lip service to the idea that I actually should and do care and that I am trying to better myself. To be clear, the point is not to better myself. The point is to better give the impression that I intend to better myself.
Have you noticed that people basically lie to your face all the time? It’s great. I love it.
6. If I make someone angry I can just hide behind Wemby and no one will see me, then it will all blow over
Object permanence is a myth.
7. I don't have to take tip-offs
Man, there must be so much pressure on the people taking the jump ball.
What if you jump too early? People will think you're an idiot.
What if you jump too late? People will think you're an idiot.
Actually get the tip, but you send the ball flying out of bounds or to an opponent? Idiot, idiot, idiot.
Wemby seems up to the pressure, and that's how I know he's going to make it in the NBA. But he's also going to keep growing an inch every summer until he dies, so eventually he's just going to stand there and catch the thing.
8. I might win a basketball game
Do you know how rare an occurrence that has been in my life? Every basketball team on which I have had a chance to directly impact winning or losing, we lost a whole bunch. And you know what the common the denominator to all of them was? Me! Therapy helps!
But yeah, I feel like Wemby is really good. As much as I love accumulating stats because that’s what people remember, in this case I can just sit on the bench. I feel like that'd probably be beneficial. Maybe a couple of spot minutes because everyone will feel bad for me.
But looking at last night's box score, I see Riley Minix with two minutes of play. The Spurs won by 33 points. The team was plus-4 with him on the court. I think if I were to have taken Riley’s minutes, I don’t think I would have been above a -28. I think the Spurs would still win.