Halloween, right? Exactly. Anyways. Every time I try to type it, my fingers default to spelling it “Hallowwen.” I think I’m haunted.
The cool thing about being haunted is that I get a free pass to really liking Hallowwen. Ween. I get to be someone who says, “No, it’s different for me. I spent so much time on this costume because I’m haunted.” The problem is, I don’t want to be that person. So I’m not.
What I do instead to distract me from all the ghosts I see as my own face in the mirror is to see if anyone is having a fun time on the internet. When live sports are happening, the ghosts are most distracted, so that’s when I go looking for costumes. Per my official metrics, these are the top five NBA costumes of 2025. I will not be ranking them because that might give away my metric, and once the ghosts know it then, like, that’s it for me. I’m done for.
Outstanding: Sexy Alex Caruso
Now, I want you to stop how you’re thinking about this right now. Stop it. You might have already had an opinion or an image in your head after you read “sexy Alex Caruso.” I want you to banish it. Start over. Take whatever time you need.
Alright. So what we’re going to do instead is picture what “Sexy Alex Caruso” means to you, like a pitch meeting between marketing and a high-level company executive.
“And this is what we’re here for today, Steve. If we can go to the next slide…”
“This better be the last one, Bill. My son’s graduation started 20 minutes ago, and I still have to hit the vending machine.”
“Sexy Alex Caruso.”
“I’m going to hit you with the vending machine.”
“No. Steve. Just sit with it for a bit. Over here? Sexy. And over here? Alex Caruso. Now. Put them together. Do you see what I mean?”
“Bill, you did this exact same thing for Isaac Okoro last year.”
“But this time it’s sexier. And here’s why…”
Now. You, dear reader, get to finish that thought. And then dress up as wherever the h*ck it goes. Sexy Alex Caruso.
Success meets excess: A gambling scandal
I refuse, as should you, to make a personal example of any one case. It’s a systemic issue, not a handful of outlier cases separate from the real life, real time universal virtue that is online sports wagering. SNAP benefits aren’t going out this month. Pretty neat that you can blow five dollars on a same-game parlay every night, though.
I don’t mean them. I mean you. Anyways, my point is you can take inspiration from so many real life cases at this point. No need to dress up as any one player or incident. Jontay Porter is still probably the funniest, but that’s 2024 stuff.
You can show your own diversity as a sports fan by taking from other sports too. Truly, there is more than enough inspiration to make a movie out of it. If Moneyball can somehow be made interesting to some people, presumably, surely X-ray cameras revealing marked cards has a chance. So, from what I’ve seen this October, the key elements of best gambling scandal related costume are:
- A clear, contorted look of sadness whenever you’re not being directly spoken to, but an air of “Nah, man, I’ve never been better. I can’t wait to clear my name publicly” overcompensatory swagger when ever involved in conversation.
- Glasses. Have to look like you’re at least paying attention to what’s happening around you.
- Do. Your. Hair. Differently.
- If you’re going with someone to be your lawyer, do not go with your partner or your friend or, ideally, anyone you can especially stand. Financially compensate someone to stand next to you with a briefcase. If they seem like they have any interest in being there, like, the costume just doesn’t work.
- Sexy Alex Caruso
The reason for the real start to the season: NBA Christmas Day
Some people think the NBA season doesn’t truly tip off until Christmas day. The thought is at that time in the season, there’s enough gameplay to feel the sample size means something. Teams and players should be a bit firmer in their foundation or making changes on the one that didn’t quite work. You know, the idea of each individual team is more fully formed, and one thinks they should be, like, warmed up I guess. I dunno.
So, I’m going to be honest here? I just kind of started typing all of that out in hopes I would remember what this costume looked like, because I took a screenshot of Mastodon about a week ago, but I don’t see it in my phone, and the problem was I was distracted by the air fryer at the moment because the cat bumped into it (it was actually me), so I didn’t get a good look at it. I just know some part of my brain thought it was really funny.
Like, have you heard of Smelf the Elf? I swear I’m not making that up, either. I’m not making any of this up.
Anyways, as best as I can remember it had something to do with Gilbert Arenas and a family of bear ornaments, but the more I type this out the hazier the memory gets, so I’m just going to give up.
A favor house Pacific: Emo Seattle Supersonics fan
They should really just get over it at this point, right? I mean, like, come on, right?
Anyone in Seattle who wasn’t happy for the Thunder when they won the championship is just feeling bad for themself. Teams leave cities all the time. You think just because you have childhood memories of a championship parade, that somehow matters more than a guy who got really rich selling mediocre coffee making his money back to someone who was very clear from the start going to take someone else’s ball and go home?
That’s just life. You human. You wretched feeling-haver. You complicated, beautiful collection of experiences and memories that make up a greater, connected whole. If you didn’t want the Sonics to move, you should have bought them.
Oh, you couldn’t? Oh, you have student loan debt? Oh, you took a financial risk on something that deeply mattered to you but then suddenly economic failsafes you depended on to make that risk one you’d even consider taking in the first place disappeared beneath your feet, and now you’re trying to manage getting out of debt while still maintaining hope that everything you ever worked for amounts to more than an account balance to be divvied out upon your death?
Pathetic.
And now for something completely different: Alex Caruso as drawn by Terry Gilliam
This is probably the opposite of Sexy Alex Caruso. And I don’t mean this as an insult, but I think it could be easier to pull off?
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Monty Python’s Flying Circus, but episodes would often have somewhat alarming animated interstitials that Terry Gilliam did. You can just go ahead and search pictures of stuff online these days. I recommend doing so.
Did you do it? Good.
Anyway, as you probably can tell, the animations did not shy away from being creepy. They basically lived in the uncanny valley. Some of what was there was fairly hyperrealistic for the time, as far as I’m aware, while other bits were strangely shadowed and bulbous. I remember being pretty scared of a lot of it as a kid. I would look away at certain parts of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
The more you think about it, kinda, the more disturbing it gets. And that would just be casually played among absurd sketches about the Spanish inquisition, Fibro-Val not breaking tables in the washing machine, and silly walks.
And that’s the vibe, baby. Everyone else in costumes will be having a good time, making jokes, having conversation, maybe having a Reese’s cup because sometimes on Hallowwen allergies just go away for a bit (ChatGPT told me).
Then there’s you. Just kind of standing in the room, exceptionally conspicuously, calling attention to yourself whenever there might be anything approaching a silence, maybe near people, in a giant paper mache head of Alex Caruso and a headband made from plastic bags you got from Kroger because you keep leaving your canvas ones in the car.
In conclusion
I plan to hand out candy in a red t-shirt that says “recession indicator.” Maybe next year I can be more creative, like these costumes I found above. Probably not though.
Stay spooky!