Need a window closed? Call Orioles GM Mike Elias, Window-Closing Specialist

Do you need a pesky window closed, but you're not sure how to do it without getting your hands dirty? Hi. I'm Mike Elias of the Baltimore Orioles, and nobody closes a window like me and gets away with it, scot-free!

Just one year ago, the Orioles were the undisputed class of the American League, rattling off 101 wins and boasting the game's best farm system to boot. We may have lost a quick postseason series against the Texas Rangers, but hey, we were a young team. It happens. Most would've said we were set up nicely for future success, ready to graduate potential superstars like Jackson Holliday, Coby Mayo and Connor Norby.

But me? I was focused on a window so terrifyingly open that a bear could've entered at any time. Have you ever lived with a window stuck so far open that a bear could go in there?

So, instead of trading some of that excess infield talent for a controllable ace or two to supplement things, I called on Corbin Burnes to help me shut the window; he did some quality jimmying before leaving for Arizona. Instead of infusing my roster with impact pieces at the trade deadline, I asked Trevor Rogers and Eloy Jiménez to come help me; Rogers almost shut that thing forcefully all by himself. And, this offseason, with another chance to clear some space for the kids and bring in veteran leadership after watching 101 wins become 91, I came up with a genius alternative: Let's get seven more outfielders in here and shut this thing once and for all.

Don't believe me? Why wouldn't you?! But, if you happen to not, just listen to these satisfied customers!

"Mike Elias isn't just the best window closer in the business. His keen sense of the mechanics of windows can help you open yours. Without Mike's calculations and risk aversion, we never would've seen the value in signing Alex Bregman. Thanks, Mike!" - Alex Cora, Boston Red Sox manager

"My team is the best in the American League. Again. I have no idea how this keeps happening. I'm not even doing anything. Appreciate you as always, Mike!" - Aaron Boone, New York Yankees manager

"I never knew the joy of closing a window tightly shut, and sooner than expected, until I met Mike. What can I say? I learned from the best!" - Nico Harrison, Dallas Mavericks GM

Wow. Hearing that from Nico ... I mean, he's the gold standard. But if you're not local to the Dallas area and you want a window closed, I'm your guy. The Yankees are coming off a pennant. The Red Sox farm is better than ours, and their big-league roster probably is, too. Some windows, like the one in L.A., never have to close. But that's just not how our window is built. Better earlier than later, I always say.

Now, I did leave our window open just a crack to let a draft in. Man, I love the draft. But our FanGraphs preseason playoff odds are down to below 50%. 18 months after 101 wins. You can't beat that degree of shutter slamming!

And if you call today, right now, we'll even give you 25 percent off on your window closing. The savings go towards extending Adley Rutschman and Gunnar Henderson — nah, I'm just kidding. I have absolutely no idea where they go. But it's nice to have savings!