It's late June, one of the rare fallow points in the NFL schedule. Free agency is mostly done, we've already gotten a look at the new rookies in camp and preseason games are still over a month away. For Chicago Bears fans, our hype for the Ben Johnson era couldn't be any higher. All that's left to do is play the waiting game until we can finally see what all the fuss is about. Still, football is never far from our brains.
Speaking of brains, the recent release of 28 Years Later got us thinking — if a zombie apocalypse ever did happen, which Bears would help us get through it? You might think this is a silly exercise, and you'd be right, up until the moment that you're cowering in a closet and hoping your ragged breath can't be heard through the door by something hungry and relentless.
We're all hoping that the Bears give us a reason to cheer this upcoming season, but first, let's pick out which ones can help us make it out alive if Chicago ever turns into Raccoon City.
Caleb Williams' cannon of an arm is the ultimate weapon
Outrunning the zombies should be the first option before engaging them in combat, but if we ever do need to stand our ground, Caleb Williams would be our first draft pick, a position he's accustomed to being in.
Caleb's got a gun. Not a literal one, of course, but the next closest thing with his powerful arm. The first order of business will be retreating to the Soldier Field equipment room, where we can arm the face of the franchise with a mountain of footballs.
Caleb's quick release will allow him to mow down walkers faster than they can shamble toward us, and in the event that we're dealing with the fast-moving Rage Virus-infected zombies from the 28 Days Later franchise, his practice hitting DJ Moore on slants and Rome Odunze on post routes will allow him to perfectly lead those zombies with a critical headshot.
Caleb's ability to improvise will come in handy no matter where we have to face down the horde. If no footballs are handy, he'll be just as effective throwing rocks, grenades or any other projectile. His resilience in getting up after every one of his 68 sacks last year also means that we can count on him to not abandon us when the going gets tough. Through thick and thin, Bears win.
Tory Taylor's booming kicks will punish any zombie that gets within 60 yards
Caleb infamously told Tory Taylor that he wouldn't be punting much when the two were drafted together in 2024. That prophecy didn't exactly come to fruition under the not-so-watchful eye of former offensive coordinator Shane Waldron, but the good news is that when Taylor needs to kick it, he's as dependable as they come.
It will be easy to forget that we're fighting for our lives and not watching a trick shot show as Taylor showers the undead with his high, booming kicks. The hang time alone will prove fatal, as the footballs rain down from a great height and with precise, coffin corner accuracy to turn the zombies into puddles. Strap a stick of lit dynamite to them for maximum effectiveness.
Like the immunity-carrying Ellie from The Last of Us, Taylor's golden leg must be protected at all costs. Just like Naughty Dog and HBO's young heroine, though, he can more than hold his own in a fight. He'll keep the infected at bay from a distance, then Caleb can finish them off if they get any closer.
Once new arrival Joe Thuney gets his hands on a zombie, it's all over
From Shaun of the Dead to The Walking Dead, Zombies Ate My Neighbors to Left 4 Dead, we've seen some pretty creative ways to dispatch those that wish to snack on your brain. I'm pretty sure we've never seen one get pancake-blocked into oblivion, though.
I would love to see the Bears' entire revamped offensive line available to keep us upright, but if I had to choose just one of the big boys to take to the trenches, it would have to be Joe Thuney. The former Chief has a history of protecting precious cargo in Patrick Mahomes, and as a back-to-back First Team All-Pro selection, he's still at the top of his game.
Thuney is going to be protecting Caleb from the likes of Aidan Hutchinson, TJ Watt and Micah Parsons this year, so there shouldn't be anything to worry about from a malnourished and half-naked group that can barely lift their feet off the ground. If any zombies get close, he'll put them in the dirt.
DJ Moore's route-running ability is going to wear these walkers out
Most depictions of zombies never show them getting tired, but they've also never had to chase DJ Moore around before. Moore is one of the NFL's best route-runners, and one of the league's top players every year in yards after the catch.
There's just no way that these zombies are going to be able to catch Moore, and after a few minutes of fruitlessly chasing him, they'll lose their appetite faster than a Bears fan who sees a Cheesehead in the stands.
Moore's flashy explosiveness and quick first step will get the zombies' attention off the rest of us, and by time they realize there are easier ways to enjoy a meal, it will be too late.
If there's an alpha zombie like in 28 Years Later, our only hope, outside of Ralph Fiennes showing up with his blowgun full of tranquilizers, may be Chicago's WR1.
Tyrique Stevenson will finally have the opportunity to make up for his Hail Mary gaffe
In The Dark Knight, Aaron Eckhart's Two Face famously said, "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Obviously this exercise is all in fun, and we're all hoping that Tyrique Stevenson turns over a new leaf and fulfills the considerable promise he showed as a rookie.
Just in case he can't shake the case of Knucklehead Syndrome that he displayed in that unfortunate final moment against the Commanders last year, Stevenson would be the most likely player on the roster to inadvertently help us by making an accidental sacrifice, inverting Two Face's words to find the ultimate redemption.
Trash-talking zombies, or turning your back on them completely, is never a good idea, but while Stevenson's mistake gave Jayden Daniels and Noah Brown all they needed to pull off a miracle in Week 8, this time it could give us just enough of a window to escape. Remember, you don't need to outrun the zombies, you just need to outrun your third-year cornerback.