ChiefsAholic’s lawyer delivered a statement ripped straight from SNL after guilty plea

The world has been breathlessly following the exploits of the Kansas City Chiefs and their most famous fan. I'm speaking, of course, of ChiefsAholic, the K.C. superfan who has pleaded guilty to charges of bank robbing, money laundering, and transporting stolen property across state lines. Who did you think I meant?

ChiefsAholic, whose real name is Xaviar Babudar, had his story chronicled in November in the ESPN+ documentary Where Wolf: The Search for ChiefsAholic. By agreeing to a plea deal this week, he was able to reduce his total number of federal charges from 20 down to three, though he could still face up to 50 years in prison. He also was forced to repay over $500,000 and forfeit an autographed painting of Patrick Mahomes that he won at a charity auction with money procured from his crimes.

Just as Mahomes is the most prolific passer in the NFL, ChiefsAholic, who was already well known by Chiefs Kingdom for his social media presence and omnipresent wolf costume at Arrowhead Stadium, was quite prolific himself in committing a string of armed bank robberies across multiple states.

ChiefsAholic lawyer provides an unbelievable statement after guilty plea

Lawyer Matthew Merryman spoke on behalf of ChiefsAholic after the plea. Here's a clip of the statement, which is absolutely worth watching:

The jokes write themselves, folks. Merryman's statement was strewn with football analogies that somehow seemed meant to paint Babudar's guilty plea as some kind of courageous act that should be lauded in much the same way we celebrate a player like Mahomes for standing tall in the face of a blitzing defense. Maybe he would have gotten away with it, if only he had Creed Humphrey blocking for him.

At one point, while pronouncing Babudar's name differently than he did at the beginning of his statement, Merryman bizarrely said, "If I know anything about Xaviar, and if the Chiefs Kingdom knows anything about ChiefsAholic, we know that he doesn't give up. We know that if he stumbled, and he fell, he didn't let his knee touch the ground." Call me crazy, but I think if anyone knows anything about Babudar, it's that he's a Chiefs fan who robs banks. But what do I know? I'm just a simple caveman that fell into some ice and was thawed out by some of your scientists.

Merryman closed his statement be relaying a message from Babudar, not of contrition or an appeal for forgiveness from his victims, but of his love for his favorite football team and the city of Kansas City. He also hopes that people will rally to his support. I don't know what that means, but maybe that's because my primitive mind can't grasp these concepts.

ChiefsAholic has become so well-known that he was even invoked in a hilarious tweet by since-released receiver Marquez Valdes-Scantling after the Chiefs defeated the Ravens in the AFC Championship.

Babudar, whose evasion of authorities was not quite as effective as Isiah Pacheco dodging tacklers in the open field, will now await sentencing on July 10th. Let's just hope the writers on the inevitable SNL parody don't change a thing.