MLB's once-in-a-generation loser has been one-upped, as the 2025 Colorado Rockies look every bit the part of ... whatever the 2024 Chicago White Sox looked like last year. A dinosaur delivering a crotch kick in a steel-toed boot? A tire fire frozen inside a block of your relatives' tears? A urinal cake dipped in vanilla frosting? Josh Donaldson's Yankees career?
When last year's record-setting White Sox passed Memorial Day, they had a robust 15-40 record, which looks downright respectable compared to the Rockies' 9-45 mark entering play on Tuesday. From that point in May forward, Sox manager Pedro Grifol apparently told his team to ease off the throttle a little bit; he went just 13-49 the rest of the way before being canned.
The Rockies already took care of that part; no matter how many emails you send directly to Dick.Manfort@Rockies.edu (the domain was cheaper), manager Bud Black will not be returning.
Armed with an interim skipper and the thinnest air in the universe, will the Rockies be able to both threaten and topple the all-time futility mark? Will they ever win a series, let alone 33 more games? Signs point to the worst-case scenario being highly plausible, and here's how it might go down.
For more news and rumors, check out MLB Insider Robert Murray’s work on The Baseball Insiders podcast, subscribe to The Moonshot, our weekly MLB newsletter, and join the discord to get the inside scoop during the MLB season.
Here's how a timeline of the Colorado Rockies' upcoming record-setting disaster could unfold
May 28, at Chicago Cubs: With two outs in the ninth, nursing a 3-2 lead, outfielder Jordan Beck chases a long fly ball through the Wrigley Field wind. After leaping at the wall, he comes down with a glove full of ivy instead of the baseball, which lands in the stands. Ashamed, Beck responds with anger, threatening legal action against the stadium and arguing that, technically, a clump of balled-up ivy is more akin to a baseball than most pre-Deadball era equipment.
June 4, at Miami Marlins: During a Wednesday matinee in Miami, infielder Adael Amador chucks his glove so high in pursuit of a hard line drive that it gets wedged in the retractable roof. A 48-minute delay ensues. The glove eventually returns to the earth at such a high velocity that it burrows a hole through the mound, and the Rockies are forced to forfeit — plus an additional forfeit in July to properly account for the embarrassment.
June 19, at Washington Nationals: The entire Rockies 26-man roster sleeps through the 11:05 Mountain Time start.
July 1, vs. Houston Astros: Michael Toglia and Brenton Doyle accidentally both take the field wearing the exact same jersey number, as well as the exact same custom nickname nameplate instead of their actual names. The nickname is "Boil Dog," and even Toglia and Doyle don't know what it means.
July 11, at Cincinnati Reds: Kris Bryant returns! ... Several misshapen dress shirts he received as a Fourth of July present to the local Caldor.
July 31: In a somber trade deadline, the Rockies locker room is forced to say a heartbreaking goodbye to the idea of a fresh start; zero players are traded.
Aug. 6, vs. Blue Jays: Somebody threw a pencil into the ceiling of the weight room in mid-April and it's, like, still there. Come and check out this crazy pencil.
Aug. 21, vs. Los Angeles Dodgers: Having lost the first three games of this home set by a combined score of 42-11, position player Ezequiel Tovar toes the rubber to start the finale against the reigning champs. Instead of throwing a single pitch, Tovar instead chooses to stomp his feet and cry audibly on the mound with his arms crossed, hoping the Dodgers "feel bad" and "cancel the game". After a 10-minute tantrum, the Dodgers walk to the mound, pick up the baseballs themselves, and start hitting fungo. They somehow score fewer runs than they did in the series opener. MLB agrees this is fine.
Sept. 22: On a Rockies off day, Beck receives his day in court to defend himself in the landmark case of "Ivy vs. Baseball: What Gives?" The jury rules against him. Technically, this off-field disaster is the Rockies' record-breaking loss.