There were many thoughts to be had about the 2025 NBA All-Star Game. It's weird that the league wants the game to be competitive while also piping Kevin Hart over the play. They should have had Gelo perform "Tweaker" at every interlude. How about those ads, huh?
There were some suggestions. Maybe more than some. Is that bad? Let's turn, like we do, to Mark Cuban for answers. His Bluesky post reads: “NBA marketing is embarrassing. It's like they hired 3 agencies and a team of MBAs and had them pitch to a committee that has been there 25 years.”
It’s difficult to justify Cuban saying something akin to “the advertising is bad; they're trying to make money at the expense of the on-court offerings.” A shot at the overarching money-making inertia of the NBA is a bit rich coming from Cuban himself, a man who, in the eyes of some, sold out his city and his say in the Dallas Mavericks for personal monetary gain.
Let’s go back over a year to coverage of Cuban's sale of his stake in the Mavs:
“The 65-year-old insisted he would have the final say in the hiring and firing of coaches, and the signing of free agents, 'unless we’re going to go hire somebody that cost $300 million a year.'
And Cuban said spending to keep the team competitive won’t be an issue with Patrick Dumont.
'He basically said, ‘Just do what you’ve got to do. I want to win,’ Cuban said.'
Yeah. Hmmm. No.
Either Cuban knew at the time that he planned to take a back seat and was simply lying for PR purposes ahead of a sale, or he was mesmerized by the money the sale would return and got took. Maybe there’s a third, more generous option option. But none of them happen if Cuban had decided that the team, the ownership of which allows him to make the largest personal contribution to the health of the NBA as a whole, is worth more than a one-time paycheck.
He didn’t do that. He voluntarily ceded control, in exchange for money. It reminds me of Howard Schulz selling the Seattle Supersonics to Clay Bennett: “Dude, you were the last line of defense here. You were supposed to be the non-awful rich guy. This next person should not be trusted.” Seattle gets one year of Kevin Durant, and then the entire franchise moves to Oklahoma City. You know, in exchange for money.
So yeah, it’s hard to believe Cuban isn’t stoked about the advertising of the All-Star Game. 2025. In New Orleans or something. No. San Francisco. And his complaints were far from finished:
"Just received an email from a PR company, trying to sell me on what a major success the All-Star weekend was. One of their cited metrics? Ad integration. Yes, I'm sure NBA fans around the world loved the 80 minutes of ads, and the 42 minutes of actual basketball."
Everyone’s raving.
Not Mark though. Now, we have to be fair: Suddenly pretending to care more about basketball than ad monetization would make Cuban seem hypocritical. And not only a hypocrite, but a super-obvious, in-public one. So one can only assume that this change of heart is because he thinks, in his new position as Mavs Backup Mascot, that he can do better.
You know what I mean: Make it bigger. Make it more intrusive. Really speak to the fans about Starry. The first three years got people hooked. Now it’s time to cash in on the Starry Tsunami. Starunami.
Stsunami. I don't know. There's something there. Mark's on the case.
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So let's take Mark Cuban at his word
I offer this: Instead of thinking up ways to improve the level of play in the All-Star Game, let's instead decide, as the NBA viewing public, to brainstorm annual advertising strategies. Each field goal can be accompanied by a little Carl’s Jr. star toddling across the bottom of the screen or something. I don’t want you to set limits on yourself here; really think it through. Then reach out to Mark with your ideas.
Here's my personal favorite: Just get rid of the basketball entirely. Over the course of a few hours, each All-Star gets a five- to seven-minute slot where they talk about their favorite product (or products; again, don’t want people limiting themselves) and get whatever kickback they’re able to negotiate from the company they promote. The people voted in as starters get up to 10 minutes. If you’re doing skits, please try to use other All-Stars and not Druski.
Also, players can use the same products, but, like, try to tie the products into your own personal journey as a basketball player. It’s important everyone at home can tell this product means something special to you. Just being all, “I love paper towel,” is generic. Hollow. Standoffish, even.
Saying, “After I lost my first NBA Finals, I collected my sobs in Kroger-brand paper towel. Seeing my eyeshadow and tears staring up at me, I vowed never to feel that feeling again. We then went on to win four straight titles and then another four straight immediately afterwards. People don’t believe me when I just say ‘eight straight.’”
It doesn’t have to be true. People just say stuff now.
The only drawback I see is that some people might not hear about this change in advance and might tune in for maybe an hour only to not see any basketball being played. But that's not an issue: I have a team of AI scripts working around the clock to artificially render a basketball that will move around the screen a little bit if the production truck gets word that viewership is dropping.
My hope would be to expand this to a G-League pilot program. A game's victor will be determined by who brings in the most sponsorship money in that day's convention. They're called conventions, now, not games. If all goes well, the NBA will have officially phased “Basketball” out of its name by 2035 and officially go by “NBA”, much like when the WWE decided they weren’t wrestling anymore. We’ve all seen how well that’s gone.
And all the bloggers, podcasters, video makers, and creatives-in-general who lost significant income as a result of the Luka Doncic trade can just make the seamless transition from Dallas Mavericks fans to NBA Advertising and Sales Experts. It’s just as much fun. I’ll keep saying that until you believe it.
Anyways, I have high hopes. The main point of this article was to put my idea out there first so no one could steal it. I have dibs now, and I’m taking these dibs to the grave.