Depending on your leanings, Wedensday's Europa League final between Tottenham and Manchester United will look a lot like the common action movie trope, where the protagonist and usually some hapless acquaintance just randomly caught in the net are dangled over the same pit or trap. There is only one method of escape, only room in it for one, and they must race to avoid falling into the volcano. Whether you're a Spurs or United supporter will shade who is the protagonist. For the rest of us, we get to see how this scene would play out if both trying to escape had no hands or sense of direction.
Make no mistake, and UEFA won't want us telling you this, no Europa League/Champions League final has featured two teams this hilariously bad. Sure, mid-table teams have won this tournament before. Teams have chucked their league seasons to save themselves to win this trophy. Sevilla were 12th in La Liga when they won it two years ago. Frankfurt were 11th in the Bundesliga the season previous when they won. But they both beat teams that were higher in their table (Roma, Rangers), and neither were quite as balloon-handed as both Spurs and United look right now.
Man United, Tottenham set for Europa League final like no other
Let's review: Spurs and United have combined for 21 wins in the Premier League this season. That's four fewer than champions Liverpool on their own, and just one more win than Newcastle has collected. Put together, they have 77 points, which is six less than Liverpool and six more than Arsenal. United have scored 42 goals in the Premier League this season, which is better than only the three relegated teams and Everton. Spurs have given up 61 goals, which is only better than the relegated three and Wolves. Together, they've won two of their last 21 league games. This feels like a senior prank on the rest of Europe. Spurs have been so bad that even winning their first trophy of any kind in 17 years and first European trophy in four decades might not even save their manager's job. United are one point better than that!
Sure, both teams stopped caring about their league seasons long ago, when it became apparent that the Europa League was their only means of salvation. But hey, Crystal Palace have had all their eggs in the FA Cup basket for months and still managed to beat Brighton and draw with Arsenal in league play. Arsenal haven't cared about the league in some time and still managed to beat Newcastle. You'd think that even with shifted focus, either Spurs or United would just run into three points more often. Dogs catch cars more often than these two could find a win domestically.
How did they get here? By going against type, with a dash of a miracle or two. Spurs have the defensive stability of a car dealership's wavy-arm guy, but somehow gutted out a defensive masterclass against Frankfurt in Germany to get through the quarterfinals. They then only gave up a late-game consolation to Bodø/Glimt in the semis, whatever that does for you.
Man United's attack often resembles that one toddler at the birthday party with the mop bucket on his head that keeps running into a wall for fun, and yet they poured in seven goals over two legs in the semifinals against Athletic Bilbao, a Champions League team in La Liga. The miracle came against Lyon, when they scored three goals in the last six minutes of extra-time. Of course, they only needed that after giving up two goals to a 10-man side in that same extra-time. But hey, a lot of miracles stem from one's own idiocy.
The stakes here are huge. The winner gets a (completely undeserved) lifeline into the Champions League next season, and all the money that comes with it. The winner's summer plans completely change with that windfall. The trajectory of either could completely change with the promise of a minimum of eight games in the sport's premier competition next season. Salvation would seem within reach.
The loser will have to face up to the worst season of their club's recent history, with no European football of any kind on the way, the limited budget that comes with that, and trying to sell themselves to the players they desperately need after months (or years) of buffoonery on the field. Neither would find it impossible to recover from, but it would be a longer road than they've faced in decades — and neither have shown anywhere near the kind of vision and patience to engineer that type of rebuild. There is more than a little chance that whoever loses this could face even more years of only being allowed circles of paper and scissors that couldn't cut butter. Which makes it even funnier that both of these clubs still claim to be part of the "Big Seven." Every fraternity has a treasurer, to be fair.
As for the game itself, United come in completely healthy, whereas Spurs are still kind of beat up as they've been all season. Dejan Kulusevski and James Maddison are absent, and they are most of Spurs' creativity. They will have both Cristian Romero and Micky van de Ven though, the two centerbacks who make their cartoonish system work by being able to defend the national park-sized space that their kindergarten recess press always leaves behind. Most would think that going over that press and giving Bruno Fernandes, Alejandro Garnacho, Amad Diallo and Rasmus Højlund space to run in straight lines is exactly what United would want. Except Spurs have beaten United three times already this season.
There aren't any strengths anywhere on the field. This is as if the Black Knight from "The Holy Grail" was fighting a clone of himself. United don't really have the defense to stand up to Spurs' press without coughing up the ball in highly dangerous areas. But Spurs can't stop United from going over the top of them. Spurs don't really have much creativity to pry United open, but United don't really have any midfielders to stop them from trying and accidentally doing so. They both have comedic defenders, as Romero is a good bet to bring a machete onto the field with him and Harry Maguire could possibly score a hat trick in each net.
Throw two bad teams into the cauldron of a final, add the intense desperation of both teams being able to save not just their seasons but their entire club's trajectory with a win, and this final could turn into a soccer version of a Pollock painting set on fire. It's not to be missed.