English police urge fans not to drink too much before World Cup match vs. Italy

In today’s most asinine exercise in futility, English police are reportedly urging crazed soccer fans in their country to lay off the alcohol ahead of Saturday night’s opening World Cup match against Italy.

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This is not an Onion article. Repeat: NOT AN ONION ARTICLE. This is an actual thing police are trying to do in England. A country where you would think the police would know better.

Aren’t all the cops in England just as drunk as the regular people anyway?

Essex police superintendent Andy Prophet released this incredibly optimistic statement as part of the region’s effort to curb insane slobbering animal-rape-causing World Cup s–tfacedness.

"My message to anyone planning to go out tonight is have a great time, enjoy the game but please be sensible. Everything in moderation, don’t wake up in a police cell regretting a moment’s madness."

Andy Prophet clearly doesn’t understand being an English soccer fan. He doesn’t get that waking up in a cell full of regret, your head pounding like some big Game of Thrones war drum, is an integral part of the whole experience.

You’re not a real English soccer fan unless you get so blasted you can’t even remember your name, where you live or what planet you are on. It’s not a good night of soccer fandom unless you punch at least one person in the face and get punched in your own face at least once.

But by all means, urge fans to curb their drinking. Sure. And while you’re at it, try holding back the tides using only the power of your mind.

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