NFL Podium Fashion: Colin Kaepernick Goes Full Jedi In Touching Nod To “Rogue One”
By Tim Ryan
As we come to the home stretch of the NFL season, it appears as though some players have gone deeper into their bag of tricks when it comes to the postgame podium, where star players — particularly the consistently absurd Sam Bradford — are bestowed with the opportunity to style and profile like Ric Flair, inevitably setting Twitter ablaze in an effort to get the attention of big brands so as to finally cement that elusive endorsement gig from sneaker giant, Skechers.
Obviously.
In all seriousness, how in the world did this ad ever get created, approved, and eventually exist in the public eye? Good freakin’ god.
Anyway, we’re still waiting for some flashy showman to take it to this kind of next-level intensity.
But make no mistake about it, this weekly onslaught of styles includes all walks of life, led by fashion-forward trailblazers such as Andrew Luck, who clearly doesn’t give a shit and never will give a shit.
As we’ve come to learn over the years, sometimes the ensemble works:
Spreading holiday cheer by way of Christmas tie sweatshirt is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, not everyone is as spirited as Derek Carr, so it’s not uncommon to see that — at times — the ensemble most certainly does NOT work.
For example, that time earlier this season where Landry Jones threw on the worst Old Navy shirt he could find and buttoned it to the very top.
The lesson here? Big Ben can never, ever get injured again.
*****MISSING IN ACTION*****
No one! Absolutely f’ing no one.
These final weeks will include every storied clown we’ve gotten to know so painfully well this season.
So without further ado, these are their stories…
Russell Wilson
No one could’ve predicted that Russell Wilson would marry Ciara and somehow become less fashionable, but here we are.
Duuuuuuude, ya’ gotta get a haircut.
*****
Juston Burris
Jets rookie Juston Burris is here solely to serve as a haircut suggestion for Russ. It’s something to consider.
Pretty much anything beats the “I’m married and don’t care anymore” look.
*****
Cameron Wake
Cameron Wake is also here to give Russ some haircut ideas. But to be fair, the dude had a sack, an interception, and a forced fumble. So he certainly earned his seat in the house by way of urinating on the Jets.
*****
Tom Brady
Are we just gonna sit here and pretend that Tom Brady isn’t on the verge of sporting the signature Lloyd Christmas hairdo? Brady has almost never allowed his dome to fall flat, so this development is a little unsettling. A couple more weeks and BOOM, it’s Lloyd Brady.
Speaking of unsettling, whatever Sir Thomas is doing here needs to stop.
@TheSportsHernia did Brady attempt the most dangerous magic trick known to man: Zipping up his pants in public, without getting caught? pic.twitter.com/fJIUxuTepC
— Thomas (@Winston_Wolfe) December 19, 2016
Other than that, great outfit!
*****
Andy Dalton
In lieu of answering questions following a hilarious choke job against the Steelers, Andy Dalton chose to drift away and picture himself opening presents on Christmas morning; especially that freakin’ Hatchimal he keeps yapping about.
Come on, man. Your hair game is way too strong to be wearing your favorite snowball fight hat.
*****
Cam Newton
Cam Newton’s tribute to Craig Sager following Monday night’s win over the Redskins was as good as it gets, making it virtually impossible for anyone else to properly honor the broadcasting legend at this point without feeling like they’ve fallen short.
The bigger question, however, is who was mystery man playing Zorro in the mirror?
Cam’s assistant?
Ted Ginn?
Cam’s other assistant?
Cecil Newton Sr.?
I will not rest until we have some answers.
*****
Colin Kaepernick
It’s been a deplorable mess on the field for the 49ers this season in just about every possible way. However — and this is a big however — Kaep’s existence off the field has been a work of art.
Going full Jedi on the opening weekend of the already wildly beloved Rogue One? This was no coincidence. And Bob Costas is FURIOUS.
*****
Aaron Rodgers
https://twitter.com/packers/status/810643380350881792
At long last, Aaron Rodgers made it official, announcing he flat-out refuses to wear anything that doesn’t feature a white t-shirt peeking out from underneath to join and, in turn, ruin the party.
But I have to be honest here and say that someone who can make this throw can do whatever the fuck they want. Especially when said someone makes it look so effortless.
About as #BigTimeThrow as it gets pic.twitter.com/HHNfszYqSx
— Mike Renner (@mikerenner_) December 18, 2016
*****
Sam Bradford
Looks like someone opened their Christmas presents a little early, because Sam Bradford took a hard right from the suit/casual button-down look and did a swan dive directly into the Patagonia catalog.
I must say, it’s a nice change of pace for the embattled Bradford, whose inner torment seems to worsen by the week. And I’ll just leave it at that.
I don’t think anyone wants to know what’s actually going on up there.
*****
Dak Prescott
Bow tie is slightly crooked.
Inexcusable. Time to put in Romo.
*****
Eli Manning
Another week, another press conference filmed inside a fish tank.
I’m sensing this was no accident though because every other presser on the Giants official site looks perfectly crisp, so I’ll go ahead and assume the cameraman purposely muddied the waters in a courageous effort to save us from some brutal dueling patterns.
*****
Matt Barkley
Barkley: "Its defeating. We hate losing. The effort's there. It's just a matter of execution."
— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) December 19, 2016
📺: https://t.co/Ae11djqyw3 pic.twitter.com/bEqlJFOj4e
Death, taxes, and the Bears social media team choosing the worst possible photo of Matt Barkley.
Once again, the backup QB looks like he went directly from a bachelor party to the airport and took a rather hellish flight home from Vegas while affixed to the left wing.
*****
A.J. Klein
Holy crap. My nephew’s ties look better.
A.J. Klein has definitely screamed at one of those YouTube instructional videos that walk you through the process of how to tie a tie.
*****
Derek Carr
Jesus, did anyone have a good week? This is starting to get a little concerning, especially since Derek Carr played in SAN DIEGO, not Fargo.
If this were a report card it would say “Derek has shown great promise in class, however outside of class is a matter we should probably discuss in person.”
*****
Devin McCourty
Finally, someone who knocked it out of the park with ease. First it was Matthew Slater who won over the crowd despite being a New England Patriot with his Mars Blackmon t-shirt, and now Devin McCourty is making some serious noise with this “List Of People I Like” shirt.
We’re on the same page, Devin. And I appreciate that you got straight to the point. No time to dick around.
Since it’s hard to completely tell from the photo, here’s a clean look at what he’s wearing.
*****
Matthew Stafford
"We have to look in the mirror, correct what we did wrong today and move forward."
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) December 18, 2016
More from Matthew Stafford: https://t.co/bJkph7M4S4 pic.twitter.com/m5EJKzaHTs
Annnnnnnd we’re back! Matthew Stafford’s smiling streak is over as is his care for how he looks.
You wouldn’t even need to see a box score or highlights to know whether Detroit won or not. All you need is this photo. He could be wearing a tuxedo complete with cane and top hat, or exactly what we have here and it wouldn’t make any difference. The Lions lost and Matty’s face wants you to know it.
*****
Von Miller
Let’s be honest, this is not among Teflon Von’s best efforts. Sad!
But wait, this was Von talking to reporters in the locker room:
And just like that, he’s totally redeemed himself. Outrageous.
Additionally…
Von Miller wore some furry custom cleats by adidas that were inspired by a sketch he did with Josh Norman and Conan O’Brien prior to last year’s Super Bowl.
Reppin’ for his hat buddies? This man continues to amaze.
*****
Robert Griffin III
RGIII’s “pretend phone call/listening to a hot new jam” routine did not amuse Cleveland beat reporters, who just wanted to get the hell out of Buffalo.
However, I do give him major props for the mindful execution in matching his shirt pattern with his head pattern.
See? Fair and balanced, per usual.
*****
Julius Peppers
Never been much of a sweater/blazer guy. Feels like a “can’t make up my mind” outfit, so I prefer to keep them in separate lanes. But HEY, that’s just me.
It’s worth noting that Peppers’ facial expression captures my exact reaction upon seeing this getup.
*****
The Rams
The Rams remain a colossal embarrassment, so uncertain substitute teacher Case Keenum — despite not playing — will be representing the team once again this week.
*****
Odell Beckham Jr.
Is there a reason this dude never gets a podium? His outstanding, springy Superman curl would like to know.
*****
OBJ’s “Sager” Cleats
It’s impossible for these cleats to get any more Sager than what we have here unless you were to string them with Christmas lights and glue touchdown sirens to the toe boxes.
Excellent work by Nike.
*****
Andrew Luck
It’s not so much that Andrew Luck always looks like a physically spent guy who just played an intense football game and doesn’t feel like dressing up.
It’s more so that Andrew Luck looks like a guy who just played 19 straight football games without breathing and really wants to play another.
*****
Bryce Petty!
QB Bryce Petty: "I'm a little sore right now, but I'll be fine." pic.twitter.com/q3Ib3WXBY3
— New York Jets (@nyjets) December 18, 2016
Straight fire.
Thanks for joining us, Bryce.
*****
Duke Johnson
I hate to pick on endearing running back Duke Johnson — who was just shy of 100 all-purpose yards — but tell me you didn’t look at this photo and immediately think TURTLE.
The combination of the hat, the backpack and his height were the clear culprits in creating the turtle effect, and all but confirms that even when the 0-14 Browns aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong, they’re still not doing anything right.
*****
Tyrod Taylor
"We're together. We're sticking together. And we're going to keep battling." #GoBills pic.twitter.com/UtO2X3raoi
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) December 18, 2016
When you’re Tyrod Taylor, you can make a cardigan sweater teamed with a floral pattern button-down feel like a walk in the park. It’s almost as if he’s begging the fashion world to be challenged.
Now please take a look at the photo again and then imagine Philip Rivers wearing the same thing. That’s the kind of gift we’ve been deprived of all season long.
*****
Blake Bortles
Electric, as we’ve come to expect.
So did Bortles really go 12/28 for NINETY-TWO yards and an interception? Of course he did. Christ, you could put Izzy Mandelbaum under center and get the same results, if not slightly better.
Nonetheless, we must give credit where credit is due: Blake’s glowing confidence has never waned.
*****
Leon Hall
Leon Hall’s fierce push to be cast in Fast and Furious 9 is off to a roaring start.
While I do appreciate the passion, please concentrate on beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl, Leon. Thanks much.
*****
William Gay
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOIraUAjrtC/
William Gay’s expression does not match the jolliness of his majestic Christmas sweater, but whatever; we’ll take what we can get.
*****
Brandon Marshall
Based on his getup and his distant demeanor, it’s pretty obvious Brandon Marshall had his mind on Rogue One and precisely nothing else.
Given the rave reviews and the fact he’s forced to suit up for the New York Jets, I can hardly blame the guy.
*****
Jadeveon Clowney
Outside of the Raiders and maybe one or two other NFL teams, you won’t find a better looking Starter jacket than the one Jadeveon Clowney’s wearing.
*****
Robby Anderson
I know next to nothing about Jets WR Robby Anderson, but wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt will get you on the list every damn time.
*****
Ben McAdoo
I know what you’re doing, Ben, and I need you to stop. We all know what your glorious flowing locks are capable of, so quit hiding your hair.
Very few humans can so quickly dial it back to a 1980s sitcom.
The sports world, and most salons, implore you to quit screwing around.
*****
Melvin Gordon
It’s kinda fun whenever a reporter gets trapped in the frame because the stark difference in style awareness is relatively obscene.
As it stands now, Melvin Gordon’s hair is tied for 2nd place with Derrick Henry’s.
*****
Trevor Siemian
#Broncos LIVE: @trevorsiemian https://t.co/314UsRW5la
— Denver Broncos (@Broncos) December 19, 2016
I dare you hit to play. It’s a bloody mess.
Next.
*****
Joe Flacco
This was Joe Flacco’s fitting reaction after allegedly being asked point blank if he waxes his eyebrows.
*****
Alex Smith
Interestingly enough, this was apparently Alex Smith’s reaction just seconds after a bold reporter asked the Chiefs QB if he considered himself “king of the beard game.”
I think we all know the answer to that one.
*****
Star Lotulelei
Before the season is done, it’s possible that Panthers defensive tackle Star Lotulelei will have the final say as it pertains to The Beard Game.
*****
David Bakhtiari
The #Packers O-line paved the way for a big day on the ground.
— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 19, 2016
Hear from @DBak69 after #GBvsCHI 🎥: https://t.co/WlyyMeFZOd#GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/7vG7xDNfeY
Packers offensive lineman David Bakhtiari finally revealed to a local beat reporter that he’s the love child of The Nasty Boys and Disco Inferno.
We can all rest easy now.
*****
Golden Tate’s Cleats
Golden Tate will pay homage to the late Craig Sager with these custom cleats on Sunday (via showtimetate/Instagram)#SagerStrong 💪🏽 pic.twitter.com/ppIpHN5lmu
— B/R Kicks (@brkicks) December 16, 2016
Feverish applause to Golden Tate for also paying tribute to Craig Sager. Absolutely love it. #SagerStrong
*****
Victor Cruz
Victor Cruz might be the least subtle player in the entire league when it comes to “accidentally” flashing his watch seven different times during an 89-second interview.
He’s the master.
*****
Bonus Round: The Cleveland Costanzas
Hue Jackson struggling to find the challenge flag pretty much sums up this slugfest... #Bills pic.twitter.com/NEXBTA5Loi
— Bradley Gelber (@BradleyGelber) December 18, 2016
If there’s one team in professional sports that perfectly channels George Costanza, it’s the 0-14 Cleveland Browns.
*****
Monday, Dec. 19 @PhillyDailyNews Back Page -- pic.twitter.com/KAboeqE7vl
— Bob Vetrone Jr. (@BoopStats) December 19, 2016
Not sure I’ve ever seen a loogie featured on the back cover of a newspaper. #GoPhillyGo
*****
"Kickoff is in 72 hours. I'll be ready."
— Los Angeles Rams (@RamsNFL) December 13, 2016
John Fassel speaks for the first time as #Rams Interim Head Coach 📺 | https://t.co/XjXg3m2uJr pic.twitter.com/KIJcZ43j2W
Would you believe that the Rams played uninspired, terrible football on Thursday night, losing 24-3?
I know, I know. It’s hard to grasp. John Fassel simply oozes charisma and leadership.
https://twitter.com/RamsNFL/status/809074878091436032
They definitely strolled into Seattle with confidence, though. No question.
*****
https://twitter.com/Jaguars/status/810599964485320708
Yup, a 14-48 record usually gets you canned.
It’s been real, Gus.
*****
https://twitter.com/ChicagoBears/status/810650292886839296
And last but not least, please pray for John Fox’s freeze-dried cheeks.
*****
Previously: Cam Newton To Star In “Golden Girls: The Movie”
Previously: Cam Newton Got Benched For Being Cam Newton
Previously: Mariota’s Mustache Has Seized Control Of The NFL
Previously: Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
Previously: Antonio Brown’s Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
Previously: Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
Previously: The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
Previously: Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
Previously: Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more scorching takes with extra sizzle, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found here.