NFL Podium Fashion: Landon Collins’ Hair Wishes You A Very Merry Christmas
By Tim Ryan
With just two weeks left in the regular season, there’s no time like the present for NFL players to offer up their absolute best when it comes to the postgame podium, where star players — particularly Bears legend Matt Barkley, who’s seemingly forever trapped in a soul-sucking hangover — are bestowed with the opportunity to style and profile like Ric Flair, inevitably setting Twitter ablaze and seizing the attention of big brands so as to finally land that elusive endorsement gig with SuperCuts.
Boy oh boy, what a victory that shall be.
Sadly, we’re still waiting for some spastic showman to take it to this kind of next-level intensity.
But make no mistake about it, this weekly rundown includes all walks of life, led by fashion-forward trailblazers such as the electric Blake Bortles, who doesn’t give a single shit and never will give a single shit.
As we’ve witnessed over these last few years of coverage, sometimes the ensemble works:
Yes, human SnapChat filter Jarvis Landry speared through the clutter like a shooting star earlier this season with his highly decorative hair.
Unfortunately, not everyone is as creative as Jarvis, so it’s not uncommon to see that — at times — the ensemble most certainly does NOT work.
For example, that time a few weeks back when Saints offensive tackle Zach Strief stunned reporters with his disturbing Undertaker impression.
The lesson here? I have no idea. Just try and steer clear of Zach Strief.
*****MISSING IN ACTION*****
No one! These last two weeks of the regular season will include every storied clown we’ve gotten to know so painfully well. After that, roughly 63% of the league sits on the couch for the playoffs, just like us.
So without further ado, these are their stories…
Aaron Rodgers
https://twitter.com/packers/status/812797917643894784
It took until Week 16, but the white undershirt is, gasp, GONE. This tells me the Packers are primed for a deep run in the playoffs.
Now please, take care of business in the NFC and then take out the god damn Patriots.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Aaron!
*****
Landon Collins
Landon Collins lives for football and decorating his hair.
It’s quite evident that no one in the NFL loves Christmas more than Landon Collins.
Here’s another look at the most cheerful holiday hair in the history of Christmas.
And anothuh’ one.
*****
Devin McCourty
Devin McCourty wins the t-shirt game for the second week in a row, this time sporting a Ralphie in the Bunny Suit shirt.
So simple, so perfect.
*****
Drew Brees!
My god, Drew Brees finally wore something to the podium that didn’t resemble attire that an exceedingly boring accountant might wear.
Cheers!
*****
Tom Brady
Woah. Not exactly Tom Brady’s best effort unless the goal in mind was to be slightly taller than Dikembe Mutombo.
*****
Josh Lambo
Chargers kicker Josh Lambo is actually the love child of Billy Crudup and Oklahoma City Thunder center, Steven Adams.
If that were the case for me, I probably would’ve shanked the kick too.
*****
Ezekiel Elliott
Ezekiel Elliot met with the media after the Cowboys 42-21 win over the Lions and explained he had “a little cauliflower ear” and that he’s “just trying to make sure I get back pretty again.”
OK, so who punched Zeke in the ear?
My money’s on Emmitt Smith.
Ezekiel Elliott has moved past Emmitt Smith's 1991 season where he ran for 1563 yards. pic.twitter.com/s2pkK08Yjk
— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) December 27, 2016
Break a record, break an ear.
*****
Cameron Wake
This is how it’s done, my friends. Cameron Wake just set the new gold standard for paisley jackets. It’s not only perfect for the holidays, it’s perfect for everything.
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman should both be wearing this jacket for the Super Bowl broadcast.
*****
Matthew Stafford
"We get it at our place and a chance to win the division."
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) December 27, 2016
More from Matthew Stafford following #DETvsDAL: https://t.co/0NVwiIa3nC pic.twitter.com/0DXnYFanTX
So, did the Lions win?
*looks up at photo*
No, the Lions did NOT win.
I would love to play poker with Matthew Stafford.
*****
Gerald McCoy
Even after a tough loss you cannot and will not break the vibrant spirit of Bucs defensive tackle, Gerald McCoy.
What a showman. This dude doesn’t get the rightful attention he deserves.
*****
Kirk Cousins
Cousins went with the tie and pants after his presser. #Redskins pic.twitter.com/bmJpiDfL1K
— Rich Tandler (@TandlerNBCS) December 24, 2016
There’s a great story behind Kirk Cousins and his festive Christmas suit right up until Redskins PR flacks got involved.
As you can see, Cousins sported a suit oozing with Christmas spirit following Washington’s win over the Bears. Apparently Kirk’s wife always packs his suits and accompanying clothes for each road trip, so when he opened open his bag he was pleasantly surprised by what appears to be a tree-themed suit peppered with ornaments. Outstanding.
But before anyone could smile and show any semblance of joy, the freaking starting quarterback had to ask Tony Wyllie, the Redskins VP of Communications, if it was OK to wear.
Here’s Kirk explaining as much:
Ya’ know, because getting into the spirit of the holidays is always such a dicey move. Gotta clear it before you can wear it.
What a joke. But very, very Redskins.
Here’s a cleaner look at the jacket. Might be something to bookmark for next year’s Christmas party.
https://twitter.com/Redskins/status/812775940090642432
*****
Sam Bradford
The curious case of Sam Bradford continued to truck forward at a feverish pace, as the Vikings QB flashed a rather unnerving, threatening underbite following a blowout loss to the Packers.
There’s nothing safe about this man and I strongly suggest he conduct all future press conferences inside a cage, or at the very least be required to wear Hannibal Lector’s bite restraint muzzle.
*****
Colin Kaepernick
If I had one NFL wish that was guaranteed to come true, it would be for Colin Kaepernick’s hair to never stop growing and for him to be banned from all barber shops and salons to ensure that happens.
*****
Cam Newton
Cam Newton’s tropical version of The Undertaker and Doc Holliday had reporters reeling, especially since he answered every single question with “I’m your huckleberry.”
It also didn’t help matters much that every time Cam looked up and the shadow of his hat no longer covered his eyes, The Undertaker’s signature bell rang.
The mere thought of such an experience makes me shiver.
*****
Andrew Luck
The Colts being eliminated from the playoffs actually serves as a gift to Andrew Luck, who will now be freed up and have the proper amount of time to prepare for Men’s Fashion Week in Paris and New York.
*****
DeAngelo Williams
DeAngelo Williams dressed up like an elf and carried himself as though this was an everyday thing. Amazing work.
Officially rooting for the Steelers to win the AFC.
*****
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
An old school Shaq-Penny Hardaway era Magic jersey and a gold chain? Damn.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix knows what’s up.
*****
Matt Barkley
https://twitter.com/ChicagoBears/status/812815371996635136
Matt Barkley is getting pretty sick and tired of being woken up from his naps to answer mostly mundane questions from reporters. Especially the ones about the FIVE interceptions he tossed.
As you can plainly see, his hair was tragically hungover and deserved far more rest than it was allotted.
*****
Antonio Brown
In classic Steelers press conference fashion, Antonio Brown’s outfit got mugged by a record-setting number of microphones. Love the hat, though.
*****
Matt Ryan
That was one BIG W. @M_Ryan02 presser: https://t.co/CNmq6RZM6V #RiseUp pic.twitter.com/mb0DCbnZKi
— Atlanta Falcons (@AtlantaFalcons) December 25, 2016
Matt Ryan was reportedly asked to flash his best “still going through puberty” pose and he absolutely knocked it out of the park.
*****
Brandon Marshall
.@BMarshall: "It's one thing after another. When it rains, it pours...It means it's just not your season." pic.twitter.com/M2UJexBy7B
— New York Jets (@nyjets) December 24, 2016
Brandon Marshall looks sharp and his hair game is on point, but in this particular shot the Jets wide receiver happens to be picturing himself in about seven different uniforms next season and — SPOILER ALERT — none of them say Jets.
*****
Russell Wilson
Dear Russ,
I would be more than happy to make the hair appointment for you.
Sincerely,
A Very Concerned Hair Enthusiast
What a difference a year makes.
*****
Rashard Robinson
Niners DB Rashard Robinson is here as this week’s haircut suggestion for Russell Wilson.
Hey, the more options, the better. Russ needs as much guidance as possible.
*****
Pernell McPhee
https://twitter.com/ChicagoBears/status/812852467436318720
Bears linebacker Pernell McPhee understandably went the undercover route following a 41-21 loss to the Redskins. But judging by the bridge and sides of those sunglasses, I’m guessing they were pricey enough to warrant wearing indoors.
Also, that earring is worth more than your life.
*****
Tyrod Taylor
On the two no-calls: "The refs definitely missed those calls. Those were pass interferences. As a team you have to play through it." pic.twitter.com/QFUZnOv3ma
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) December 24, 2016
Tyrod Taylor is rounding third base and sprinting home for the NFL Fashionista Of The Year award.
Unless he somehow stumbles next week and Tom Brady wears a sky blue tuxedo while holding a hairless cat, I don’t see how anyone tosses T-Smooth off the top of Mt. Fashion.
And no, it will not be Cam Newton. Having someone dump a closet full of accessories onto your head each week just means Cam qualifies as a finalist for the NFL Human Cartoon Medal Of Honor.
*****
Tom Savage!
Texans new leader Tom Savage really thought this one through.
Kinda wish he brought the ball too and played a friendly game of catch with reporters while taking questions.
Now here, please watch head coach Bill O’Brien react like a complete dickhead after the very first question of his press conference.
Happy Holidays, BillyBoy!
*****
Ben Roethlisberger
Yes, those are Christmas colors and it sure is nice to see Ben “try.”
Guarantee this dude doesn’t wrap any presents. Just puts a stack of boxes next to the tree, kicks up his feet and occasionally says “yeah, that’s great honey.”
*****
Joe Thomas
Joe Thomas wore a “Mission BBQ” shirt as all linemen should and probably smiled more in his 7-minute press conference than he’s smiled in the last 15 weeks.
Good for him. He’s the last guy on the Browns roster that deserved to be attached to an 0-16 record.
*****
Robert Griffin III
Merry Christmas Cleveland!!!!
— Robert Griffin III (@RGIII) December 24, 2016
You filthy Animals!!!!
When your tweet contains more exclamation points (8) than words (6), it’s grounds for a hefty fine and an automatic suspension.
Get it done, Goodell.
*****
Greg Olsen
No real comment on Olsen’s attire, he’s here because I have great concern that in lieu of actually reading fan mail, Greg Olsen simply shoves it into that cubby hole.
Prayers up for the poor intern who will be forced to sift through all that crap next week when Carolina’s season is over.
*****
Blake Bortles
Yes, Blake, yes! That’s the spirit, my friend. Freeing yourself from those team merchandise shackles must have felt quite liberating.
Although I must say, I’m surprised Santa isn’t wearing a Jags hat out of respect for Blake’s storied, team-first fashion sensibilities.
*****
Julian Edelman
I get the sense that Tom Brady threatens to limit targets to Julian Edelman if he refuses to dress like a modernized version of The Magnificent Seven.
*****
Jason Kelce
Is Jason Kelce wearing a t-shirt of fellow offensive lineman, Jason Peters?
I believe he is and I believe that’s fantastic.
*****
Ben McAdoo
There’s no doubt in my mind that Benny with the Good Hair is Dwight Schrute’s father.
Speaking of Benny’s hair, this is a work of art.
In fact, it has to be. Because even OBJ approves.
Odell Beckham Jr. rocking our "Benny with the good hair" shirt. Guaranteed 2 TDs tonight #vivalastool pic.twitter.com/ftU8HlF6fg
— Barstool Originals (@BarstoolOG) December 22, 2016
*****
Joe Flacco
Does Joe Flacco scare you? Because Joe Flacco scares me.
Nobody in the NFL pulls off the roaming zombie look so flawlessly.
*****
Eli Manning
At this point I’m pretty sure Eli’s press conferences look like they’re conducted inside an aquarium on purpose because the cameraman is selflessly saving Eli from Eli.
*****
Kyle Rudolph’s Cleats
Cleats of the year? You bet your sweet ass these are the cleats of the year.
*****
Malcolm Jenkins
Malcolm Jenkins’ hat is attached to his beard, which is attached to his shirt.
Inventive.
*****
The Titans Linebackers
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOYDFkoDDI2/
Love it, love it, love it.
While the Titans ended up losing a rough one in Jacksonville, they won Christmas and it wasn’t even remotely close.
Well done, boys.
*****
Mike Remmers
Prior to Saturday’s game against the Falcons, Mike Remmers boldly walked into one of his favorite restaurants and requested that his beard be dipped into a tub of wing sauce.
Looks great, Mike.
*****
The Rams
The Rams remain an embarrassment of epic proportions, so uncertain substitute teacher, Mr. Keenum — despite not taking one single snap — is reluctantly representing the team yet again this week.
*****
Jamar Taylor
Any time you see an outfit and immediately think to yourself “RUN DMC” it’s a runaway victory.
*****
Buster Skrine’s Cleats
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOaPcyZjDdE/
The Jets got pasted 41-3, but at least Buster Skrine can say he did it in style.
All customized cleats are now officially fighting for 2nd place. Amazing execution.
Speaking of Buster Skrine, his hair firmly remains the most interesting thing about the New York Jets.
Sad!
*****
Eli Manning’s Cleats
Eli Manning wearing @Nike cleats tonight that include grass taken from his high school football field. #GiantsPride pic.twitter.com/F9z9mhkpUN
— New York Giants (@Giants) December 22, 2016
What a great idea by Nike. They’re always full of surprises.
*****
Odell Beckham Jr.’s Cleats
FIRST LOOK: Odell Beckham Jr.'s cleats for tonight, designed by Nike, have grass taken from his high school field inside of them pic.twitter.com/ayn4xvvc5Y
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) December 22, 2016
Nike also did the same for OBJ. Just awesome.
Right here is where you make a crowd-pleasing weed joke.
*****
Jameis Winston
Great stuff.
*****
Philip Rivers
When you lose to the browns. #CryMeARivers pic.twitter.com/5ZEwwnzTWs
— Bryce Wood (@woodymlb4) December 24, 2016
It’s extremely difficult to unsee this. You’re welcome.
*****
Bonus Round: Scott Hanson Wins
Scott Hanson does a great job on the Red Zone channel and an even better job at getting into the holiday spirit.
If I owned that jacket I would never take it off.
*****
"This one's for you."
— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) December 24, 2016
Hue Jackson's emotional victory speech #SDvsCLE https://t.co/9RWBAeiL6Q
I was really excited for the endless array of 0-16 Browns merchandise, but I must admit that the scene in the Cleveland locker room after finally getting their first win was phenomenal.
Good for Hue Jackson and good on tight end Gary Barnidge for giving coach the game ball.
Exquisite moment.
*****
Amazing.
*****
Attn @RAIDERS: Hire this man. pic.twitter.com/xfZ8Elm34Y
— Tim Ryan🦤 (@TheSportsHernia) December 25, 2016
Please, Mark Davis, sign this man. And make it snappy.
*****
https://twitter.com/Giants/status/812001050496483328
The Giants unis on Thursday night brought back some pretty haunting memories of Leonard Marshall ending Joe Montana in the NFC Championship.
Serves them right that they gave one away in Philly.
Yeah, that hit.
*****
Big Blue is headed to Philly for a #TNF showdown with the Eagles! Let's go Giants! @united
— New York Giants (@Giants) December 21, 2016
TRAVEL PHOTOS: https://t.co/Mi9JOUg2M7 pic.twitter.com/5tfNO7PstB
On the flip side, these white Starter jackets are incredible.
Want one, need one, must have one.
*****
Something ain't right with this dude. pic.twitter.com/qJD0V1raf4
— Tim Ryan🦤 (@TheSportsHernia) December 24, 2016
Seriously, what is up with this dude and his weird smiles and smirks at the strangest of times?
*****
Hey @cj_wentz was that @Eagles win on your Christmas list?? #FlyEaglesFly #Hohoho #futuremallsanta pic.twitter.com/A76YPT5SwB
— Beau Allen (@Beau_Allen) December 23, 2016
Has anyone suggested to Carson Wentz that picking up a weight might assist in preventing him from breaking in half at some point?
Even Sixers legend Shawn Bradley had bigger arms.
*****
And finally, a sincere Happy Holidays from irresistible sexual beast, Bill Belichick.
*****
Previously:
- Colin Kaepernick Honors Rogue One, Goes Full Jedi
- Cam Newton To Star In Golden Girls: The Movie
- Cam Newton Got Benched For Being Cam Newton
- Mariota’s Mustache Has Seized Control Of The NFL
- Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
- Antonio Brown’s Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
- Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
- The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
- Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
- Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
- Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
- J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
- Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
- Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
- Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more scorching takes and unapologetic honesty, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the NFL podium, each of those installments can be found here.