NFL Playoff Fashion: DeAndre Hopkins Arrives From The Catwalk Just In Time For Game
By Tim Ryan
The NFL regular season has tragically come to an end and now we’re left with just 12 teams standing, three of which have starting quarterbacks that wouldn’t even get drafted in your fantasy league.
But alas, we must press on and pluck out the gems, for better or for worse.
Gems who have seized the opportunity to offer up their absolute best at the postgame podium, where star players — like the unflappable Matt Ryan — are bestowed with the honor to style and profile on the big stage like The Nature Boy, inevitably setting Twitter ablaze and grabbing the attention of big brands so as to finally land that elusive endorsement gig with Tic Tacs.
Ah yes, I can already see Andrew Luck rescuing his breath in an ad for Tic Tacs while getting into the face of an offensive lineman. Or simply replacing the Minion above and keeping the exact same copy.
Unfortunately, we’re still waiting for some clinically insane showman to take it to this kind of next-level intensity.
But make no mistake about it, this weekly showcase of styles includes all walks of life, led by fashion-forward trendsetters such as the awe-inspiring Big Ben, who doesn’t give a single shit and never will give a single shit.
As we’ve witnessed over these last few years of vital coverage, sometimes the ensemble does work:
Alright, alright, alright. Yes, this is from last week but Cole Beasley was so damn Dazed and Confused he’s back again to show us how it’s done.
Unfortunately, not everyone can channel the charisma of a sleazy Matthew McConaughey, so it’s not uncommon to see that — at times — the ensemble most certainly does NOT work.
For example, that time last season when it looked like Tom Brady slammed a dozen Xanax before waddling up to the podium.
The important takeaway here?
Everyone has an off day, even Sir Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.
*****MISSING IN ACTION*****
Too many people to mention, but this final four collage aptly summarizes the massive cliff we tumble off of once playoff time comes around in the NFL.
As for those still around, these are their stories…
Jay Ajayi
We’re gonna start this one off on a very rare, serious note.
Why? Because look at the tearful eyes of running back Jay Ajayi following what was clearly an excruciatingly painful playoff loss to the Steelers.
If I’m a Dolphins fan, this actually makes me happy because I know one of the key cogs in the wheel actually gives a shit.
I don’t even like the Dolphins and it still hurts me to see this dude so hurt.
Chin up, my friend.
*****
Aaron Rodgers
Hear from #Packers QB @AaronRodgers12 on the playoff win & ANOTHER Hail Mary!
— Green Bay Packers (@packers) January 9, 2017
🎥: https://t.co/pdtaJc53d3#NYGvsGB #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/V900xjvZww
OK, let’s get back to business and the business at hand right now is actually an important life lesson:
When your scruff eventually becomes a sociable neckbeard and begins making friends with your chest hair, it’s time to put a scorching halt to everything and send everyone back to their proper place.
This is the hair equivalent of a prison jailbreak and an obvious no-no for anyone who has access to a mirror.
*****
Bryan Bulaga
I would be more than happy to share the very same life lesson with Bryan Bulaga, but he’s an offensive lineman.
They’re supposed to look like this.
While we’re here, I will also say that Bulaga looks exactly like “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase:
*****
Whitney Mercilus
Texans outside linebacker Whitney Mercilus wore a “MAKE FOOTBALL VIOLENT AGAIN” t-shirt.
I am suddenly loving Houston’s chances in Foxoboro. Although that reporter appears to be greatly concerned about the message being conveyed.
Whatever. Well done, fine sir.
*****
Odell Beckham Jr.
Odell Beckham’s safe place is his hoodie. When you have four catches for 28 yards, you absolutely need a safe place. This is perfect.
*****
Brock Osweiler
Black overcoat with a black shirt and a gray scarf? I have zero problems with this. Perfect winter look.
What might be more important is that Brock Osweiler has yet to admit he was one of the privileged rich kids who repeatedly picked on Brendan Fraser in School Ties.
via YouTube
Savages.
https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/817955243149258752
Later on in the press conference, Osweiler — a guy listed at 6-freaking-8 — showed reporters how to throw the ball in a downward motion so as to get the ball batted away by defensive linemen as much as humanly possible.
How the hell does anyone bat the ball away from this guy, let alone five times in one game?
Next week in New England should be a breeze.
*****
Ramon Foster
Ramon Foster, aka The Big Ragu, is the Tim Duncan of this Steelers team when it comes to fashion and I appreciate the hell out of him for that.
Do your job, go home. Come back to work in the morning if coach says so.
Such an endlessly endearing fella.
*****
Randall Cobb
Aaron Rodgers threw a hail mary to Randall Cobb that you almost knew would connect once it left his hand to end the first half. Of course it did. To celebrate, Randall Cobb got a comfy spot at the podium after the game and matched the backdrop with a pricey jacket and his eyes.
Remember, we’ve seen this matching move from Cobb before:
The guy knows exactly what he’s doing.
But to be fair, he’s really just showing team spirit in a very unique and organic way.
Also, Randall Cobb is, without question, the son of Damon Stoudamire.
*****
Matthew Stafford
Matthew Stafford's full #DETvsSEA postgame press conference: https://t.co/9zv2nErDBC pic.twitter.com/xTTqYAgBmC
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) January 8, 2017
Yeah, that whole “difference between winning and losing is written all over your face” thing is something Matthew Stafford has down to a science. Simply put, no one does it better.
Just look at that face and tell me this isn’t the beginning of an episode of Forensic Files:
“All of his neighbors thought he was a nice, friendly guy, but later that night…”
*****
Cris Collinsworth’s Scarf
Thanks to SB Nation writer @justRVB, we get an unexpected dose of Cris Collinsworth this week.
And wow, sweet scarf, Cris.
Did you cut a charcoal overcoat in half and then just throw it over your shoulders?
Because that’s what it looks like.
*****
Eli Manning
How about it, guys? One more Eli DERP face for the road and then his awkwardness can take a vacation until September. ‘Twas quite a run.
*****
Jared Cook
Jared Cook stands at a whopping 6’5 and 254 pounds.
His interview following yesterday’s game was really my first time getting a look at the guy and my lone question is… how is Cook’s nickname NOT BeetleJuice?
Probably because he’s 6’5 and 254 pounds. Never mind.
*****
Ryan Shazier’s Cleats
These are just phenomenal.
Joey Porter screaming and Kevin Greene’s flowing hair took these cleats to another level.
*****
Connor Cook
"I was confident in the game plan. Confident in the guys around me...it was a learning experience."
— Las Vegas Raiders (@Raiders) January 8, 2017
Watch: https://t.co/4jPnZmxquv pic.twitter.com/lPD7JV4ko8
Connor Cook, who went 18/45 for 161 yards and a TD to go along with 3 picks, was allegedly attacked by Nike lawyers and a slew of henchmen for wearing that hat during his press conference.
At 3.58 yards per attempt, you can hardly blame the shoe giant for its aggressive tactics. Especially since it’s such a striking Swoosh. Per ESPN’s highly specific #sportbiz whiz Darren Rovell, Cook’s choice to wear the hat could damage the brand for approximately 11.3 hours.
Additionally, Cook is expected to be fined $15,000 for grabbing his breasts and refusing to let go.
*****
DeAndre Hopkins
DeAndre Hopkins arrived via private jet following an exhausting series of memorable struts on the runway against some of the world’s top models.
According to my European source, Hopkins saw victories in both Milan and Paris but was suffering from serious mental fatigue after a hostile encounter with Derek Zoolander.
*****
Richard Sherman
It appears Richard Sherman just got wind of DeAndre Hopkins’ runway victories in Milan and Paris and would very much like to challenge the Texans receiver to a walk-off on national television.
I’d watch it, if only to see Sherman blame the choreographer for picking “offensive” music or his stylist for choosing the wrong pink-feathered boa.
*****
Cameron Wake
Take one look at this suit and you might think Cameron Wake is giving a stylish shoutout to the New Orleans Saints, but you’d be wrong.
This is simply one of the flashiest defensive ends in the NFL who even color coordinates his sunglasses with his suits.
When you’re capable of pulling off such a jacket so flawlessly, you can pretty much do anything in life.
Keep up the good work, dude. And PLEASE, do your best to try and take a day away from the gym this offseason.
*****
Darius Slay
Absolutely love Lions DB Darius Slay wearing his own “Big Play Slay” hoodie. In fact, I implore every player in the NFL to wear shirts that house their own likeness.
But let’s not kid ourselves. Slay had two tackles in the game; one solo.
This is definitely not the time to be reminding Lions fans of the catchphrase “Big Play Slay.”
*****
Antonio Brown
Rockin’ the fur as only he can and as he should, Antonio Brown deserved a better platform to meet with reporters — especially at home — than the smothering, “Pitino press” setup we have here.
What a mess. Give this man some space people, he’s earned it.
*****
Russell Wilson
This has been documented for weeks now — here, here and here — and it’s painfully obvious that Russell Wilson is putting in about half the effort into his outfits that was last season.
Remember, Wilson got married this past July. Do the math. Suddenly, that slick fade and velvet smoking jacket just doesn’t matter as much anymore.
*****
Jadeveon Clowney
If you get a chance, watch the beginning of Clowney’s press conference. This dude is pure entertainment:
“What’s uuuuuuuuup?”
If you don’t like Jadeveon Clowney, you probably despise happiness in general.
Since he opted to wear his full uniform to the podium, let’s take a look at Clowney’s arrival.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BO-ZbWSg2pP/
There’s that sweet Starter jacket again.
In a word? Immaculate.
*****
Lamar Miller
This hasn’t been said much because it should already be understood:
Wearing a white or black t-shirt and your gold will get you an A+ every single time.
This isn’t that hard, guys.
Lamar Miller knows what’s up.
*****
Ndamukong Suh
Suh didn’t exactly bring much to the stage at his postgame press conference but boy was he dressed up and ready to go before the game… even though he wore the same exact suit he donned last week:
Oh well, at least he thought enough to swap out the button-down. Hell, I’m surprised Suh even bothers to wear a suit at all.
Right now, I imagine the terrifying defensive end is passionately boxing and power-bombing a family of grizzly bears to let off a season’s worth of steam.
Good for him. Good for everybody.
*****
Khalil Mack
Once Derek Carr broke his leg in Week 16, the NFL might as well have replaced Oakland’s spot with the next best team in the AFC. I’d say that Titans, but Marcus Mariota broke his leg too.
Anyway, the stark difference between winning and losing is a story that can always be told through pictures.
This is Khalil Mack on Thanksgiving weekend after the Raiders beat the Panthers, a game where the All-Pro beast had a pretty sick pick-6.
Yeah, he was quite pleased.
Yesterday he looked like a relief pitcher regretfully discussing the back-to-back-to-back home runs he served up in the 7th inning.
*****
Thomas Rawls
Not really feeling the jacket at all here but if this is what Thomas Rawls likes, then so be it.
I refuse to hate on a guy who looks so genuinely happy to be making a rare appearance at the podium.
Good for him.
*****
Antonio Brown’s Tribute Cleats
Antonio Brown wore special customized cleats to honor the late Jasper Howard, a UCONN cornerback who was stabbed to death outside the Student Union Center in 2009 following a homecoming win over Louisville.
Per TMZ Sports — who spoke with cleat artist Corey Pane — Brown knew Howard was from Miami and wanted to pay tribute to him since the Steelers were hosting the Dolphins.
Keep in mind, this happened seven years ago. Not exactly something that might jump to the forefront of someone’s mind during a week of practice leading up to a playoff game, so major, major props to Antonio Brown for the profoundly thoughtful tribute.
*****
Kam Chancellor
Never been a fan of the excessive chalk lines on a suit — or anything for that matter — though I will say Kam Chancellor pulls it off a helluva lot better than either Manning brother ever has.
*****
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
Nice hat, ya’ dick. We get it. You went to Alabama.
GO. CLEMSON.
*****
Pete Carroll
.@PeteCarroll postgame press conference from @CenturyLink_Fld. #DETvsSEA https://t.co/tQoBttba33
— Seattle Seahawks (@Seahawks) January 8, 2017
The most disappointing thing about Pete Carroll’s press conferences is that he completely abandons the “chew gum like a coked up horse” routine.
Because this man is truly the master of gum chewing and all other gum-related activities:
Pete Carroll has great reflexes, catches the gum he dropped while unwrapping it pic.twitter.com/6QbTLzall2
— CJ Fogler account may or may not be notable (@cjzero) January 8, 2017
The fact that Carroll does not have an official endorsement agreement with Big League Chew or Bubble Tape remains an enormous failure for all parties involved.
For the love of God, Pete, wake up and get a new agent.
*****
Latavius Murray
If you’re Latavius Murray and your team — led by a QB who would probably be just as bad against Notre Dame’s defense — just got trounced 27-14, how quickly do you slap that “95.7 The Game” microphone out of your face?
I’d be up there with a tennis racket just swatting shit away like Mutombo.
*****
Who Wore It Best?
Gotta give it to Mike Tirico here. Whatever he’s wearing is a healthy step above Bradford and his Patagonia garb.
Also, I almost called this “Who Wore It Vest?” but then I smacked myself in the face with a couch and remembered that this is definitely not a segment for Hollywood Extra.
NOTE: This was obviously just an excuse to include Sam Bradford again.
*****
Jadeveon Clowney, Part II
This photo is downright hilarious, however…
.@HoustonTexans DE @clownejd joins the @ESPNNFL crew on set after the #Texans 27-14 playoff win over the @Raiders: pic.twitter.com/5SsvrAqhw8
— Houston Texans PR (@TexansPR) January 8, 2017
I’m disappointed and somewhat crushed to say that JaDeveon Clowney is not, in fact, 9-feet tall.
Angles. It’s all about the angles.
*****
Bonus Round: Brandon Weeden Sighting!
From the Houston Texans “arrivals” photo gallery comes the wonderful surprise of Brandon Weeden’s existence on an NFL roster.
Honestly had no idea he played for the Texans. Says a lot about the living legend.
But hey, he still has nicer luggage than any of us. Not a bad gig if you can get it.
*****
Sunday back @NYDNSports w/cameo toon by the great @EdMurawinski @giants @packers @BackPageGuyNYDN @APSE_sportmedia https://t.co/Gofjx3yNDA pic.twitter.com/6zQqGas0Ou
— Ian Powers (@IanPowers) January 8, 2017
Yup, this worked out just as they drew it up.
Five star performance by everyone on the Giants, including the immortal Paul Perkins, who stared at a fumble for roughly five seconds like it was a dead animal until the Packers finally decided to jump on the ball.
*****
— Dave Parsons (@DaveP504) January 8, 2017
Rovell does it again!
Jeeeeeeeeeesus, Darren.
Going forward, it should be mandatory that he use the 5-minute rule before ever pressing “Tweet,” even if it’s just to say hello.
*****
The most impactful thing Odell Beckham Jr. has ever done in the playoffs involved an innocent wall.
Sad!
*****
https://www.instagram.com/p/BO7wtB9gii2/?taken-by=packers&hl=en
Needs more watermarks. Definitely NOT enough watermarks.
*****
That Raiders t-shirt by Nike with the perfectly faded graphic is a must-have for anyone, even if you happen to hate Oakland, hate sports altogether, or even hate yourself.
Best logo in the league.
*****
Thomas Rawls had no clue he had set the Seahawks record for rushing yards in a playoff game.
Not sure I’ve ever seen a player be so thankful at the end of an on-field interview.
This is exactly why everyone loves Thomas Rawls.
Check out his reaction upon learning the news on live TV:
Thomas Rawls for NFL Commish.
Thomas Rawls for President.
*****
Previously:
- We’re Really Going To Miss You, Sam Bradford
- Landon Collins’ Hair Wishes You A Very Merry Christmas
- Colin Kaepernick Honors Rogue One, Goes Full Jedi
- Cam Newton To Star In Golden Girls: The Movie
- Cam Newton Got Benched For Being Cam Newton
- Mariota’s Mustache Seizes Control Of NFL
- Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
- Antonio Brown’s Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
- Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
- The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
- Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
- Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
- Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
- J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shirt
- Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Barbershop Quartet
- Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Brady’s Absence
- Cam Newton Channels Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more unapologetic honesty and thought-provoking life lessons, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the NFL podium, each of those installments can be found here.