The NFL regular season has tragically comeĀ to an end and now weāre left with just 12 teams standing, three of which have starting quarterbacks that wouldnāt even get drafted in your fantasy league.
But alas, we must press on and pluck out the gems, for better orĀ for worse.
Gems who have seized the opportunityĀ to offer up their absolute bestĀ at the postgame podium, where starĀ players āĀ like the unflappable Matt Ryan ā are bestowed with the honor toĀ style and profile on the big stage likeĀ The Nature Boy, inevitably setting Twitter ablaze and grabbingĀ the attention of big brands so as to finally land that elusive endorsement gig with Tic Tacs.
Ah yes, I can already see Andrew Luck rescuing his breathĀ in an ad for Tic Tacs while getting into the face of an offensive lineman. Or simply replacing theĀ Minion above and keeping the exact same copy.
Unfortunately, weāreĀ still waiting for some clinically insane showman to take it to this kind of next-level intensity.
But make no mistake about it, this weekly showcase of styles includes all walks of life, led by fashion-forward trendsetters such as the awe-inspiring Big Ben,Ā who doesnāt give a single shitĀ and never will give a single shit.
As weāve witnessed over these last few years of vital coverage, sometimes the ensemble does work:
Alright, alright, alright. Yes, this is from last week but Cole Beasley was so damnĀ Dazed and ConfusedĀ heās back again to show us how itās done.
Unfortunately, not everyone can channel the charisma of a sleazy Matthew McConaughey, so itās not uncommon to see that āĀ at times āĀ the ensemble most certainly does NOTĀ work.
For example, that time last season when it looked like Tom Brady slammed a dozen Xanax before waddlingĀ up to the podium.
The important takeaway here?
Everyone has an off day, even Sir Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.
*****MISSING IN ACTION*****
Too many people to mention, but this final four collage aptly summarizes the massive cliff we tumble off of once playoff time comes around in the NFL.
As for those still around,Ā these are their storiesā¦
Jay Ajayi
Weāre gonna start this one off on a very rare, serious note.
Why? Because look at the tearful eyes of running back Jay Ajayi following what was clearly an excruciatingly painful playoff loss to the Steelers.
If Iām a Dolphins fan, this actually makes me happy because I know one of the key cogs in the wheel actually gives a shit.
I donāt even like the Dolphins and it still hurts meĀ to see this dude so hurt.
Chin up, my friend.
*****
Aaron Rodgers
Hear from #Packers QB @AaronRodgers12 on the playoff win & ANOTHER Hail Mary!
ā Green Bay Packers (@packers) January 9, 2017
š„: https://t.co/pdtaJc53d3#NYGvsGB #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/V900xjvZww
OK, letās get back to business and the business at hand right now is actually an important life lesson:
When your scruff eventually becomes a sociable neckbeard and begins making friends with your chest hair, itās time to put a scorching halt to everything and send everyone back toĀ their proper place.
This is the hair equivalent of a prison jailbreak and an obvious no-no for anyone who has access to a mirror.
*****
Bryan Bulaga
I would be more than happy to share the very same life lesson with Bryan Bulaga, but heās an offensive lineman.
Theyāre supposed to look like this.
While weāre here, I will also say that Bulaga looks exactly like āThe Million Dollar Manā Ted DiBiase:
*****
Whitney Mercilus
Texans outside linebacker Whitney Mercilus wore a āMAKE FOOTBALL VIOLENT AGAINā t-shirt.
I am suddenly loving Houstonās chances inĀ Foxoboro. Although that reporter appears to be greatly concerned about the message being conveyed.
Whatever. Well done, fine sir.
*****
Odell Beckham Jr.
Odell Beckhamās safe place is his hoodie. When you have four catches for 28 yards, you absolutely need a safe place. This is perfect.
*****
Brock Osweiler
Black overcoat with a black shirt and a gray scarf? I have zero problems with this. Perfect winter look.
What might be more important is that Brock Osweiler has yet to admit he was one of the privileged rich kids who repeatedly picked on Brendan Fraser in School Ties.
via YouTube
Savages.
https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/817955243149258752
Later on in the press conference, Osweiler ā a guy listed at 6-freaking-8Ā ā showedĀ reporters how to throw the ball in a downward motion so as to get the ball batted away by defensive linemen as much as humanly possible.
How the hell does anyone bat the ball away from this guy, let alone five times in one game?
Next week in New England should be a breeze.
*****
Ramon Foster
Ramon Foster, aka The Big Ragu, is the Tim Duncan of this Steelers team when it comes to fashion and I appreciate the hell out of him for that.
Do your job, go home. Come back to work in the morning if coach says so.
SuchĀ an endlessly endearing fella.
*****
Randall Cobb
Aaron Rodgers threw a hail maryĀ to Randall Cobb that you almost knew would connect once it left his hand to end the first half. Of course it did. To celebrate, Randall Cobb got a comfy spot at the podium after the game and matched the backdrop with a pricey jacket and his eyes.
Remember, weāve seen this matching move from Cobb before:
The guyĀ knows exactly what heās doing.
But to be fair, heās really just showing team spirit in a very unique and organic way.
Also, Randall Cobb is, without question, the son of Damon Stoudamire.
*****
Matthew Stafford
Matthew Stafford's full #DETvsSEA postgame press conference: https://t.co/9zv2nErDBC pic.twitter.com/xTTqYAgBmC
ā Detroit Lions (@Lions) January 8, 2017
Yeah, that whole ādifference between winning and losing is written all over your faceā thing is something Matthew Stafford has down to a science. Simply put, no one does it better.
Just look at that face and tell me thisĀ isnāt the beginning of an episode of Forensic Files:
āAll of hisĀ neighbors thought he was a nice, friendly guy, but later that nightā¦ā
*****
Cris Collinsworthās Scarf
Thanks to SB Nation writer @justRVB, we get an unexpected dose of Cris Collinsworth this week.
And wow, sweet scarf, Cris.
Did you cut a charcoal overcoat in half and then just throw it over your shoulders?
Because thatās what it looks like.
*****
Eli Manning
How about it, guys? One more Eli DERP face for the road and then his awkwardness can take a vacation until September. āTwas quite a run.
*****
Jared Cook
Jared Cook stands at a whoppingĀ 6ā5 and 254 pounds.
His interview following yesterdayās game was really my first time getting a look at the guy and my lone question isā¦ how is CookāsĀ nickname NOT BeetleJuice?
Probably because heās 6ā5 and 254 pounds. Never mind.
*****
Ryan Shazierās Cleats
These are just phenomenal.
Joey Porter screaming and Kevin Greeneās flowing hair tookĀ these cleats to another level.
*****
Connor Cook
"I was confident in the game plan. Confident in the guys around me...it was a learning experience."
ā Las Vegas Raiders (@Raiders) January 8, 2017
Watch: https://t.co/4jPnZmxquv pic.twitter.com/lPD7JV4ko8
Connor Cook, who went 18/45 for 161 yards and a TD to go along with 3 picks, was allegedly attacked by Nike lawyers and a slew of henchmen for wearing that hat during his press conference.
At 3.58 yards per attempt, you can hardly blame the shoe giant for its aggressive tactics. Especially since itās such a striking Swoosh. Per ESPNās highly specific #sportbiz whiz Darren Rovell, Cookās choice to wear the hat could damage the brand for approximately 11.3 hours.
Additionally, Cook is expected to be fined $15,000 for grabbing his breasts and refusing to let go.
*****
DeAndre Hopkins
DeAndre Hopkins arrived via private jet following an exhausting series of memorable struts on the runway against some of the worldās top models.
According to my European source, Hopkins saw victories inĀ both Milan and Paris but was suffering from serious mental fatigue after a hostile encounter with Derek Zoolander.
*****
Richard Sherman
It appears Richard Sherman justĀ got wind of DeAndre Hopkinsā runway victories in Milan and Paris and would very much like to challenge the Texans receiver to a walk-off on national television.
Iād watch it, if only to see Sherman blameĀ the choreographer for picking āoffensiveāĀ music or his stylist for choosing the wrong pink-feathered boa.
*****
Cameron Wake
Take one look at thisĀ suit and you might think Cameron Wake isĀ giving a stylish shoutout to the New Orleans Saints, but youād be wrong.
This is simply one of theĀ flashiest defensive ends in the NFL who even color coordinates his sunglasses with his suits.
When youāre capable of pulling off such a jacket so flawlessly, you can pretty much do anything in life.
Keep up the good work, dude. And PLEASE, do your best to try and take a day away from the gym this offseason.
*****
Darius Slay
Absolutely love Lions DB Darius Slay wearing his own āBig Play Slayā hoodie. In fact, I implore every player in the NFL to wear shirts that house their own likeness.
But letās not kid ourselves. Slay had two tackles in the game; one solo.
This is definitely not the time to be reminding Lions fans of the catchphraseĀ āBig Play Slay.ā
*****
Antonio Brown
Rockinā the fur as only heĀ can and as he should, Antonio Brown deserved a better platform to meet with reporters ā especially at home ā than theĀ smothering, āPitino pressā setup we have here.
What a mess. Give this man some space people, heās earned it.
*****
Russell Wilson
This has been documented for weeks now ā here, here and here ā and itās painfully obvious that Russell Wilson is putting in about half the effort into his outfits that was last season.
Remember, WilsonĀ got married this past July. Do the math. Suddenly, that slick fade and velvet smoking jacket just doesnāt matter as much anymore.
*****
Jadeveon Clowney
If you get a chance, watch the beginning of Clowneyās press conference. This dude is pure entertainment:
āWhatās uuuuuuuuup?ā
If you donāt like Jadeveon Clowney, you probably despise happiness in general.
Since he opted to wear his full uniform to the podium, letās take a look at ClowneyāsĀ arrival.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BO-ZbWSg2pP/
Thereās that sweet Starter jacket again.
In a word? Immaculate.
*****
Lamar Miller
This hasnāt been said much because it should already be understood:
Wearing a white or black t-shirt and your gold will get you an A+ every single time.
This isnāt that hard, guys.
Lamar Miller knows whatās up.
*****
Ndamukong Suh
Suh didnāt exactly bring much to the stage at his postgame press conference but boy was he dressed up and ready to go before the gameā¦ even though he wore the same exact suit he donned last week:
Oh well, at least he thought enough to swap out the button-down. Hell, Iām surprised Suh even bothers to wear a suit at all.
Right now, I imagineĀ the terrifying defensive end is passionatelyĀ boxing and power-bombing a family of grizzly bears to let off a seasonās worth of steam.
Good for him. Good for everybody.
*****
Khalil Mack
Once Derek Carr broke his leg in Week 16, the NFL might as well have replaced OaklandāsĀ spot with the next best team in the AFC. Iād say that Titans, but Marcus Mariota broke his leg too.
Anyway, the stark difference between winning and losing is a story that can always be told through pictures.
This is Khalil Mack on Thanksgiving weekend after the Raiders beat the Panthers, a game where the All-Pro beastĀ had a pretty sick pick-6.
Yeah, he was quite pleased.
Yesterday he looked like a relief pitcher regretfully discussing the back-to-back-to-back home runs he served up in the 7th inning.
*****
Thomas Rawls
Not really feeling the jacket at all here but if this isĀ what Thomas Rawls likes, then so be it.
I refuse to hate on a guy who looks so genuinely happy to be making a rare appearance at the podium.
Good for him.
*****
Antonio Brownās Tribute Cleats
Antonio Brown woreĀ special customized cleats to honor the late Jasper Howard, a UCONN cornerback who was stabbed to death outside the Student Union CenterĀ in 2009Ā following a homecoming win over Louisville.
Per TMZ SportsĀ ā who spoke with cleat artist Corey Pane ā Brown knewĀ Howard was from Miami and wanted to pay tribute to him since the Steelers were hosting the Dolphins.
Keep in mind, this happened seven years ago. Not exactly something that might jump to the forefront of someoneās mind during a week of practice leading up to a playoff game, so major, major props to Antonio Brown for the profoundly thoughtful tribute.
*****
Kam Chancellor
Never been a fan of the excessive chalk lines on a suit ā or anything for that matter ā though I will say Kam Chancellor pulls it off a helluva lot better than either Manning brother ever has.
*****
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
Nice hat, yaā dick. We get it. You went to Alabama.
GO. CLEMSON.
*****
Pete Carroll
.@PeteCarroll postgame press conference from @CenturyLink_Fld. #DETvsSEA https://t.co/tQoBttba33
ā Seattle Seahawks (@Seahawks) January 8, 2017
The most disappointing thing about Pete Carrollās press conferences is that he completely abandons the āchew gum like a coked up horseā routine.
Because this man is truly the master of gum chewing and all other gum-related activities:
Pete Carroll has great reflexes, catches the gum he dropped while unwrapping it pic.twitter.com/6QbTLzall2
ā CJ Fogler account may or may not be notable (@cjzero) January 8, 2017
The fact that CarrollĀ does not have an official endorsement agreement with Big League Chew or Bubble Tape remains an enormous failure for all parties involved.
For the love of God, Pete, wake up and get a new agent.
*****
Latavius Murray
If youāreĀ Latavius Murray and your team ā led by a QB who would probably be just as bad against Notre DameāsĀ defense ā just got trounced 27-14, how quickly do you slapĀ that ā95.7 The Gameā microphone out of your face?
Iād be up there with a tennisĀ racket just swatting shit away like Mutombo.
*****
Who Wore It Best?
Gotta give it to Mike Tirico here. Whatever heās wearing is a healthy step above Bradford and his Patagonia garb.
Also, I almost called this āWho Wore It Vest?ā but then I smacked myself in the face with a couch and remembered that this is definitely not a segment for Hollywood Extra.
NOTE: This was obviously just an excuse to include Sam Bradford again.
*****
Jadeveon Clowney,Ā Part II
This photo is downright hilarious, howeverā¦
.@HoustonTexans DE @clownejd joins the @ESPNNFL crew on set after the #Texans 27-14 playoff win over the @Raiders: pic.twitter.com/5SsvrAqhw8
ā Houston Texans PR (@TexansPR) January 8, 2017
Iām disappointed and somewhat crushed to say that JaDeveon Clowney is not, in fact, 9-feet tall.
Angles. Itās all about the angles.
*****
Bonus Round:Ā Brandon Weeden Sighting!
From the Houston Texans āarrivalsā photo gallery comes the wonderful surprise of Brandon Weedenās existence on an NFL roster.
Honestly had no idea he played for the Texans. Says a lot about the living legend.
But hey, he still has nicer luggage than any of us. Not a bad gig if you can get it.
*****
Sunday back @NYDNSports w/cameo toon by the great @EdMurawinski @giants @packers @BackPageGuyNYDN @APSE_sportmedia https://t.co/Gofjx3yNDA pic.twitter.com/6zQqGas0Ou
ā Ian Powers (@IanPowers) January 8, 2017
Yup, this worked out just as they drew it up.
Five star performance by everyone on the Giants, including the immortal Paul Perkins, who stared at a fumble for roughly five seconds like it was a dead animal until the Packers finally decided to jump on the ball.
*****
ā Dave Parsons (@DaveP504) January 8, 2017
Rovell does it again!
Jeeeeeeeeeesus, Darren.
Going forward, it should be mandatory that he use the 5-minute rule before ever pressing āTweet,ā even if itās just to say hello.
*****
The most impactful thing Odell Beckham Jr. has ever done in the playoffs involved an innocent wall.
Sad!
*****
https://www.instagram.com/p/BO7wtB9gii2/?taken-by=packers&hl=en
Needs more watermarks. Definitely NOTĀ enough watermarks.
*****
That RaidersĀ t-shirt by Nike with the perfectly faded graphic is a must-have for anyone, even if you happen to hate Oakland, hate sports altogether, or even hate yourself.
Best logo in the league.
*****
Thomas Rawls had no clue he had set the Seahawks record for rushing yards in a playoff game.
Not sure Iāve ever seen a player be so thankful at the end of an on-field interview.
This is exactly why everyone loves Thomas Rawls.
Check out his reaction upon learning the news on live TV:
Thomas Rawls for NFL Commish.
Thomas Rawls for President.
*****
Previously:
- Weāre Really Going To Miss You, Sam Bradford
- Landon Collinsā Hair Wishes You A Very Merry Christmas
- Colin Kaepernick Honors Rogue One, Goes Full Jedi
- Cam Newton To Star In Golden Girls: The Movie
- Cam Newton Got Benched For Being Cam Newton
- Mariotaās Mustache Seizes Control Of NFL
- Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
- Antonio Brownās Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
- Tom Bradyās XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
- The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
- Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
- Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
- Cam Canāt Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
- J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With āSandlotā Shirt
- MeetĀ Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Barbershop Quartet
- Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Bradyās Absence
- Cam Newton Channels Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more unapologetic honesty and thought-provokingĀ life lessons, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last seasonās colorful ride at the NFL podium, each of those installments can be found here.