Super Bowl Fashion: Third-String QB Jacoby Brissett Somehow Wins Final Round

The NFL season has tragically come to an end and did so in shocking fashion, as the Atlanta Falcons abandoned the run and clock management, all but gift-wrapping yet another Super Bowl win for Sir Thomas and The Bill.

Seriously, before we get to what this space is usually reserved for, we must address THIS:

via Twitter

What the shit? How do the Falcons — who had run the ball very well — not run the ball in both instances in the interest of draining clock and forcing timeouts and, ya’ know, kicking a god damn field goal to go up by 11?

Mind-blogging stuff.

If I’m a Falcons fan, I’ve already thrown every TV out the window and moved onto large household appliances.

But alas, we must move onto the postgame festivities and accompanying attire.

*****MISSING IN ACTION*****

Brains. Brains were mysteriously missing in action on the Atlanta sideline in the 2nd half, so please pray for the Falcons and also pray that GRONK made it back to his hotel safely last night.

This, of course, is assuming that GRONK’s night has even ended yet.

Anyway, as I’ve been saying for the last 20 weeks or so, these are their stories…

Matt Ryan

via AtlantaFalcons.com

This was Matt Ryan’s hair during the National Anthem. We should have all known right there and then that something would go tragically wrong.

Sadly, and rather pathetically I might add, there are no postgame press conferences on the Falcons official site right now.

Weak. Very, very weak.

Though thankfully, NFL.com has a couple.

via NFL.com

Cheers to Matt Ryan for actually having the internal strength to put on a suit following such a soul-crushing loss.

He should’ve come out in a bathrobe with a bottle of Jack affixed to each of his ears.

There’s also this engaging quote from Matty Ice:

About as electric as they come. I would love to be a fly on the wall if Matt Ryan and Bill Belichick were to ever dine together, just sitting there staring at each other.

Matt: “So… uh, how’s your food, coach?”

Bill: “It’s OK.”

Matt: “Mine’s OK too.”

[Rest of meal eaten in dead silence; waiter too afraid to go near table]

I would absolutely watch a one-hour special of this dinner on NFL Network.

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Robert Alford

OK, I’m quickly starting to understand why there aren’t many postgame press conferences on the Falcons site.

Ouch.

Holy crap this is the worst stat I’ve ever seen.

FOLD THE FALCONS and let’s move onto the winners.

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Tom Brady

via Patriots.com

Following a classic, intense Super Bowl that went to OT, no one expects anyone to dress up. Brady literally looks like this game took every last bit of energy from him.

He’s looking so physically and emotionally drained — and understandably so — to the point it looks like he actually dropped some weight during the game.

Get well, get well soon, we wish you to get well!

This is Tom Brady meeting with the media earlier this morning.

Really? Come on, Sir Thomas.

You just won your 5th Super Bowl ring and you’re going with the white undershirt look?

You own the better part of the world right now. Forget the unfashionable, Aaron Rodgers-like look and just go with the gray zip-up like the heroic movie star you’ve become.

And you’re damn right a lot of shit went down, Tommy:

Candid Tom Brady is always the best Tom Brady.

Pretty cool moment here regardless of where you stand, but I’m still quite pissed that Brady didn’t savagely rip the trophy away from Goodell like this:

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Roger Goodell

The heat this man received during the Lombardi Trophy presentation was nothing short of remarkable and made the chaos that took place when Hogan turned heel look like a family picnic in the park.

Well done, Pats fans.

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Jacoby Brissett

In a word, tremendous. Backup QB Jacoby Brissett had a shirt made featuring his fellow pigskin-tossing compadres, Tom Brady and Jimmy Garoppolo.

I also love that, due to the angle of the photo, Jimmy got left out.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQJXJ3EAaDW/

Oh, there’s Jimmy!

Sure, he’s being strangled to death by Brissett’s armpit, but he’s there.

Everyone’s happy now. Except for EVERYONE outside the New England area.

Sad!

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Julian Edelman

via Patriots.com

If Julian Edelman continues to grow out this pube explosion that resides on his face, it will soon connect with both his chest hair and eyebrows.

Can’t. Wait.

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Some Dude On The Falcons

via NFL.com

I can’t figure out which member of the Falcons this is and I frankly don’t care at this point. But it’s worth mentioning that this dude won the day in terms of best dressed.

On Super Bowl Sunday, that’s kind of like winning a lollipop instead of $10 million dollars.

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Bill Belichick

via Patriots.com

This man just won his 5th Super Bowl and is widely considered to be the greatest NFL coach of all time, and perhaps the greatest coach of all time, PERIOD.

And THIS is his reaction to all of that. Man, he’s the best.

I would lose a staring contest against this understated sociopath in 4.3 seconds; maybe less.

The man is an absolute menace. But for whatever reason, I freakin’ love this menace.

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Josh McDaniels

via Patriots.com

Of course Josh McDaniels is a visor guy. He was born to be a visor guy.

Note: It’s in your best interest to never, ever be a visor guy. If you’re already a visor guy, stop being a visor guy.

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LeGarrette Blount

via Patriots.com

No two ways about it, this is just plain adorable.

Plus, Blount will always have a special place in this rundown thanks to the Matt Patricia sweatshirt from a few weeks ago.

I almost ordered this sweatshirt back when I first saw it and then had a change of heart thinking I might be jinxing myself into a Patriots Super Bowl win. Sweet. A lot of good that did.

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Martellus Bennett

via Patriots.com

You’re killin’ me, guys. The kids serve as the perfect shield to fend off any and ALL snark.

Thanks for nothing.

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Arthur Blank

Yeeeeeah, NO. Too early, Arthur. Way too early. Plus, true champions don’t celebrate touchdowns like this.

Great vest and cufflinks, though.

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LeSean McCoy

No, LeSean McCoy did not play in the Super Bowl. After all, he’s a member of the comically atrocious Buffalo Bills.

However, he wore this amazing leather jacket during pregame festivities and has thus earned the right to be here.

Want this jacket, need this jacket, must have this jacket.

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The Boston Police Department

Excellent perspective. Was this posted by a drunk college kid?

Get back to work, you insufferable dipshits.

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Bonus Round: Amazing Lance Stephenson Appearance

This. Is. Incredible.

Twitter is a god damn circus during big games and I can’t get enough.

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Great stuff as always, Skip.

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Seriously, it’s true.

Again, perfection is nearly possible to attain … unless you’re Joe Montana.

#BroMontana

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You would be hard-pressed to find a better catch than this, with the possible exception of the helmet catch.

But… “INCREDELMAN”?

Whoever came up with that one needs to punt themselves into a forgotten sea.

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Seriously love this photo. It’s creative and the confetti all over the place is a nice touch.

Still, the Patriots need to thank the Atlanta Falcons for the astoundingly gracious gift.

I can’t stress this enough.

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Speaking of creative, this is wonderful performance art.

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The leash was back! What an amazing way to end the season.

Tommy going for a leisurely walk on the leash will always and forever be a classic.

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Well, it’s been an absolute pleasure, guys.

See you all next season for more mockery and unrelenting asshattery.

Until then, be well and — most importantly — don’t dress like an asshole.

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Previously:

• Julian Edelman’s Beard Has Seized Control Of His Face
• DeAndre Hopkins Arrives From Catwalk Just In Time For Game
• We’re Really Going To Miss You, Sam Bradford
• Landon Collins’ Hair Wishes You A Very Merry Christmas
• Colin Kaepernick Honors Rogue One, Goes Full Jedi
• Cam Newton To Star In Golden Girls: The Movie
• Cam Newton Got Benched For Being Cam Newton
• Mariota’s Mustache Seizes Control Of NFL
• Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
• Antonio Brown’s Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
• Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
• The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
• Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
• Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
• Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
• J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shirt
• Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Barbershop Quartet
• Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Brady’s Absence
• Cam Newton Channels Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

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For more unapologetic honesty and thought-provoking life lessons, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the NFL podium, each of those installments can be found here.