The last article ever about LaVar Ball was published today

The last article ever about LaVar Ball was published today. In a rare moment of unity, a collection of newspapers, TV personalities, blogs, Twitter power users, and culture websites decided that it was time to stop.

An emergency Skype Summit of the “Council of Word People” convened at 3:00 a.m. EDT on May 18 to discuss LaVar Ball and how best to approach his existence. There were competing ideas. Among the most popular were “continuing stuff like usual,” “ramping up the takes,” “focusing on Lonzo,” and “ordering some takeout hot dogs, honey, do you want anything.” There were big names in each camp, many with significant personal investment in a certain direction.

Three hours into the call, with phone batteries dying and concentration melting into a dark goo, it seemed unlikely any consensus would be reached by the 7:00 a.m. deadline. That was when Jimmy Slammich of the popular blog “Bask-o-thought And Bread” ended a stressful silence simply offering, “What if we don’t? What if we just, you know, don’t?”

The tension seemed to abate instantly. The goo vaporized into the air with a metaphorical coconut smell. Executives who moments earlier were at each other’s necks with internet knives were suddenly smiling and sending each other chummy emojis like this one: 🐣

The rest of the meeting was invested working out the fine print. T’s needed crossing and I’s needed whatever it is they get. However, the final line items of Order 342101 – Ball’s Out were fairly straightforward. According to the official Survey Monkey tally, they were voted in unanimously (with three abstentions).

All LaVar articles, takes, and memes were to be submitted to the internet by 8 a.m., May 18
LaVar Ball would no longer be invited to speak on TV, on radio, in print, or via aerial advertising
In case of any actual news (which specifically eliminates “consequenceless acts of poor judgment, product announcements, boasts, and anything involving Tinder”) an emergency quorum could be called to allow a moratorium on the order for no longer than two (2) consecutive hours
The Council of Word People would reconvene May 25 to make any adjustments as needed

This is a significant ruling from the CWP. The last agreement without a “Nay” vote was 2002 when it was decided that Jimmy Eat World would not have to change their name to “Jimmy Eats World” to maintain grammatical integrity.

I approached Mr. Slammich for his thoughts on the landmark ruling. He had this to say:

"I was just tired of it – tired of the meeting, of hearing the word “ball” every other second, tired of everything. There was also a burgeoning hangover. I thought about quitting, but I couldn’t leave all this sick blogger money behind. It was then I realized it wasn’t just me who could quit. What if we all did? Luckily, everyone seemed to be on the same page. We all knew the clicks weren’t worth the time or the cost to our mental health. We just needed some collusion. But the good kind of collusion. Not the illegal kind. I don’t think this was illegal. Is it? Can you check? Can you edit this last part out?"

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For better or for worse, LaVar Ball had occupied significant acreage in the media landscape. At times his presence was bombastic. Other times it was basic. More often than not it was banal. But that time is over now, and there’s a ball-shaped hole to be filled. That’s just a circle, if you think about it, and most sports involve something circular in some fashion.

It’s kind of nice, you know? I think we’ll be okay. I think we’ll be all right.

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