What made baseball fun this week: Willson Contreras turns heel, one way ticket to Randyland

A coincidence, a repetition, whatever. I’m going to make baseball fun this week because MLB is still playing games, or so I’ve been told.

While your favorite NFL team drafted badly, your favorite MLB team kept playing games with us.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s happening. While Hansel looks to Richard Gere and Sting as major, major influences on him, I’m still trying to figure out what bark is made out of. Earth to Matilda, it’s probably made of wood! Until we get to a point where big leaguers are playing with bats made of bark, I guess I will have to be the one to entertain you In the Meantime.

In the end, we shall achieve in time something we will call define. It may prove to be a one-hit wonder, but I don’t want to close my eyes, fall asleep and miss a thing. Harry Stamper didn’t die in vain on some rock out there in The Great Beyond, far beyond my stooge doofus comprehension. I haven’t lost my mind like Andy Kauffman, but Hollywood put a Man on the Moon! Ask Jim Carrey.

So while we try to make sense out of nonsense, you’re allowed to have a little drinky poo. It’s time for a top-off, On a Friday, to get you into the slot. Just ’cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there. Two and two does not make five, but 6-4-3 does equal two outs. I did the math, but I’m not going to talk about it, as those evil Karma Police are watching. No Surprises, just good vibes.

I’m hungry for some Slightly Stoopid baseball content. So what do you got for us to eat, Dawg?

What most delicious segments are on the menu this week, Buhltron?!

1. Look good, feel good, play good
2. But what about the fans???
3. This. Is. Florida. Baseball!
4. The Dude of the Week, man

We’re going to talk about how you should dress to hang some drywall at the nearby McDonald’s, if you can bring a vat of spaghetti to the friendly confines, why Florida baseball is a type of baseball unlike anything else out there and why turning heel isn’t always the best course of action, especially when you have to face your rival, also known as your former employer. Here. We. Go!

Look good, feel good, play good: I know exactly what Andrew Chafin would do if he had a million dollars

Andrew Chafin of the Arizona Diamondbacks might already be a millionaire, but we know what he’s all about on his daily trip to the office. He’s not going to spend the whole day doing nothing or watching kung fu with Jennifer Aniston (although he should!). Chafin is going down to the local McDonald’s to hang some drywall. Or he might open his own Private Idaho Tae-Kwon-Do studio.

Dressed for success, or like Boston Connor, either way, it works. While you would never catch me dead wearing a pair of cargo shorts, I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t the worst idea for a Halloween costume I have ever had. I’ve been The Dude four years in a row, man. For whatever reason, I do think Crocs would feel better on my disgusting Hobbit feet than a pair of the clearest Jellies, man.

Like Indiana Jones, I don’t do snakes, but I subscribe to the notion of “Eat Happy, Not Healthy”. I’m the type of 30-something who says when he’s going to shock the pool, he is referring to spending $20 at Taco Bell well before the sun goes down. It may be the Hair of the Dawg, but now you’re messing with a sombtch. Love Hurts and Love Stinks, just like the Green Bay Packers quarterback.

I don’t know where my pieces of flair are, but sir, this is an Arby’s. How dare you make me work!

This. Is. Florida. Baseball! | The Dude of the Week, man