A sarcastic guide to helping MLB beat writers take perfect spring training photos

Spring training has finally arrived. Smell that? It's sod-caked dirt side fields. It's coconut-based suntan lotion melting off in the swelter of Florida and Arizona. It's a mass of sweaty bodies, autograph hounds from age 8 to 58 (mostly 58) coagulating in a pile, undulating through the cracks and crevices to hand their programs to Scott Barlow.

And, of course, it's a fleet of MLB beat writers from all 30 teams providing you with the absolute worst photographs and videos known to man.

Every spring, the game's best writers converge on Florida and Arizona, delivering quirky anecdotes about the last man on the roster, the camp battles no one saw coming, and the doom and gloom surrounding agitated stars. It's the best time of year for crafting narratives and building storylines to follow throughout the season. Even in the most dire scenarios, optimism reigns eternal. And that's why we're so drawn to every blurry photo snippet or video shot from a bird's nest across the highway. We just want to see our guys.

Now, after a Super Bowl dud and a season of snow, it's finally go time. Here's how baseball's scribes can make sure they're taking the perfect beat writer photo this spring. Not the perfect photo, of course. The perfect beat writer photo, in accordance with the genre.

Tips for taking the perfect MLB Beat Writer Photo/Video at 2025 spring training

Find the Angle: Every beat writer video of batting practice should be shot from a 70-degree angle behind the action. I don't want to see where the ball goes. I just want to hear the sound. You know those amazing videos of pitchers popping catchers mitts, filmed from directly behind the squatting backstop? These are not those. Zoom in on the pitcher's wrist, then briefly lose the subject entirely as you drop the phone. Close up on dirt. Close up on shoe. This process is Ansel Adams-adjacent.

Navigate Your Surroundings: How can you possibly maneuver your phone around the chain-link fence blocking the batting cage? Don't worry about it. You can't. Let us see the fence. Do whatever you have to do. Lie on the ground if necessary. Bend over the rope. Climb a tree. The most important part of any beat writer photo/video is that no one, even someone with intimate knowledge of the team's spring training complex, will ever be able to figure out where it was taken from.

What's the Largest Zoom Your Camera Phone Has? Double it. If it's not 12.4x, I don't want to see it.

Can We Get Some Sun Glare in There? If there's not a bright, yellowed spot in the corner of the frame, how am I supposed to tell the photo was taken in the sun-drenched climate of Arizona or Florida? If I see Chris Sale warming up without an ounce of lens flare, I'll be thinking to myself, "Is that Saskatoon?"

Is Scott Boras in the Photo? If yes, great. If not, take it again.

Here are a few subjects you'll need to capture by the end of camp. Consider it a scavenger hunt.

• The team's best player, smiling in sunglasses
• The team's worst player, staring at the hand that betrayed him (in sunglasses)
• The wettest 37-year-old relief pitcher you've ever seen
• Team president in a quarter-zip
• The team's best player from the 1970s, googling "Explain Kendrick-Drake beef" on his Motorola Razr
• Palm trees at the entrance
• Sad palm trees exiting camp, their bags packed for an uncertain future after being DFA'd
• The world's most C+ hotel breakfast
• The dunes out the window of your airplane
• Wait, zoom in ... is that the wettest 37-year-old relief pitcher you've ever seen running wind sprints on the tarmac?

Most of all, remember the three Bs of Beat Writer Photos: Blurry, Barely Visible, Best in the Business. Looking forward to seeing what you all come up with this year, and see you at the Pulitzers. Make sure to pay proper respects to last year's winner, "Corbin Burnes in Golf Cart (Obscured by Seat Back)".