Nuggets surprised Dario Šarić with a new coach and general manager for his birthday

Dear Super Dario,

We hope you are having a happy and normal birthday! You’re turning 31 this year. Most of us on the Denver Nuggets ownership team remember 31 as being a pretty uneventful year. Maybe a few millions lost, a few millions gained, maybe we started to choose or rank which children to include in the will, maybe we started really contemplating that one-handed backhand. The usual things you do once your 20s are truly behind you.

Outside of the simple necessities of 31, there’s not much to speak of. Just further committing to the process drilling down, down into the safest and thickest possible bunker in hopes of never being exposed to contagions like “active learning” or “societal responsibility.” Believe us. You can avoid them if you try. You just have to take precautions.

For example, you have to do at least one nice thing a year or your hands will start looking for an opportunity to choke you against your will. You start noticing signs of this right around the beginning of December.

I think we’re saying too much

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Anyway.

Dario, we’ve decided our one collective good deed this year was to give you a birthday present you’d never forget. We’ve known you for a while. We’ve given you multiple personality tests. You’ve confessed your DnD alignment. We gave you the thing you wanted above all else.

Anarchy.

There is no coach. There is no GM. There is nothing and nothing is everything. Light and darkness are one.

It’s everything you’ve ever wanted. It’s so cool!

How did we know what to get you?

Dario, if you’re not sitting down, we recommend you sit down.

We’re sorry if we are the first to tell you this, but, due to a recent presidential order, it is our duty as your employer to tell you that Santa Claus is not real. The letter you wrote this past December addressed to “The North Pole” was redirected to us by what used to be known as the USPS. (Or will soon not be known as the USPS. We’re in Denver. Sometimes the other oligarchs don’t let us know what you people know or what you people are supposed to know or when you’re supposed to know it before we start saying things that let you people know what us people know before us [by which I mean the Denver Us] people are supposed to tell you people. It makes sense, and it’s not our fault. Anyway keep this letter to yourself.)

Isn’t our LLM supposed to be better than theirs?

Anyway. Your message to Santa went to us. We were uniquely prepared to get you most things on your list. The Switch 2 is now way more expensive. Your laughing at people who eat eggs keeps getting funnier. And your one bathroom shouldn’t retain moisture as much any more.

But we wanted to save one special thing for your birthday. One passage of your letter stood out to us. It was when you wrote the lyrics to "Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2" over and over and over again. We took that to mean you needed a respite from rigid authoritarianism and decided to get rid of all authority!

This must be so fun for you.

Anyway, we need to try to be a regular NBA team again soon, so we hope you enjoy your birthday.

Your friends,

People who who hope you remember they're your friends.