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We have entered a new age of technology with AI. It's the bane of existence for every college professor and a genuine threat to a fragile film industry. It is also becoming increasingly prevalent in the sports world.
Daryl Morey, GM of the NBA's Philadelphia 76ers, recently revealed that he uses AI models as a factor in all roster decisions. While he may be the first front-office exec bold (dumb?) enough to admit it in a public forum, the Sixers are absolutely not alone here. It's another tool for analytics departments to process data and render calculations. If it helps win games and leads to positive results, as Morey claims it does, it will only become more widely used and more widely accepted.
If you, like me, are skeptical of letting AI determine employment status and shape business models, well, buckle in. It's going to happen. It's a mostly cheap and efficient way to cut corners and speed up these decision-making processes. Not all AI is generative and antithetical to the human spirit either. A lot of this equates to a superpowered calculator. It is what it is, I guess.
With MLB Opening Day upon us, fans will be filing into ballparks across the country, excited to support their teams for another 162-game grind. The ballpark is a staple of the MLB fan experience, even more so than in other sports. It's part of the mystique around the game. You grab a hot dog. You stretch in the seventh inning. There's a ritualistic tradition around going to the ballpark, often with friends or family, and enjoying America's pastime.
Some stadiums are better than others. Each has its own unique pros and cons. We asked ChatGPT to roast your favorite (and least favorite) team's home ballpark. Here are the results...
Roasting every ballpark with AI
- New York Yankees, Yankee Stadium
- Boston Red Sox, Fenway Park
- Tampa Bay Rays, Tropicana Field
- Toronto Blue Jays, Rogers Centre
- Baltimore Orioles, Camden Yards
- Cleveland Guardians, Progressive Field
- Kansas City Royals, Kauffman Stadium
- Detroit Tigers, Comerica Park
- Minnesota Twins, Target Field
- Chicago White Sox, Guaranteed Rate Field
- Houston Astros, Daikin Park
- Seattle Mariners, T-Mobile Park
- Texas Rangers, Globe Life Field
- Athletics, Sutter Health Park
- Los Angeles Angels, Angel Stadium
- Philadelphia Phillies, Citizens Bank Park
- Atlanta Braves, Truist Park
- New York Mets, Citi Field
- Washington Nationals, Nationals Park
- Miami Marlins, LoanDepot Park
- Milwaukee Brewers, American Family Field
- St. Louis Cardinals, Busch Stadium
- Chicago Cubs, Wrigley Field
- Cincinnati Reds, Great American Ballpark
- Pittsburgh Pirates, PNC Park
- Los Angeles Dodgers, Dodger Stadium
- San Diego Padres, Petco Park
- Arizona Diamondbacks, Chase Field
- San Francisco Giants, Oracle Park
- Colorado Rockies, Coors Field
New York Yankees, Yankee Stadium
"Oh, Yankee Stadium? You mean that overpriced, corporate behemoth that looks more like a high-end shopping mall than a ballpark? Yeah, that place. It’s like the Yankees saw Wrigley and Fenway and said, “Nah, let’s make ours feel like a bank lobby with a baseball field in the middle.
Let’s talk about the "atmosphere." Somehow, despite being home to one of the most historically dominant teams in sports, it still manages to feel as soulless as a waiting room at the DMV. The fans? Half of them are hedge fund bros who spend more time taking selfies in their premium seats than watching the game. The other half are tourists who heard “Yankees” in a Jay-Z song once and thought it would be fun to drop $20 on a beer.
And let’s not forget about those ticket prices. If you want a decent seat, you better be ready to sell a kidney. And if you somehow manage to afford a spot in the nosebleeds, congrats! You now get to watch the game from the next zip code while being charged stadium prices for a hot dog that tastes like regret."
ChatGPT has takes on the Legends Suite "nonsense," too.
Yankee Stadium is an iconic ballpark. For a team that didn't let its players grow beards until 2025, the whole DMV vibe honestly kind of works. The exterior, a very classic concrete monument in the middle of America's largest city, is a plus in my book. I appreciate the effort behind this roast, but honestly... it feels a little harsh. It's less shopping mall, more high-end Colosseum.
Boston Red Sox, Fenway Park
"Ah, Fenway Park—the baseball equivalent of your grandpa’s 100-year-old recliner: uncomfortable, falling apart, but too many people are emotionally attached to throw it out.
Let’s start with the seating situation. If you're over 5'7", congratulations, your knees are now permanently embedded in the back of the person in front of you. And if you’re lucky enough to snag a “prime” seat, there’s a good chance you’ll be sitting behind a steel support beam that blocks half the field. Enjoy paying premium prices for an obstructed view of Rafael Devers’ left ear!
And can we talk about the Green Monster? Yeah, cool, a giant wall in left field—very impressive. Except it’s just there to make up for the fact that Fenway has all the dimensions of a mini-golf course. One side is a glorified little league fence, the other side is a runway to Mars. You could hit a 315-foot popup for a homer in one spot, but launch a 420-foot bomb to center and get nothing but a flyout and disappointment. It’s like the ballpark was designed by someone using a broken protractor."
In its rather rambling response, ChatGPT refers to Boston fans as "New Yorkers who read more Dunkin’ menus than books," which did make me laugh. That's a good bit.
Fenway is a beautiful ballpark. One of the best in baseball in terms of pure spectacle and the richness of its history. That said, the seating situation is notoriously outdated, so the AI has done its homework.
You won't hear any Green Monster slander from me. Right field is short? I don't personally care. It has charm. And it's great for Boston's battalion of lefties.
Tampa Bay Rays, Tropicana Field
"Tropicana Field looks less like a baseball stadium and more like an abandoned Costco someone threw a field inside of. The place has all the charm of a hospital waiting room, with lighting that makes every game feel like it's being played inside a nuclear bunker.
The roof? A low-hanging disaster where pop-ups go to die, and the catwalks turn routine fly balls into science experiments. The turf? Feels like it was stolen from a mini-golf course. The atmosphere? Nonexistent, because Rays fans would rather do literally anything else than watch baseball in a glorified storage unit.
And let’s not forget the location—it’s in St. Petersburg, which is basically Florida’s way of saying, “Don’t bother showing up.” The best thing about Tropicana Field is that the Rays are trying to leave it. Honestly, a team this good deserves a stadium that doesn’t look like an indoor flea market."
This is the second time the AI has cited mini golf. Just taking note.
Tropicana Field is a notoriously poor fan experience, so it's hard to knock the mean spirit here. The St. Petersburg jab feels a bit out of place. I'll confess I've never been, but folks live there. It can't be so bad, right?
Tampa will notably be playing at a Yankees minor-league park this season after the Trop sustained hurricane damage.
Toronto Blue Jays, Rogers Centre
"Rogers Centre is what happens when someone tries to build a “futuristic” stadium in the ‘80s but forgets to add any personality. It’s a giant, lifeless concrete slab with all the charm of an airport hangar. The retractable roof is cool—until you realize it takes forever to open and half the time, they just leave it closed for no reason, turning the place into a humid tomb.
The turf? Feels like it was stolen from a local high school football field. The atmosphere? About as electric as a library study room, unless the Yankees or Red Sox are in town, then it’s just a sea of away fans drowning out the home crowd.
And don’t get me started on the “skyline view.” Oh wait, there isn’t one—just a bunch of sterile high-rises blocking out anything remotely scenic. It’s less of a ballpark and more of a concrete bunker with a baseball diamond inside."
The second straight time ChatGPT has said the turf "feels like it was stolen" from a lesser sports establishment. We need to spice it up a bit, the turf angle is getting tired.
I am also pushing back on the "concrete bunker" narrative. Toronto is a beautiful city. Skyscrapers have a certain grandeur to them. It's a nice spot!
Baltimore Orioles, Camden Yards
"Camden Yards is basically the hipster of ballparks—everyone swears it’s “iconic,” but let’s be real, it’s just an old stadium with a warehouse next to it. Oh wow, brick walls and retro vibes? Groundbreaking.
Orioles fans love to brag about their park like it’s some baseball cathedral, but half the time, the place is empty because the team spends years being a glorified Triple-A squad. And that new left-field wall? It’s like they tried to fix their home-run problem by turning left field into the Great Wall of Baltimore.
Sure, the food is solid, but that’s probably because O’s fans need something to distract them from watching their team finish fourth every year. At the end of the day, Camden is just a nice ballpark wasted on a team that’s spent most of this century getting dunked on by the Yankees and Red Sox."
The O's finished second last season. And first the year before that. We can retire the "man, this team sucks!" zinger, because it's not true anymore.
Camden Yards being an old stadium next a warehouse is the whole point. I am coming out in defense of the hipster ballpark. Few stadiums are higher on my personal visiting wishlist. Maybe we should be roasting Mike Elias instead.
Cleveland Guardians, Progressive Field
"Progressive Field? More like Regressive Field, because it feels like it’s stuck in the ‘90s, just like Cleveland sports misery. People call it a "hidden gem," which is just a polite way of saying, "No one actually talks about it."
The atmosphere? Completely dependent on whether the Guardians are remotely competitive—which, let’s be honest, isn’t often. Otherwise, it’s just an awkward mix of diehards who refuse to admit the Chief Wahoo days are over and casuals who showed up for the cheap beer.
And the stadium experience? Enjoy watching baseball in a place where half the upper deck is closed because ownership is too cheap to fill it. Hope you like gray concrete and mid-tier skyline views, because that's all you’re getting. At the end of the day, Progressive Field is just a “fine” stadium hosting a team that always finds new ways to let Cleveland down.
Ha, get it? Regressive Field?
Look, I've been to Cleveland's ballpark. It's quite nice. Sure, it's nothing special, but the views were nice, the food was top-notch, and the team — surprise, surprise — is quite good right now. If anything, the Guardians are a reprieve for tortured Cleveland fans, even if the World Series feels out of reach.
Kansas City Royals, Kauffman Stadium
"Kauffman Stadium is basically the nicest ballpark nobody cares about. Yeah, the fountains are cool, but let’s be honest—they’re just there to distract from the fact that the Royals have spent most of their existence getting dunked on by the rest of the league.
The atmosphere? Nonexistent, unless it’s Opening Day or they miraculously stumble into another World Series run once every 30 years. The rest of the time, it's just 10,000 diehards scattered across the seats like someone spilled a bag of Skittles.
And let’s talk location—nothing screams “major league baseball” like a stadium stranded in the middle of a giant parking lot off the interstate. Hope you like tailgating, because there’s literally nothing else to do.
At the end of the day, Kauffman is like a really nice backyard pool—it’s great when people actually show up, but most of the time, it’s just sitting there unused."
The fountains ARE cool, period. And yes, Kansas City does not always drum up the largest crowds, but there's something special about those 10,000 diehards showing up every game. Now, they're getting rewarded with Bobby Witt Jr.'s ascent.
The backyard pool bit is funny, but ChatGPT appears awfully committed to burying us in similes.
Detroit Tigers, Comerica Park
"Comerica Park is basically a theme park where the main attraction is disappointment. The giant tiger statues and carnival rides are cool, but maybe the team should focus on winning baseball games instead of giving fans a merry-go-round to distract them from another 100-loss season.
The atmosphere? Dead. Half the time, the only sound in the stadium is the echo of Miguel Cabrera nostalgia and a few sad fans mumbling, "Maybe next year." And let’s talk about those outfield dimensions—who designed this place, a sadistic pitcher? You need a rocket launcher to hit one out to center field.
And then there’s Detroit’s weather, because nothing says "great baseball experience" like freezing in April and melting in July. At the end of the day, Comerica is just a reminder that Tigers fans traded in the legendary Tiger Stadium for a bigger, shinier venue—only to watch their team collapse in HD."
ChatGPT is a year late with the 100 losses jab. Tarik Skubal and A.J. Hinch have the Tigers feeling exceedingly real, and the atmosphere around the ballpark took a noticeable step up in 2024 as a result. When Detroit is a contender, there are few more passionate and loud fanbases in baseball.
Yeah, Detroit is cold, but here's the thing — Detroit locals are used to it.
Minnesota Twins, Target Field
"Target Field is basically Minnesota in stadium form—nice, clean, and completely forgettable. It’s the ballpark equivalent of plain toast. Yeah, it’s got a decent skyline view, but good luck enjoying it when you’re either freezing in April or sweating through your shirt in July.
And let’s talk about playoff baseball—oh wait, we don’t have to, because the Twins never win in October. This place has hosted more heartbreak than a country music album. It’s like the stadium was specifically built to watch Minnesota teams collapse on the biggest stage.
The fans? Some of the nicest in baseball—because they’ve been conditioned to accept failure with a polite smile. And for all the praise about how “modern” it is, the place still can’t figure out a decent roof situation. Nothing like spending taxpayer money on a beautiful open-air stadium in a city that spends six months a year under a winter storm warning."
Again, yes, Minnesota is cold in April. It's Minnesota. Every ballpark has you sweating through your shirt in July. That's part of the experience.
Personally, it's hard to knock a nice, clean stadium with killer views. Target Field passes the basic test of fan enjoyment, even if the team could use a bit more success in October to rouse the masses.
Chicago White Sox, Guaranteed Rate Field
"Guaranteed Rate Field—because nothing screams excitement like a stadium named after a mortgage company. It’s like the White Sox looked at Wrigley Field and said, “Let’s do the opposite of that.”
The place has all the personality of an office park, surrounded by parking lots as far as the eye can see. The upper deck? So steep it feels like you need a Sherpa to reach your seat. And let’s be real, the only time this place has energy is when Cubs fans invade or when a brawl breaks out in the stands.
And for a team that loves to act like they’re the “gritty” alternative to the Cubs, their attendance is basically a witness protection program. The White Sox could be in first place, and half the stadium would still be empty. At the end of the day, Rate Field is a fine place to watch baseball—as long as you don’t mind watching bad baseball in silence."
Sure, let's kick the White Sox while they're down.
It's a tough time to be the less charismatic little brother on Southside. The Cubs have more glitz and an undeniably classic ballpark. You can't really say a bad thing about Wrigley, although I'm sure ChatGPT will do its best. Still, I have major respect for White Sox fans, and glitz isn't the only way to engender charm.
Wrigleyville feels a little bit like the CityWalk at Universal Studios in Orlando. It's neat in small doses, but the crowds and constant brand messaging run a bit stale. At least Guaranteed Rate Field feels like it's a part of Chicago proper.
Houston Astros, Daikin Park
"Daikin Park? Oh, you mean that minor league stadium so forgettable that even GPS struggles to find it? It’s got all the excitement of a community college football field, except with fewer fans. The most thrilling part of the experience is probably trying to find something decent to eat that doesn’t taste like it was cooked in 1997.
The atmosphere? More like a library with occasional cheering. And let’s be real—if you’re at Daikin Park, it’s probably because you had nothing better to do. It’s less of a ballpark and more of a polite suggestion that baseball might be happening nearby."
Okay, this just rings totally hollow to me. Houston's ballpark looks sick. It's unique, iconic, and the product has been elite for the last decade — with plenty of fans in attendance to support the perennially competitive Astros. I personally miss the hill in centerfield, but we all have to let go of fond childhood memories eventually.
Seattle Mariners, T-Mobile Park
"T-Mobile Park is basically Seattle in stadium form—pretty, expensive, and constantly overcast. Mariners fans love to hype it up like it’s some baseball paradise, but let’s be real: it’s just a retractable-roof stadium built for a team that spent two decades mastering disappointment.
Yeah, the food is good, but that’s probably because fans needed something to enjoy while watching the M’s miss the playoffs for 20 straight years. The roof? Cool, but it still lets in enough rain to remind you that you’re in Seattle. At the end of the day, it’s a nice ballpark wasted on historic mediocrity."
Just a note: this is the exact same first sentence structure as the Twins roast.
A lot of these roasts boil down to "fans love it, but. . ." Seattle has a cool park in a cool city. The rain is part of the Seattle experience, and you're in a dome when it hits, so it hardly detracts from the game. What does "it's just a retractable-roof stadium" even mean? Like, yeah. True.
Texas Rangers, Globe Life Field
"Globe Life Field looks less like a baseball stadium and more like a giant, soulless airplane hangar. It’s what happens when Texas tries to build a high-tech ballpark but forgets to add any actual charm.
The retractable roof is great for dodging the Texas heat, but it also makes every game feel like it’s being played inside a Costco. And let’s talk about that turf—nothing screams "elite baseball experience" like watching ground balls bounce like they’re on a mini-golf course.
For all the money they spent, the place somehow has zero personality. It’s big, it’s expensive, and it’s just… there."
Every ballpark is a soulless corporate monument built to mask the endless shame and disappointment of baseball fandom. Got it.
More retractable roof and turf complaints here. I guess natural grass and open-air stadiums are the only "real" way to enjoy baseball.
Athletics, Sutter Health Park
"Sutter Health Park? Oh, you mean Sacramento’s most expensive reminder that they don’t have a real MLB team. It’s a fine little minor league stadium if you enjoy watching future big-leaguers play in front of a crowd that’s mostly there for $2 beer night.
The atmosphere? Nonexistent, unless you count kids running around unsupervised while their parents pretend to care about baseball. And let’s be honest—if you’re at Sutter Health Park, it’s either because you got free tickets or you accidentally took a wrong turn looking for something actually entertaining to do in Sacramento."
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that ChatGPT isn't up to speed on the whole Athletics thing, because this was a prime opportunity to lay into baseball's most hated owner and most laughable organization.
At least this doesn't have to be "like a minor-league ballpark," it just is one. I'll take $2 beers and parents there for a night on the town, though. Sacramento feels like it gets a bad wrap. Have you seen Frances Ha? Beautiful.
Los Angeles Angels, Angel Stadium
"Angel Stadium is basically Disneyland for baseball—if Disneyland was outdated, overpriced, and had zero magic. It’s a relic from the ‘60s with all the charm of a half-empty strip mall. The big rock pile in center field? Cool, I guess, if you’re really into mediocre landscaping.
The fans? Half of them are just confused tourists who couldn’t get Dodgers tickets, and the other half spent the last decade watching Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani carry a team that still couldn’t make the playoffs. At the end of the day, Angel Stadium is just a giant concrete bowl hosting wasted talent."
I'm starting to think we won't get another roast as good as the "Boston fans are New Yorkers who read Dunkin' menus instead of books." I'm thinking we should consider hiring Ben Affleck and Matt Damon to write the National League jabs.
That said, specific players are mentioned here. That's practically a first. Angel Stadium, from a purely aesthetic perspective, ranks among the very best in baseball. One could argue it has more charm than Disneyland, and it's definitely less expensive. I mean, Disneyland "if" it was overpriced? What do you mean "if"?
Philadelphia Phillies, Citizens Bank Park
"Citizens Bank Park is basically a construction site with a baseball field in the middle. Sure, it has a nice view of the Philly skyline—if you squint past the industrial wasteland surrounding it. The stadium itself is fine, but let’s be real, the real show is in the stands, where Philly fans treat every game like a UFC event.
The best part of the experience? Watching someone in an overpriced Bryce Harper jersey get ejected by the third inning. The food is solid, but you better eat fast—because if the Phillies are losing, that cheesesteak might come flying past your head."
Philly fans suck! They're violent and loud! Really pulling out the greatest hits here. Citizens Bank Park does have that classic metropolitan feel, but c'mon... we want ballparks in the city. It's good to put your ballpark where it's accessible to fans, unlike other NL East teams.
Atlanta Braves, Truist Park
"Truist Park is what happens when a team ditches a perfectly fine stadium just to build The Most Generic Ballpark Ever™ in the middle of suburban nowhere. Braves fans love to hype it up, but let’s be honest—it’s just a baseball field attached to an outdoor shopping mall.
The atmosphere? Great, unless you’re stuck in Atlanta’s soul-crushing traffic trying to get there. And The Battery? Cool, if you enjoy paying major-league prices for minor-league entertainment.
At the end of the day, Truist Park is nice, but it feels more like a corporate event space that happens to have baseball nearby."
Okay, this is spot on. I'm an Atlanta native. I've been to a World Series game at Truist Park. It's a gorgeous setup, but ditching downtown for Cobb County remains the most cowardly cash-grab an ownership group has engineered in quite some time. The Battery is, yeah, basically a shopping mall. Nothing wrong with a good shopping mall, but the Braves sacrificed their soul when they left Turner Field.
New York Mets, Citi Field
"Citi Field is basically what happens when the Mets try to copy Ebbets Field but end up with a budget amusement park for disappointment. The stadium itself is nice, sure, but the team inside? That’s just a live-action tragic comedy.
The food is great—probably because Mets fans need something to distract them from watching their bullpen implode again. And the atmosphere? It’s electric… until the inevitable midseason collapse, when the boos start raining down harder than the overpriced beers.
At the end of the day, Citi Field is just a beautiful place to watch the Mets Mets things up."
Ugh. The stadium is nice, but!
Mets fans are a special breed. The food is notoriously great, and now there's a good baseball team with a committed front office to put a decent product on the field each season. Juan Soto may fall victim to the everlasting tragedy of Mets baseball, but honestly, let's give the team from Queens a bit of credit.
Washington Nationals, Nationals Park
"Nationals Park is the perfect stadium for Washington, D.C.—overpriced, underwhelming, and mostly full of people who showed up for the wrong reasons. The only real energy this place ever had was in 2019, and even then, half the crowd was probably still debating politics instead of watching the game.
The ballpark itself? Completely forgettable. No charm, no personality—just a giant concrete structure plopped next to some overpriced bars. And the fans? Half are tourists, the other half are still salty the team let Bryce Harper walk.
At the end of the day, it’s just a bland stadium for a team that’s back to irrelevance."
I am getting tired, but we press on in the name of entertainment...?
Sure, Nationals Park does feel of a piece with DC, which gets nothing but rave reviews from folks who actually visit or live there. It's fun to break out the politics jokes, and Bryce Harper is a strong buzzword, but come on. "It's overpriced!" "The fans don't really care!" We've heard this already.
Miami Marlins, LoanDepot Park
"LoanDepot Park is basically a tax-funded monument to empty seats. It’s got all the excitement of an abandoned shopping mall, because let’s be real—nobody goes to Marlins games.
They built a futuristic, retractable-roof stadium in Miami, yet somehow made it feel like a giant air-conditioned void. The home run sculpture? So bad they had to remove it, probably to stop fans from remembering how ridiculous this franchise is.
The atmosphere? Nonexistent. The only time this place has energy is when it’s filled with fans of the opposing team. It’s not a baseball stadium, it’s a climate-controlled afterthought.
Again, we've heard all this before, but the situation in Miami is pretty embarrassing. A lot has led to this point — a bottom-dwelling team with a deprived fanbase and a glitzy "monument to empty seats," as ChatGPT so eloquently puts it. Those folks deserve something better. At least Eury Perez is due back this season!
Milwaukee Brewers, American Family Field
"American Family Field? More like American Family Disappointment. It’s got a retractable roof, sure, but instead of feeling modern, the whole place just gives off "big metal barn" energy.
Brewers fans love to hype it up, but let’s be honest—this is just a tailgating venue with a baseball field attached. The best part of the experience is the sausage race, which says a lot about the on-field product.
And the atmosphere? Great when the team is good, but otherwise, it's just a bunch of people drowning their sorrows in overpriced beer. At the end of the day, it's a decent stadium carrying a franchise that refuses to spend money."
At least we can rest easily tonight knowing ChatGPT has a baseline understanding of the midwest experience.
The Brewers ballpark certainly isn't the most exciting, and yeah, it's tough to support a team with such cash-poor owners. But, Milwaukee fans are a dedicated bunch and the team has been good more often than not in recent years. It's a pleasant enough experience.
St. Louis Cardinals, Busch Stadium
"Busch Stadium is basically a baseball cathedral built for a fanbase that thinks they’re baseball’s Vatican. Yeah, the Arch view is nice, but that doesn’t change the fact that this place has all the personality of a corporate PowerPoint presentation.
Cardinals fans love to brag about their “Best Fans in Baseball” title, but let’s be real—it’s just a polite way of saying they’re baseball’s biggest know-it-alls. The atmosphere? Only electric when the team is winning; otherwise, it’s just a sea of red politely grumbling.
At the end of the day, Busch Stadium is a nice, boring ballpark for a nice, boring fanbase."
We actually ran this prompt a while back as a trial run. It referenced fans who "act like they personally hand-wrote the rulebook," rather than citing the "personality of a corporate PowerPoint presentation." It also dubbed Busch Stadium "baseball's Vatican City," rather than a cathedral. What range.
"Nice, borning fanbase" is a good zinger, though.
Chicago Cubs, Wrigley Field
"Wrigley Field is less of a baseball stadium and more of a historic landmark people pretend is charming. Yeah, the ivy-covered walls look nice—until you realize the rest of the stadium feels like it’s been held together by duct tape and nostalgia.
The seats? Uncomfortable. The bathrooms? A time-travel experience to 1914. The sightlines? Hope you enjoy staring at a support beam all game.
And Cubs fans? Half of them are just tourists who don’t even know the score. Wrigley is great for day drinking and Instagram pics, but if you actually care about watching baseball, good luck."
Better. You cannot sit here and tell me Wrigley isn't a true baseball landmark, but Wrigleyville does feel better suited to Instagram pics than enjoying the charms of a pro baseball team. Just speaking from experience.
Wrigley itself — the seating arrangements, the amenities — has been outdated and overly scrutinized for ages. It's an old stadium! It's not perfect, but as someone who's tired of seeing the same plastic house on every block nowadays, I'm okay with keeping something the way it's been for decades.
Cincinnati Reds, Great American Ballpark
"Great American Ball Park? More like Pretty Mediocre Ball Park. It’s got a nice view of the Ohio River, but that’s just a distraction from watching the Reds lose—again.
The place is rarely full because Reds fans know better than to waste their time on another rebuild. The dimensions are so hitter-friendly that routine fly balls turn into home runs, making every pitcher’s ERA skyrocket.
And let’s be real—the most exciting thing to happen here was Joey Votto’s personality. At the end of the day, it’s just a decent stadium hosting a team permanently stuck in baseball purgatory."
If you call your ballpark the "Great American Ballpark," you open yourself up to these jokes. Cincinnati suffers from Central Ohio Syndrome. It''s the midwest, it's all a little boring. Just as Ja'Marr Chase. Still, it's a nice stadium and Elly De La Cruz is the most electric athlete in the sport, so Cincy fans won't be stuck in baseball purgatory much longer.
Pittsburgh Pirates, PNC Park
"PNC Park is the most beautiful prison sentence in baseball. The skyline view is stunning, the river is picturesque… and then you remember the Pirates actually play here.
It’s basically a postcard with a baseball field attached, where Pittsburgh fans show up just to suffer through another 100-loss season. The stadium itself is great—too bad it’s wasted on an ownership group that treats payroll like a swear word.
The atmosphere? Dead by June, because the team is usually out of contention before the fireworks even start. PNC Park deserves a real baseball team, but instead, it got the Pirates."
Even ChatGPT can't actually roast PNC Park. It's the best stadium in baseball, located in a gorgeous part of a gorgeous city. It really does deserve a better team. So do the fans, who are suffering through another nothingburger offseason from Bob Nutting. Paul Skenes will do some wild stuff in PNC Park before his rookie contract expires. We can take solace in that fact.
Los Angeles Dodgers, Dodger Stadium
"Dodger Stadium is basically a giant parking lot with a baseball field in the middle. Yeah, the views are nice, but good luck enjoying them while sitting in two hours of traffic just to get in.
The food? Overpriced. The seats? Fading. The bathrooms? Hope you like waiting in line longer than a Game 7 ninth inning. And the fans? Half of them show up in the third inning and leave by the seventh.
Sure, the Dodgers win a lot, but nothing is more predictable than a playoff collapse. At the end of the day, it’s just Hollywood hype with a baseball team attached."
Not sure we can pull the postseason collapse card after the Dodgers literally won the World Series in 2024. But alas, it's worth a shot.
Dodger Stadium probably doesn't live up to the team it currently houses, but it's another classic. Fading seats is a non-issue for me. Again, old things can be old, there's nothing wrong with a bit of character. The lines are long because fans show up.
San Diego Padres, Petco Park
"Petco Park is basically a resort that accidentally has a baseball field in it. It’s got great food, beautiful weather, and amazing views—too bad the Padres play there.
San Diego fans love to hype it up, but let’s be honest—it’s mostly filled with transplants and tourists who just wanted something to do after the beach. The atmosphere? Electric—until the team inevitably underperforms and the crowd remembers they're lifelong Chargers fans in disguise.
At the end of the day, Petco Park is a fantastic place to hang out, drink beer, and watch other teams celebrate playoff wins."
Well... this is actually a pretty good one. San Diego's ballpark is beautiful, but the team's perpetual postseason flameouts are easy fodder for a roast session. It might be a little too soon for bring up the Chargers. That's a raw nerve.
Arizona Diamondbacks, Chase Field
"Chase Field is basically a giant air-conditioned excuse for baseball in the desert. The retractable roof is nice—because without it, you’d be watching the Diamondbacks melt into the turf.
The stadium itself? A massive concrete shoebox with zero personality. The swimming pool in right field? Cool, I guess—if you enjoy watching baseball while someone does cannonballs next to you.
And the atmosphere? Dead. Half the crowd is just snowbirds looking for shade, and the other half are fans of the visiting team. At the end of the day, Chase Field is just a giant dome keeping the disappointment cool."
ChatGPT continues its crusade against retractable roofs. We should probably take note in advance of the robot takeover. If you're looking for shelter amongst the debris of fallen society, make sure it's a real roof. God forbid if it retracts.
Arizona sure is toasty!
San Francisco Giants, Oracle Park
"Oracle Park is basically a tech startup disguised as a baseball stadium. Yeah, the bay views are gorgeous, but good luck enjoying them while paying $20 for a beer and $30 for avocado toast.
The famous McCovey Cove? Cool—except most of the home runs land in a kayaker’s lap because the Giants built a pitcher’s park where offense goes to die. The atmosphere? Nonexistent unless the Dodgers are in town.
And the fans? Half are diehards clinging to the glory days, the other half are tech bros who showed up for the Instagram clout. It’s a premium ballpark wasted on a fading dynasty."
I am all for dunking on San Francisco tech bros, but that particular line of criticism rings a bit hollow from... ChatGPT. Google, what is the most attended baseball stadium for Silicon Valley AI engineers?
Bringing up Dodgers fans is a good way to get Giants fans up in arms. But also, McCovey Cove is slander-proof. Few images are more ingrained in my young mind than Barry Bonds walloping a clump of leather into the ocean.
Colorado Rockies, Coors Field
"Coors Field is basically a launching pad with a baseball stadium attached. Yeah, the mountain views are nice, but they’re just a distraction from the fact that pitching in this place is a death sentence. Every game feels like a glorified home run derby, and the Rockies? They’re just here to provide batting practice for the rest of the league.
The atmosphere? Casual at best—half the crowd is just there for the craft beer and rooftop bar. And the team? Ownership treats winning like an optional hobby. At the end of the day, Coors Field is just baseball’s best place to pad your stats."
We've reached the end of the road. I'll admit, I find myself relieved.
Coors Field is indeed a pitching nightmare, and no, the mountain views aren't a distraction — they're half the reason to attend. Enjoying the glories of nature with a beer, a hot dog, and baseball? What more could you ask for?
More ownership jabs in the future, please. That is the root of most issues in MLB.