Ranking the worst Alex Bregman rumors: From Scott Boras leaks to never gonna happen

Oh ... oh my gosh. Gather 'round. Closer. Even closer. No, seriously, closer. I can take it. You won't believe the rumors I'm hearing about free agent third baseman Alex Bregman.

Or maybe he's a second baseman? Oooooh, that's one of the rumors! I can't wait for you to hear them.

Alright, here we go. Time for you to hear them. You've never heard them before, and you'll never hear them again. More than happy to take questions as you hear them. OK. Here come the rumors: Alex Bregman is drawing interest from the Chicago Cubs, Boston Red Sox and Detroit Tigers. There might even be a mystery team involved. That mystery team? It's the Cubs. There's even a chance it could be the Red Sox or Tigers. No one really knows!

What about his old team in Houston?

Very glad you asked that. Houston has the best rumors. The Astros cleared a chunk of their payroll by losing Kyle Tucker and Ryan Pressly. Jose Altuve said he'd move to left field to accommodate Bregman moving to second base. They recently increased their offer.

So they're getting him?

Oh, no, they're not even involved. Like, at all. Their GM just said they "lost" Bregman months ago.

O...kay? What else?

The offers currently being presented to Bregman range between four and six years. He'd like a seven-year offer, but unfortunately, "seven" is not a number between four and six.

Would he consider a shorter-term offer?

Absolutely not.

Got it. So he'll sign with whichever team offers him the largest offer?

Nope, he hates that team. All I can tell you about the offers is they might exist (or don't), they come from multiple teams (or don't), and that while the Cubs, Red Sox and Tigers are all prominently involved, they also might not be involved whatsoever. Oh, and Nolan Arenado's life depends on whether or not two of them are involved.

This is making me nauseous. I mean, I was already nauseous when we started talking, but now it's way worse.

Hmm. Are you sure that's my fault?

Yes.

Alright. Here, I think I can help.

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Ranking the worst Alex Bregman rumors: From Scott Boras leaks to never gonna happen

Direct from Boras: Bregman isn't interested in a short-term deal. Completely believable, and likely direct from the source. Unfortunately, it's now February, so it doesn't much matter what he's interested in any longer. It matters what's on the table. The longest-term offer is wink-wink, hint-hint, nudge-nudge, very much from the Toronto Blue Jays. Unless he wants to go there, he'll have to start getting used to the benefits of short-term flexibility. Which ...

Alex Bregman Isn't Interested in the Toronto Blue Jays: Buy this. Extremely buy this. If he was open to Toronto, it'd be done by now. It takes two to tango. The Blue Jays are tango'ing. Bregman is playing X-Box and shouting from the other room to turn down the tango music as he munches a Bugle.

The Red Sox Front Office Is Split on Bregman: This seems painfully true. Alex Cora wants him. He understands the intangible value of having Bregman. If Bregman ever acquiesces on a short-term deal, this would be the spot. He could bash doubles off the Green Monster for days, then cash out and head elsewhere like post-2010 Adrian Beltre. Still, Craig Breslow has an algorithm and John Henry has a budget. It would make perfect sense that these four parties are having trouble connecting.

The Chicago Cubs Front Office Is Split on Bregman: Do not understand this one! What's there to be split about? And don't say "Nico Hoerner". Stop saying "Nico Hoerner," why are you saying that? While the Red Sox have a puddle of prospects who need playing time and some position switches to consider, the Cubs don't have an overflow. Matt Shaw, Dansby Swanson, Bregman and Michael Busch could coexist nicely. Just give the man six years and stop "doing due diligence on win probability," which is the silliest stall tactic in the world.

It's "Wild" to Jeff Passan that the Yankees Aren't in on Bregman: It should be wild to a lot of people! But this connection, often theorized, will never be realized. This one's coming from Scott Boras' dream journal, but nowhere else. Hal Steinbrenner does a lot of "wild" things. He once tried medium salsa.

Did that answer your questions? Blink twice if "no," ha ha once if "yes"! Bregman will choose a team in the days or weeks to come, if not months. That team will be the Cubs, Red Sox or Tigers. Unless none of them choose him. He wants to sign with the highest bidder. No, not that bidder. Can someone else bid a little higher, please? Man, it's wild the Yankees aren't in on Bregma -- hey, where are you going? You didn't finish your soup.

Can I finish your soup?