The lessons of the Premier League’s final day

So ends another season of the Best League in the World™. Or at least the most entertaining league in the world. Or at very least a league in a world. What did we learn on Championship Sunday? Almost nothing, obviously, because Chelsea clinched the title a week and a half ago, Hull were the last club to be officially relegated last weekend and our only hope for some late drama in the top four race rested on already-relegated (and, more to the point, awful) Middlesbrough taking points off Liverpool at Anfield and already-on-vacation Watford beating Manchester City at Vicarage Road. Needless to say, Rudy Gestede is not the hero Arsenal fans hoped he might be.

But this is Championship Sunday, and lessons must be learned whether they’re there or not, so here’s a look, match by decreasingly meaningless match, at what the final day signaled for each team.

Southampton 0-1 Stoke

This was, unquestionably, the most pointless game of the weekend. The Saints, playing for the honor of finishing eighth, faced a Potters side that could have (and didn’t) moved up to 11th with a win. We didn’t learn anything about these two sides we didn’t know already, and what we knew already is that they’re in the very unenviable position of not knowing how (or not having the money) to make the jump from mid-table to, um, upper mid-table. Saints manager Claude Puel has, somewhat bizarrely, been under pressure in the second half of the season, but he deserves credit for guiding this team to eighth in his first season in charge, and that after another summer in which several key players left for wealthier pastures. Stoke, meanwhile, have regressed, but not even remotely enough to be worried about their future mid-table status. If they make a managerial change in the summer, the most convincing reason would be boredom with the status quo.

Manchester United 2-0 Crystal Palace

The only reason this match isn’t bottom is because it may very well have been Wayne Rooney’s last at Old Trafford. Everyone might hate him, but he’s had a hell of a career, whatever happens next. The match itself, and it’s implications for both sides, was best summed up by Jose Mourinho’s press conference, in which zero questions were asked and zero were answered before the Portuguese walked out the door. He didn’t even sit down. What is there to say? United’s season comes down to the Europa League final on Wednesday. Palace, meanwhile, are a lot worse than they should be, but if anyone’s going to drag them to the, let’s say, ninth-place position they rightly deserve, it’s surely Sam Allardyce.

Burnley 1-2 West Ham

This match was only marginally not the worst, and only because the Hammers had a chance to finish in the top half of the table (they didn’t). That wouldn’t exactly have been a banner achievement for a side that finished seventh last season, but it would have been a minor symbolic victory for Slaven Bilic at the end of what has been a grueling year. West Ham are in a very strange place right now. The squad isn’t bad or good or, outside of Manuel Lanzini, even interesting, which is good in the sense there’s obvious room for improvement but bad in the sense all of those things are bad. The Clarets have had an excellent campaign, and were never really in the relegation battle despite being heavily tipped for the drop ahead of the season. But Sean Dyche will be seriously concerned at his side’s away record. If not for a few big wins against the top six at home, they could well have gone down. That’s not a recipe for success long-term.

Swansea 2-1 West Brom

Swansea’s survival was confirmed last weekend, meaning this match against eighth- or ninth- or who cares-place West Brom was nothing if not pointless. But there was at least something of a celebratory vibe, as Swans fans got to revel in their great escape. Good for them. Paul Clement’s done an outstanding job since arriving halfway through the season, and the tiny club from South Wales can now begin preparations for their eighth consecutive season in the top flight, a wonderful achievement. But the past couple of seasons should also serve as a warning sign for a club that was until recently a model of consistency, commitment to exciting, attacking soccer and overall organizational competence. A good first step would be allowing Clement the time and space to do what he wants, and for the new owners to get the Supporters’ Trust back on side. As for West Brom, their 10th-place finish says it all, which is to say, nothing.

Hull 1-7 Tottenham

This was pretty stupid all-around, as two teams who could move neither up nor down in the table decided to run around for 90 minutes anyway. Harry Kane used the occasion to pad his scoring stats, ultimately winning the Golden Boot with 29 goals instead of 26. If there’s any lesson here it’s probably in a comparison to Tottenham’s response to missing out on the title last season. Then, Spurs imploded after Leicester’s win was confirmed, losing their last two matches (one of them 5-1 to relegated Newcastle) and ultimately finishing third. This year, they’ve won three out of three (by a combined score of 15-3) since Chelsea clinched the title. Hull were battered, somewhat understandably, after their valiant attempt to avoid the drop failed last weekend. The fans and players deserve better from their owner. It’s unlikely they’ll get it.

Leicester 1-1 Bournemouth

This match gets a bump because Bournemouth were hoping to finish in the top half of the Premier League table for the first time ever. And they succeeded. Eddie Howe was the toast of the league last season (one of the toasts, anyway), so much so that he was widely touted as a possible successor to Sam Allardyce when the latter was entrapped out of the England job late last year. This season hasn’t gone quite as smoothly for Howe. Some were even beginning to question his managerial chops as the Cherries slid toward the drop zone after four consecutive losses across January and February, but he’s rallied his team excellently. For a club whose stadium holds fewer than 12,000 people, ninth place really is an impressive finish. The next step for Howe, who seems likely to move on to bigger things soon, will be to prove himself in the transfer market after a highly unconvincing last summer window. Leicester’s reign as champions is over, to no one’s particular surprise. Strangely, they may find it harder to hold onto the likes of Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez this year than they did last. They’ll also need to decide whether Craig Shakespeare’s their man long-term. My money’s on no.

Chelsea 5-1 Sunderland

Top vs. bottom on the last day of the season. How appropriate. The poster-child of pointlessness. But there were some things to care about here, like Chelsea’s attempt to win their 30th match of the season, a new record, which would have taken them (and did) onto 93 points, the second most in history. And then there was John Terry’s ridiculously self-indulgent sendoff. Antonio Conte gave him the start, one final chance to lead the Blues out at Stamford Bridge, before taking him off in the 26th minute (JT wears number 26). Apparently the whole thing was Terry’s idea. Even Sunderland manager David Moyes was in on it. That’s no-brainer man- and fan-management from Conte, but the whole thing was gross. If you must do this sort of thing to yourself, John, get a room. A Sunderland player other than Jermain Defoe scored a goal, which is something, but it was also, obviously, meaningless, and the team fell apart after Willian’s equalizer. Moyes’ future is the first problem for the Black Cats in a summer they better hope is full of solutions.

Watford 0-5 Manchester City

City only needed a point to ensure their place in the top four, and they wrapped up all three within a half hour. This has been, by all accounts, including his own, a disappointing first season for Pep Guardiola, but City really aren’t far off. A few too many draws and some bad/possibly unfortunate (looking at you, Kyle Walker) results against the rest of the top six were the difference between a comfortable third-place finish and a title challenge. At their best, the Citizens are the most lethal attacking side in the league. Another transfer window and another preseason with Guardiola, and this team should be challenging next year. Watford said goodbye to Walter Mazzarri the only way they know how, weirdly, and after one, perfectly adequate season. What a strange club. They finished 17th, despite not being in the relegation battle literally at all, a true testament to the way a total lack of anything to play for (including a manager) can impact a team’s performances. Will it be interesting to find out who the new manager is? No, not really. He’ll be gone in a year.

Arsenal 3-1 Everton

Arsenal have had the same season they’ve had for the past 12 years: good beginning, bad middle, good end. Their 75 points would have been good for at least third place in more than half of the 13 seasons since they last won the title (including this one), and good for fourth in all but three. This team have gotten neither better nor worse, and that will likely continue to be true for as long as Arsene Wenger sticks around. Their early goal took most of the excitement out of the match, which wasn’t great to begin with against an Everton team who were guaranteed to finish seventh and (not that this affected them, but) knew winning would hand their fiercest rivals a spot in the Champions League. Laurent Koscielny’s red card means he will miss the FA Cup final, while Gabriel is a doubt with injury. That’s not great news, but again: this side will get neither better nor worse for as long as Wenger’s around.

Liverpool 3-0 Middlesbrough

City needed a result to guarantee their place in the top four, but Liverpool were the only ones whose position was ever really in doubt. After a nervy first 44 minutes, this was in the end as comfortable a win as the Reds have enjoyed all season. They’ve won 16 more points than they did last term, an impressive achievement for a squad that’s only two injuries away from disaster at all times. Those injuries cost them most notably during an awful first month of the calendar year, when a run of three draws and two losses saw Jurgen Klopp’s side fall out of the title race and into the race for the top four. They were actually pretty good in the run in — they averaged 2.14 points over their last 14 matches, which would have been good for third place over a full season — and were winning ugly, something they’ve regularly been criticized for not being able to do. They made it more exciting than it needed to be, which is to be expected of a Liverpool team, but they got there in the end, and are now reportedly preparing for a record-breaking summer in the transfer market. Middlesbrough, I fear, will come to regret sacking Aitor Karanka. He may not have saved them from the drop this season, but would have been well-placed to bring them straight back up, and would have learned a lot from his failures in the top flight this time around. There’s no such cause for optimism now.