Fansided

NFL helmet rankings so accurate they’ll melt your face

By Patrick Allen

(Photo credit should read TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP via Getty Images)
(Photo credit should read TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP via Getty Images) /
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There are no sports being played right now so we ranked every NFL helmet to make some of you happy and the rest of you mad.

I’m not sure if you noticed but there are no sports being played right now.

As a result, it’s pretty rough times in the sports media industry. We’re digging DEEP into our bag of tricks to try and keep you all entertained long enough to ride this nightmare out. We’re cranking lists and rankings. We’re covering marble races. We’ve all had to swallow our pride and stop making fun of e-sports.

Or is it E-sports? Esports? eSports? I don’t care.

What are we doing here, again? Oh, yeah. Right. Helmet rankings. I fully realize I’m not the first person to ever rank NFL helmets. Hell, I’m probably not the first person to rank NFL helmets TODAY.

But you know what? I have a platform and I’m going to use it. Some of you will agree with me. Many, many more of you will not. Be sure to let me know how mad you are in the comments section because Internet comments sections are the closest we’re going to get to hockey fights for a little while.

The great thing here is that I can’t be wrong because this is my own list. Just be careful, though. These rankings are so perfect they can have a similar effect to what happened to those nazis in Indiana Jones opening of the Ark of the Covenant.

via GIPHY

Let’s get started.

LANDOVER, MD – DECEMBER 22: A Washington Redskins helmet is seen on the field before the game between the Washington Redskins and the New York Giants at FedExField on December 22, 2019 in Landover, Maryland. (Photo by Scott Taetsch/Getty Images)
LANDOVER, MD – DECEMBER 22: A Washington Redskins helmet is seen on the field before the game between the Washington Redskins and the New York Giants at FedExField on December 22, 2019 in Landover, Maryland. (Photo by Scott Taetsch/Getty Images) /

32. Washington Redskins

I mean, you know why. Don’t @ me.

TAMPA, FL – DECEMBER 21: A general view of the Houston Texans Helmet on the field before the game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Raymond James Stadium on December 21, 2019 in Tampa, Florida. The Texans defeated the Buccaneers 23 to 20. (Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images)
TAMPA, FL – DECEMBER 21: A general view of the Houston Texans Helmet on the field before the game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Raymond James Stadium on December 21, 2019 in Tampa, Florida. The Texans defeated the Buccaneers 23 to 20. (Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images) /

31: Houston Texans

The Houston Texans helmet looks like a BBQ sauce logo. It also doesn’t help that the Texans helmet will always be compared (by me) to the greatest NFL helmet of all time, which belonged to the Houston Oilers. The Texans should change their logo to Bill O’Brien making a confused face. It would be funny and way more accurate.

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – DECEMBER 15: A helmet of the Tennessee Titans rests on the sideline during a game against the Houston Texans at Nissan Stadium on December 15, 2019 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Frederick Breedon/Getty Images)
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – DECEMBER 15: A helmet of the Tennessee Titans rests on the sideline during a game against the Houston Texans at Nissan Stadium on December 15, 2019 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Frederick Breedon/Getty Images) /

30. Tennessee Titans

What the hell even is this? It’s like they have five different ideas for this logo and just decided to keep them all. How they landed on a circle that is on fire with blue flames, I’ll never know. This team went from having the NFL’s best helmet to one of the worst. They should have stayed the Oilers.

OAKLAND, CA – DECEMBER 06: Denver Broncos helmets sit on the bench during their game against the Oakland Raiders at O.co Coliseum on December 6, 2012 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
OAKLAND, CA – DECEMBER 06: Denver Broncos helmets sit on the bench during their game against the Oakland Raiders at O.co Coliseum on December 6, 2012 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images) /

29. Denver Broncos

This thing is hideous. You know what wasn’t hideous? The old school Broncos helmet with the capital “D” and the horse in the middle. Bring them back, please.

ATLANTA, GA – DECEMBER 22: A Jacksonville Jaguars helmet is seen during a game against the Atlanta Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium on December 22, 2019 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images)
ATLANTA, GA – DECEMBER 22: A Jacksonville Jaguars helmet is seen during a game against the Atlanta Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium on December 22, 2019 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images) /

28. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars helmet feels like one of those fake expansion team logos you get in Madden Franchise Mode. Unfortunately, the Jags are a real-life expansion team that still hasn’t gotten its logo right. Love the uniform colors, hate the helmet decal.

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