NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady Admonishes Buttons In Triumphant Return

The NFL postgame podium has become one of the most opportunistic platforms for players, and even coaches, to expand that all-important personal brand.

Since the players are basically forced to stand up there and answer a series of mostly redundant questions — this remains the gold standard — it makes sense for NFL stars to use that moment as a ripe opportunity to style and profile like the Nature Boy to get fans talking and attract potential endorsements from across the globe.

Sadly, we’re all still waiting for some brave soul to take it to this remarkable level of intensity and showmanship:

But make no mistake about it, this flashy rundown of styles includes all walks of life, like fat guys and forward-thinking trailblazers like Andrew Luck who clearly don’t give a shit, and never WILL give a shit.

As we’ve come to learn all too well over the years, sometimes the ensemble works.

And sometimes it most certainly does NOT:

*****MISSING IN ACTION*****

The Week 5 BYE has savagely denied us the privilege of watching Blake Bortles play with his ear wax — no, seriously — while adorned in standard issued Jags gear, along with fellow fashionistas in Drew Brees and PGA Tour approved, Alex Smith.

Oh, and Russell Wilson also took the week off from owning you with his legitimately fierce suit collection.

*****

As for those who did take the field this week, these are their stories…

Blaine Gabbert

via 49ers.com

We’ll call this one “unprepared and a step too late,” a symbolic visual that aptly summarizes the incredibly perplexing 1-4 San Francisco 49ers.

*****

Tom Brady

In short, screw buttons, screw Roger Goodell, screw the entire the NFL, and for that matter — screw you.

Sir Thomas is back with a vengeance and it’s quite obvious, again, that the fashion crown stays in New England until he states otherwise.

This is Tom Brady’s non-verbal way of saying Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth.

*****

Drew Stanton

via AZCardinals.com

I never have a problem with the casual approach, but Drew Stanton looks like a Republican senator calmly answering questions about Donald Trump while internally cursing himself out.

That haircut was born for a navy blue blazer and a pair of freshly pressed Dockers.

*****

Le’Veon Bell

In the same week that saw the release of the Air McFlys, Le’Veon Bell showed up to the podium wearing a suped-up Ghostbusters Proton Pack while pretending he was riding a rollercoaster. The 80s are officially back.

If ya’ don’t know, now ya’ know.

*****

Aaron Rodgers

Yes, Aaron Rodgers is still a little lost and went back to his safe place in channeling Fonzie, but it’s a very modernized version of Arthur Fonzarelli.

But let’s cut the bullshit: That’s an amazing leather jacket that costs more than your car and any of us would proudly wear that masterpiece in a heartbeat.

*****

Carson Wentz

Carson Wentz keeps upping the ante each week, as he has now added trendy glasses to his ever-growing repertoire.

Next Sunday, the people demand a cashmere scarf that elegantly wraps around his neck at least three times.

*****

Rontez Miles

via NYJets.com

Jets safety Rontez Miles pulled the always subtle “make sure you see my watch” move. Anyone who has found themselves in love with their watch has pulled this move before in some capacity. You fiddle with your sleeve like something’s out of place, but you’re really just showcasing the new bling.

*****

Tyrod Taylor

Nothing needs to be said other than to remind everyone that Ty-Smooth is the truth.

*****

Case Keenum

via TheRams.com

Case Keenum looks like a happy-go-lucky member of the church choir. The Rams are in trouble.

*****

Connor Hamlett

via ClevelandBrowns.com

Connor Hamlett, a Browns tight end who caught a touchdown pass or a handcuffed fan who ran on the field and got treated to a quick interview before being hauled off the to jail?

I honestly don’t know.

*****

Charlie Whitehurst

The biggest crime in Week 5 was the absence of Charlie Whitehurst at the podium. Going 14-of-24 for 182 yards and a TD in emergency work for the Browns wasn’t enough?

Whatever. The glamor shot above certainly makes up for it.

To be perfectly honest, Clipboard Jesus should consider going back to eating strawberries on a yacht and celebrating great hair days until he’s shown proper respect.

*****

Sam Bradford

AGAIN? OK, we get it. It’s a lucky suit. But I firmly stand behind the sentiment that under no circumstances are you to trust a man who wears the same outfit for four consecutive weeks.

*****

Andrew Luck

In a move that I consider to be somewhat breaking news, Andrew Luck actually wiped the ocean of sweat off his face before strolling up to the podium. Baby steps, I know, but these are steps.

Having said that, I strongly believe Luck should be fined and possibly suspended for meeting the media with an erect nipple.

Disgraceful act.

*****

Cordarrelle Patterson

By season’s end, Vikings WR Cordarrelle Patterson just might be the guy sitting on the throne when it’s all said and done. The “CP” gold chain took it to another level this week and his hair remains majestic.

Give this man a podium. And make it snappy.

*****

Bill Belichick

Woah, that tie. Did Bill Belichick mistakenly grab that monstrosity from big Nate Solder’s locker?

Let’s take a closer look.

We should all know by now that when The Bill goes in for the kill — even it’s an in-your-face fabric kill — he brings the pain.

*****

Brock Osweiler

This photo was taken at the exact moment Brock Osweiler was notified by a reporter that he was not, in fact, attending a late May wedding in Cape Cod.

You live, you learn.

*****

Ben Roethlisberger

This Big Ben creep factor is off the charts here, so much so that it warranted replacing the actual Big Ben in today’s roundup. Going with a plaid button-down was the perfect cherry on top.

Who knows, maybe it was Big Ben.

*****

Larry Fitzgerald

via AZCardinals.com

It was a problem last year and it’s a problem this year: Larry Fitzgerald’s tie keeps juking itself.

*****

Andrew Hawkins

via ClevelandBrowns.com

Who is Andrew Hawkins, one might ask? Andrew Hawkins happens to be the 5’7 hero who followed the rules of The Shield, which means to — above all else — show absolutely nothing even if it means everything.

A job well done on this superb robotic display, sir.

As for the outfit, I would absolutely wear this exact getup and my friends would hate it. Which is to say, an A+ effort.

*****

Kirk Cousins

There’s no two ways about it, Kirk Cousins took full advantage of seasoned suit assassin Russell Wilson having the week off and just dominated at the podium.

*****

Morgan Fox

via TheRams.com

This looks like a behind the scenes moment from one of those deodorant commercials where they didn’t shell out enough money for the player to wear a jersey with an official team logo on it.

Morgan Fox would be wise to fire that sucker through a starved paper shredder.

*****

Michael Phelps & Ray Lewis?

[Insert Abundance Of Jokes Regarding Legal “Mishaps” Here]

But I must say, Michael Phelps experienced a tremendous hair day in Baltimore.

*****

Anthony Barr

Vikings linebacker Anthony Barr with the old school Raptors jersey? This is outstanding work.

*****

Everson Griffen

And then Vikings defensive end Everson Griffen follows with a classic Raptor hat?

Words, I am without. Too busy applauding.

*****

Hue Jackson

via ClevelandBrowns.com

God, I love the Browns.

*****

Brandon Marshall

This dude is always looking smooth. Whether it’s a simplistic approach or going all out — like this dominant moment in fashion history — Brandon Marshall always pulls it off exceedingly well.

*****

Bruce Arians

via @AZCardinals

Bruce Arians is due for a nod thanks to what’s become his signature look. It’s gotten to the point where I never want to see Bruce Arians without those glasses and his Kangol hat of the day.

*****

Marcus Cromartie

The best fashion statement of the week goes to Niners cornerback, Marcus Cromartie. Gotta love the mom love.

Sadly, Cromartie’s tweet also doubles as the most exciting 49ers moment in over a year.

*****

Kyle Rudolph

This week’s “Happy Easter In October” award goes to Kyle Rudolph. I’m guessing he received several glowing compliments at some uppity brunch.

But alas, it seems that I’m an inconsiderate prick, because he did this for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Well done, Kyle.

*****

Matt Forte

via NYJets.com

You too, Matt. Excellent.

*****

Bonus Round: Worst Dueling Patterns Award

I would like an official apology from NBC and an additional apology from the stylist who gave the green light on these two patterns ever meeting one another.

Own up, say you’re sorry, and make this easier for all of us. Because everyone is pissed.

*****

Previously: Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

*****

For more breaking news, sizzling takes, and utter ass-hattery, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found here.

Add us as a preferred source on Google

Follow