Fansided

The Thunder did not watch basketball last night

By Matt Rutkowski

Sep 23, 2016; Oklahoma City, OK, USA; Oklahoma City Thunder center Steven Adams (12) poses for portraits during Oklahoma City Thunder media day at Chesapeake Energy Arena. Mandatory Credit: Mark D. Smith-USA TODAY Sports
Sep 23, 2016; Oklahoma City, OK, USA; Oklahoma City Thunder center Steven Adams (12) poses for portraits during Oklahoma City Thunder media day at Chesapeake Energy Arena. Mandatory Credit: Mark D. Smith-USA TODAY Sports /
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Yesterday, in case you missed it, was the beginning of the NBA regular season. Things happened, believe you me. Tim Duncan proved he was holding the Spurs back all those years. Kevin Durant proved that his presence is going to tear the Warriors out from the inside. Rodney Hood made a rim feel pain. LeBron James got one of those triple-double things. There was all sorts of sports happening for hours and hours. Steven Adams didn’t play, but he was watching.

To be clear, he was watching cartoons. That sentence might annoy people who would respond by saying “anime isn’t just ‘cartoons,’ loser”, but those people are worth annoying, so it’s okay.

There are various animes out there, to my knowledge. There’s Sailor Moon and at least three more. Basketball and Dragon Ball Z both have the word “ball” in their names, so let’s assume Steven Adams was watching Dragon Ball Z. Dragons are intimidating and so are kiwis. That coarse outer shell could kill a man.

But not everyone on the Warriors was watching Yamcha die for the 14th time. Russell Westbrook had his own way of killing time. This one also didn’t involve watching basketball.

Or checking the scores. Or watching baseball. He was doing something we “probably don’t want to hear about.” This means I definitely want to hear about it. I assume “Dove soap” is code for “repressed anger and an aimless, seething desire to exterminate,” but there were no follow-up questions to that effect. As in most cases, I will assume I’m right.

So let’s make more assumptions. Enes Kanter did not get asked about his activities. He was probably contemplating moustaches. Which ones frame the philtrum best? This is subjective.

Nazr Mohammed was likely complaining about millenials. He’s old, you see, and that makes him default to the state of curmudgeon. As a millenial myself, I know everything. I know this happened. I just know it.

Victor Oladipo was probably watching the basketball games. That’s boring, so we move on.

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Kyle Singler was watching highlights of his time in Detroit and saying to himself, “wow, that Singler guy is good. What happened to him?” before sobbing into a paper towel.

So who won the night? The Spurs, anime, or the absence of basketball? This is a tough question to answer, we will ignore it.

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