NFL Draft 2013: Dion Jordan to Miami Dolphins is a Disappointment

The Dolphins? The Dolphins?! I’m sorry, but Dion Jordan deserves better. I was hoping he’d be reunited with Chip Kelly in Philadelphia, but alas the Wheel of Fortune (not the show hosted by Pat Sajak but the one that consulted Boethius) placed him with Miami, a team that hasn’t been good since Stanley Kubrik faked the footage of their 1972 undefeated season using the skills he gained falsifying the Moon landing. I’d say Jordan’s career may be dead in the water from the get-go, but that just seems crass considering the insidious industry based on dolphin hunting. Still, that football team is awful.

Look, I can count the number of cool things about the Miami Dolphins on one hand. There’s the fact Ricky Williams, hero to introverts everywhere, played for them. There’s that time in 2009 when Ted Ginn Jr. returned back-to-back kickoffs for touchdowns against the Jets (hashtag: LOLJets. Am I doing that right?). There’s also the undeniable influence Miami had on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. And that’s it. (I only have three fingers on this hand. Never play patty-cake around a table saw, kids, because some bully may see you and call you a girl and push you into said table saw.) Besides those three things, the Miami Dolphins are little more than a hideous horde of sea-murderers with about as much chance of winning a Super Bowl as Ke$ha has of becoming anything besides an embarrassing pop-culture footnote that most people would rather have amnesia than remember.

Of course, you can’t talk about the Dolphins without bringing up those new uniforms. I wouldn’t be surprised if the CIA painted the walls of prisoners’ cells with that torturous shade of turquoise in order to reduce the captives to an infantile state. Seriously, it’s an affront to my ocular capacities. They had months to deliberate and that was the best they could produce? The uniforms are ghastly. I’m so glad they spent millions of dollars on a rebranding effort based around the color of Sulley from Monsters Inc.’s diarrhea. That will certainly pack Sun Life Stadium with the youths.

More importantly, dolphins are horrible creatures. For some reason, though, they’re inexplicably adored by the masses. What’s with that? Dolphins kill, according to a certainly credible site on the Internet, almost forty people per year! That’s about as many as Ebola! Also, there was that King of the Hill episode where the dolphin takes advantage of Hank sexually, which, if you recall, really enhanced national awareness about the prevalence of dolphin-on-man sex crimes. Have people forgotten that? Dolphins are, scientifically speaking, predators; has nobody learned anything from Chris Hansen? They’re dangerous and potentially sadistic animals, and we should be fine-tuning our tuna-net tactics, not allowing those bastards space in our hearts. (I know I implied earlier that illegally killing dolphins was bad, but I was more referring to the illegality of the act than the morality of killing those abhorrent monsters. Let’s just legalize dolphin droning. They don’t have Constitutional rights.)

In the end, all I can do is wish the best for Mr. Dion Jordan. It was a pleasure watching him wreck havoc for Nike University of California at Eugene and I hope he decapitates or at least grievously wounds Tony Romo on the opening play of their preseason game. As for the Miami Dolphins, I hope they capitalize on the amazing specimen they just drafted. If they aren’t in the playoffs within at least two seasons, I’m going to have to drive down there and engage in some Ray Finkle treachery. Don’t think I won’t. I’ve got my tuna net and my collection of plastic six-pack rings ready to go. (Also, y’all should look for a solution at quaterback not named “Ryan Tannehill.” I’d go with “Anyone Else.”)