Patriots fans chipping in to pay New England’s Deflategate fine is a new low
By Staff
A group New England Patriots fans banding together to try to raise money to pay off the one-million dollar fine levied by the NFL against the Patriots for the Deflategate scandal is the latest low in a long and never-ending stupidity parade.
On May 11th, Michael J Whitman set up a GoFundMe page titled “Paying the bill of the PATRIOTS.” The page’s message states:
"We obviously know we won’t reach One Million Dollars, however we do believe the fine is bulls**t and want to help anyway we can. So whatever is donated will be donated to the New England Patriots in help with the fine! As we venture with this, we will do frequent updates to show progression of this! If enough is made to make the travel, we will fly down there (on our own expenses) and deliver a check in person!"
As of this writing, these fans have raised $1,210 of actual money. One guy donated $500. We’re not going to release his name out of respect for his family and friends that may want to disassociate themselves from him after learning this.
(Video contains swearing)
Deflategate is perhaps the stupidest NFL controversy of all-time.
Can we all stand back and take an honest look at this unprecedented shit-show?
By now, you all know the story. Patriots QB Tom Brady “allegedly,”for whatever moronic reason, encouraged, coerced, or straight up demanded that one or more low-level Patriots equipment handlers secretly deflate footballs to a level not allowed by the NFL. We guess Brady just likes his balls a little softer. That’d be just fine of course, if they weren’t too soft for the NFL’s rulebook.
The hell of it all is, as many Patriots apologists are happy to point out over and over again on talk radio and Internet message boards across our great land, Tommy has shown that he can play football just as well with legally inflated balls as he can with illegally inflated balls.
Which clearly makes the fact that Deflategate even happened in the first place all the more ridiculous.
We’re not really surprised. This entire ordeal has been one big, long line of stupid from the beginning. Frankly, we here at FanSided are just a wee bit frightened of where this Deflategate mess might go without some sort of divine intervention. It’s like a pyramid scheme of idiocy that damn well could lead the end of days. Not the terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger movie “End of Days” but the actual existence of our species.
(More swearing)
Let’s take a look at how this thing has gotten progressively worse.
1. The Patriots got busted for having deflated balls.
2. The Patriots, especially Tom Brady, denied knowing anything about deflated balls.
3. An actual investigation was launched by the NFL.
4. Brady refused to cooperate with the investigation or to turn over his text messages.
5. This investigation actually took months to complete.
6. The investigations proved that two Patriots employees, one of whom called himself “The Deflater” had extensive text message conversations about Tom Brady, needles, balls and what appeared to be possible bribery.
7. Countless windbag TV talking heads actually tried, with straight faces, to say the report was not conclusive enough.
8. Brady’s agent and Patriots owner Robert Kraft actually had the guts to be indignant about the discipline handed down by the NFL on Monday.
9. Some Patriots fans, not happy enough with countless Super Bowl Championships that will never be taken away because, hey, this ain’t the NCAA, are trying to raise money to help a billionaire owner pay a one-million dollar fine.
10. Dear God, what’s next?
We’re scared.
Look ya’ll..
Tom Brady definitely probably* told one or more Patriots employees to break NFL rules and deflate some balls below the NFL’s allowed level.
Tom Brady
definitely
probably lied about it afterward to avoid getting into trouble.
Tom Brady
definitely
probably didn’t turn over his text messages or cooperate with the NFL’s investigation because if he had there
definitely
probably would have been a smoking gun proving his guilt that would have allowed us to remove the lines through the words “definitely” in this piece.
The two Patriots employees that had text conversations about someone named “Tom” and deflating footballs
definitely
probably did so because someone named Tom was
definitely
probably telling them to deflate footballs and weren’t just engaging in the second saddest fan fiction/role play of all time.**
It doesn’t matter if Brady got any actual football advantage by
definitely
probably ordering the deflating of balls. Hell, that actually makes the entire song and dance even more preposterous.
Tom Brady and the Patriots definitely deserve every bit of this punishment, if not just for the crime, but for actually having the guile and arrogance to be displaying righteous indignation over a situation that anyone outside of lobotomy recipients knows damn well they
definitely
probably lied about.
How could any sane, rational human being possibly, even for a second, try to argue that Brady and the Patriots are somehow being wronged here? What is next for our society if we allow this kind of behavior to continue? What new low will we hit? Will folks suddenly start claiming scientists are lying about global warming? Will parents cease listening to doctors and stop vaccinating their children from once life-threatening diseases that medicine cured decades ago? Will “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” get a sequel?
Where does it end, friends? Where does it end?
*
**Did you know that 50 Shades of Grey began as Twilight fan fiction?