The NBA’s Christmas Naughty List

NBA Christmas time is here. That means a full day of NBA action, it means joy and celebration. It also means we have naughty players, fans, and teams who must be punished and delivered coal for their misdeeds this year.

Of course, not all misdeeds are equal and because this is the internet the only way to differentiate the severity of their transgressions is a good ole 1-5 scale. Something small such as ruining a Russell Westbrook triple-double would be worth only one lump of coal, but more egregious examples such as a fan running on the court would be worth five lumps of coal. We’re also drawing a line between naughty and the harder stuff.

Now, it’s time for the listing of the naughty! I’ve got a lot of problems with these fans, teams, players, and you’re gonna hear about them.

Double bird Sixers fan

Does everybody remember this dope?

Westbrook had just finished one of his incredible and-1 layups. After the foul, he walked towards the baseline where this idiot decided to make himself part of the game and throw up a double bird to Westbrook. Whatever his reasoning, it was a stupid gesture that deserved to have him thrown out of the game, because everybody knows he would have never done this to Westbrook outside an arena. Fans that feel protected by their ticket to this level are the worst kind and will receive nothing but coal for Christmas.

Westbrook, however, will receive plentiful gifts for not only his triple-doubles, but giving us one of the greatest reactions ever.

Whose man is this?

Five lumps of coal:

Doc Rivers

The refs aren’t perfect and never will be. It’s expected that they will make mistakes, or their judgement of calls will be disagreed with by fans, players, and coaches. In tense NBA games, where emotions are running high, there will be moments when those emotions boil over into rage at a missed call.

For Doc Rivers, a serial call complainer, that rage reached new heights when he was ejected during overtime of a game against the Brooklyn Nets.

Rivers absolutely lost it that night. Not only did he emphatically deny the ejection, he then tried to storm the court and reach the refs that had walked away, leading to DeAndre Jordan having to hold him back in what has quickly become an internet meme.

What was Rivers planning to do when he actually reached the refs? Probably scream at them some more — like a dog chasing a car nothing was really going to happen had he caught the refs he was chasing. Rivers was fined for the outburst, and he will now receive two lumps coal for what he has done. Coaches get ejected all the time, but reacting this way means a stocking full of coal. The internet knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake. The internet knows when you’ve been bad or good. So please, Doc, leave those refs alone for goodness sake.

Two lumps of coal: 

Tony Parker

Tim Duncan had his jersey retired in front of thousands of fans at the AT&T Center following the San Antonio Spurs victory over the New Orleans Pelicans. It was an emotional night that gave many of us closure on Duncan’s departure from the NBA. He’s not dead, and he’s said he’ll still be around but that doesn’t make us miss him any less. Seeing a guy like Duncan leave the NBA for good, with his jersey in the rafters, is a bittersweet moment to deal with. It’s great to see Duncan’s greatness be remembered forever, but now those of us that grew up watching him have to accept that he is finished. It really was a wonderful ceremony.

Read More: Tim Duncan, human tattoo

Then Parker had to come in and derail the whole thing in the greatest way possible. Duncan doesn’t do that whole tearful goodbye thing. He’s always been quiet and emotionless in a public setting like that. Everything Duncan did was a behind-the-scenes kind of deal, and that’s what Parker and other Duncan co-workers expressed at the ceremony. Parker also spent the entirety of his speech turning the ceremony into less of a celebration and more of a roasting, which is just hilariously mean. Nobody was safe from Parker as he went after the mental toughness needed to play for Gregg Popovich, Duncan’s stare, and Duncan’s fashion sense.

No seriously, Tim, put on the tie already.

Either way, while funny, Parker earns a lump of coal for roasting someone during a celebration of them. That’s just mean.

One lump of coal: 

Any hack-a-user

The Hack-a-Strategy isn’t as prevalent as it was last season, but that has not changed the absolute horror that is sitting through one of these at a live game. I recently attended the Orlando Magic home game against the Los Angeles Clippers, and Frank Vogel decided to start hacking DeAndre Jordan midway through the third quarter. Not only did the strategy not work, but it bored the entire arena to the point that fans were booing their own team.

Whether it’s a legitimate strategy or not is irrelevant. The NBA is an entertainment business and the fans in those arenas should not have to sit through 30 minutes of watching million dollar athletes playing tag. It sucks, and is well worth their four pieces of coal.

Four lumps of coal:

The Minnesota Timberwolves

Remember how excited everybody was for the Timberwolves? With Karl Anthony-Towns, Andrew Wiggins, and Zach Lavine, all future stars of the league, this was a surefire bet to be one of the most fun teams in the NBA this year. On top of that they had just hired a defensive maestro in Tom Thibodeau. At worst, the Wolves would lose a lot of games, but at least be fun in the process of that losing while taking steps towards their future.

Read More: The Wolves are struggling with Thibodeau’s defense

See, what actually happened was, the way the Wolves bank account works means they can’t deposit any wins. This team stinks. They couldn’t stop Duke from scoring and their tendency to blow it in the third or fourth quarter is almost poetry at this point. The young guys are still awesome and fun to watch, but the bench stinks and the Ricky Rubio trade rumors are just tiresome at this point. Their fans no longer care about being competitive. They just want to win more games than last year.

Sorry, Minnesota, use these three pieces of coal to stay warm through what should be a long winter.

Three lumps of coal: 

Bradley Beal and the NBA

Beal has had a tremendous scoring season for the Washington Wizards. A season he really needed to have after the controversy this summer surrounding his relationship with co-star John Wall. However, the Wizards had a very bad start to the season that involved a lot of losses. During a night where they were being pushed to the edge by a not very good Magic team, there was a scuffle that led to Beal attempting to choke Evan Fournier.

The attempt would leave red marks on Fournier’s neck and Beal was shockingly not suspended for the gesture. Maybe Fournier asked Beal to google his name and this was a very angry response to that? Whatever the reason, it’s an unacceptable act and that Beal was not suspended for it, or even thrown out of the game for that matter, shows poor judgement by not just Beal, but the NBA as well.

Five lumps for each of them.

Five lumps of coal:

The Sacramento Kings

Of course they’re on the naughty list. The Kings have been on the naughty list for over a decade now. Constantly unable to stay out of their own way, there is nothing good going on in this place right now. DeMarcus Cousins is a problem that the Kings can’t solve. Rudy Gay has already said he won’t be coming back. Arron Afflalo, relegated to a bench role, refused to enter a game. They’re on coach #1047 since firing Rick Adelman and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of things turning around, which is really sad for fans that fought as hard as they did to save the team from the Maloof debacle.

The Kings need to burn it all down and start from scratch, but ownership refuses to do so as noise comes out every day that Vlade Divac is over his head in his executive position. The organization leaks more than a sinking boat, and every player involved wants to leave as soon as they get there.

Here are five lumps of coal. Use them to start the fire that will finally burn this down and give them the fresh start they need.

Five lumps of coal: