Devin Booker almost tied Michael Jordan for the #nicest game ever

Last night, Devin Booker scored so many points.

Some people were upset about it, because Devin Booker was a highly touted rising player going into this year, and all he’s really shown is the ability to score. He also doesn’t score efficiently, and that’s very upsetting for a lot of people because if there’s any bone over which old school pundits and new school bloggers particularly contend, it is whether players who score a lot, but not efficiently, are actually good.

Devin Booker is 20, and he scored 70 points, which is 50 more than his age.

You know who else has scored 70 points? Just Wilt Chamberlain, David Robinson, Elgin Baylor, David Thompson, and Kobe Bryant. Robinson (1994) and Kobe (2006) are the only people to do it since the 1978. That’s the year David Thompson did it. Elgin and Wilt played in the 60s, which doesn’t really count. Not that they weren’t really good, but not enough other people were for me to get real geeked about it.

Seventy is so many points. If last game were a math test, Booker would have been one of the only people in the NBA ever to pass. If 70 points were a person, it’d have been getting AARP magazines for five years. It would be eating dinner at 4:30 pm. In the Bible, the natural span of a person’s life is supposed to be “three scores and ten.” Devin Booker’s game should already be dead.

The Suns lost. A lot of miserable people who probably cut their pizza with fork and knife are probably out there saying the W is ALL THAT MATTERS. Well, when I watch the NBA, I see a lot of Ws. Almost every night SOME team wins a game. I don’t see 70 points. No sir.

A lot of finicky people who probably talk a lot about how they don’t have a television because they like to “unplug” say he didn’t get it in the natural course of the game. Well, until someone proves to me that the Suns invented trying to get a guy to a milestone, or fouling and calling time outs even when it’s clear you’re going to lose, neither I nor my dog Pancake cares.

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Devin took 40 shots — fine — but he shot 52.5 percent. He got 26 free throws, but he didn’t make the Celtics foul him, and he made 24 of them. He grabbed eight rebounds, and dished six assists, and had three steals. It was so good. I haven’t seen anything like it in years and if trends hold, we probably won’t ‘til around 2030. Way to score a ridiculous number of points, Devin. Soon you will be able to legally drink, and at that point I hope you responsibly celebrate.