What made baseball fun this week was basically three things: The Los Angeles Dodgers, home runs and dudes getting fired up like 4th of July fireworks.
Baseball definitely did a better job of entertaining us this week than last. I mean, it would have been a total American travesty to not get fired up for the 4th of July, right? While there were literally fireworks everywhere in America this past week, some of them in baseball weren’t exactly pyrotechnics.
This is what happens when you’re forced to wear polyester pajamas in hot sun every single day to entertain us fans that just love getting sunburnt at the ballpark while eating hot dogs. Baseball has entered the hot dog days for sure. Isn’t it only Natural to start being mean to one of your dumb idiot rivals? Like you have to be sick of those clowns that try to beat you 19 times a year. In essence, it’s easy to hate their face. The division crown is the most important thing in the world, and those morons are just in the way.
Basically, baseball was Xxplosive, a Firework and those Artful Los Angeles Dodgers were definitely in the middle of it all. It’s good because they’re good, even though their fans can’t watch them on TV. Like Frank McCourt, Vin Scully is gone, but the Dodgers and the Dodger dogs remain. Thank God for hot dogs because America!
Hope you didn’t blow any of your fingers off this 4th of July because you were trying to be cool and whatever. It’s hard to get In Da Club where you gotta wear a club to play ball, son. Let’s not beat around the bush. This column condones baseball violence, the long ball and talking smack to dumb dudes on the diamond. That’s Entertainment, right? So here’s some pictures and things to click on. If you’re missing digits, don’t Call on Me. Be heads up and use your nose, stupid, because on you knows best.
Of course we needed an almost skipper fight, because why not?
When he was on second base, San Diego Padres left fielder Jose Pirela saw The Sign because he might have stolen it from Dodgers goofy southpaw Alex Wood. I mean Wood is my Dawg, but those type of pitching mechanics don’t grow on trees. Basically, my Dawg Wood HATED that Pirela was being all Ace on that second Base.
They got a little verbose out there and that triggered the skippers to get in a verbal donnybrook. Dave Roberts may have been a menace on a base path in his playing career, but he had Blind Faith that he was going to Win that argument for Wood. Of course he started yelling at that guy I can’t isn’t still a baseball player in Andy Green. Like that’s a manager! Oh, come on!
There was almost a skipper fight and Big Mac definitely ready to slug some of his former employers in Dodger blue. I mean he was a Bash Brother, right? Had that have been ManBearPuig on second base and some Padre dude was on the mound, yeah, that fight would have happened for sure.
LoMo throwing that Derby shade fo sho
The Home Run Derby at the All-Star Game is about three things: dudes ruining their swings for the sake of our entertainment, Chris Berman saying the word “back” a lot and of course bragging rights. Tampa Bay Rays slugger Logan Morrison has been dinging in that JuiceBox Park for a couple of months now.
Apparently nobody was paying attention because Rays. So they’re just gonna put two of them Yankees in the derby in Aaron Judge Reinhold and that Sanchez guy and think LoMo is going to be cool with that? No, he HATED it.
He basically said that Eduardo Sanchez‘s 14 home runs were cute and all. Sanchez responded, but whatever. LoMo was right because you’re never wrong when you have a rhyming nickname baseball off you initials. Who cares about creativity if you can’t hit home runs? No thoughts lead to no headaches, the Vlad Guerrero Way of Life.
Kenley Jansen ain’t in it for the fans
How does Kenley Jansen want it? Pretty much like that 2Pac song about fame and money and whatever. Jansen has a bazooka for a right arm, but he’s not cool with the Dodgers peeps not showing up to games. Are the Dodger dogs not delicious enough for ya? It’s not like you can watch them on tv anyway.
Basically, the Dude was mad about something more important than rugs: All-Star votes. He’s not out of his element. This was one of those cool elections where you can channel your inner Martin Van Buren to vote early and vote often to get your blue dudes into that Marlins Fish Tank to entertain us in a few weeks. It was a turbo popular vote, guys. Hillary would have loved that for sure, even if she thinks the Giants play in New York and the Cardinals in Phoenix.
So nope, didn’t happen. Instead we got three Curly W guys and two mountain dudes literally taking their talents to South Beach because The Decision of many Angelinos was to not vote the Dodger dudes into the All-Star game. I mean four of their guys are going to be there, but if you ain’t first, you’re last, especially in All-Star voting.
Jon Gray touched ’em all
Most days, Jon Gray tries to make his living throwing strikes in Denver. Pssh. Okay, that’s like owning a chain of carwashes based in Seattle or pushing snowboards in Pensacola. Mostly just good luck with that, son.
Well, what if I told you that Gray found the best high country barley in that wooden bat of his and went yicketty just the other day? I was a Touch of Gray on that glorious Denver day. He definitely didn’t look like a pitcher in that batter’s box. That ball went so far into Coors Field mountain of purple dudes, are we sure that ball landed yet?
Next: Best MLB player from each state
It probably touched down on Gray Street somewhere. Though the mountain dudes have lost a little bit of the je ne sais quoi, they’ve already got 50 wins, are probably making the playoffs and not hanging out in their mom’s station wagon at Sonic, so there’s always that. Those half-priced slushies though…tremdous. Despite being a pitcher in adverse conditions, Gray will get by.