Buhler’s Way Off: Zeke quit like champion; Eli’s goal line stand
By John Buhler
Ezekiel Elliott went all Richie Tenenbaum on that Dak Prescott to Aqib Talib pick-six vs. the Denver Broncos. Nobody does goal line things like Eli Manning.
Week 2 of the 2017 NFL season was incredible. We have eight teams that are 2-0, two teams that are 1-0 and everybody else has taken at least an l or two. Taking l’s are just part of life. Gotta remember Even the Losers get lucky sometimes. Unless you’re the New England Patriots, You Don’t Know How It Feels.
While the Pats did lose their home opener in a KC masterpiece in Week 1, they went into the Mercees-Benz Superome and burnt the pitiful New Orleans Saints efense. From now on, anything having to o with the fourth letter of the alphabet cannot be associate with the Saints. You can throw all those extra vowels or whatever we see in Cajun ialects at us, but no, your NFL team has no interest in covering the opposition. No fourth letter of the alphabet for you.
Because talking about the Ennis Allen efense own in Nawlins is exhausting, we’re just gonna stop…NOW!. So we’re going to talk about a Defense that is actually good. Who knew that we’d love to speak positively about No Fly Zones?
The Denver D is tremendous. It’s such a delight to watch that Ezekiel Elliott felt the need for speed to Take It Easy on that delicious pick-six Aqib Talib had on Return of the Dak Prescott. Why give any effort if you just want to Netflix and chill in the middle of a football field? Who knows? Maybe Talib Leon Lett’s It Go on the goal line?
You know who had to have hated this? Herm Edwards because YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! He’s not talking about practice, as there are No Days Off! on fall Sundays. At least Tony Romo wasn’t in the booth to call that game. Let’s get weird and look at all the dumb things that happened in Week 2 in the NFL.
Zeke Elliott channels inner Richie Tenenbaum on pick-six
When you’re laying in bed eating delicious Taco Bell, why would you not want to watch the fine cinematic masterpieces of Wes Anderson? Why would you not want to watch Cool Ethan step away from making hair dolls on his Phantom Planet (this is what you do when you’re cousins with Nic Cage btw) and hang out with Bill F&*(*n Murray and do Rushmore stuff?
Okay, maybe you’re into Life Aquatic because dolphins, David Bowie and Willem Dafoe are the only Life on Mars? changing trio you trust. Nah, you’re a Rebel, Rebel. You like the Stones, Ben Stiller freaking about everything, Gene Hackman not doing Hoosiers and all things Wilson Brothers.
Needless to say, Zeke Elliott and I share the same favorite Anderson movie. The Royal Tenenbaums is amazing. It is 100 percent the movie that the Coldplay guy fell in love with Gwenyth Paltrow over. I mean she captivated the heck out of her on-camera brother Richie Tenenbaum.
Luke Wilson might have been better in Old School, but that tennis match set the tone for what Zeke Elliott did on Sunday versus Denver. When you quit, that’s how you have to do it. Take your socks off, cry on national television and then go paint weird pictures in your fort tent. It’s okay, Zeke has plenty of time to learn how to quit like Richie. Wasn’t he supposed to be suspended for this game anyway?
Welcome to the Bungle: We’ve got awful plays
It’s been two weeks and the Cincinnati Bengals are only average 4.5 points per game more than you this season. The bad nickname this team use to have when they weren’t the Team of the 90’s is starting to come back in discussion about this 2017 team.
With a certain buzz saw waiting for them in Wisconsin, it’s time for the Green Bay Packers to Welcome to the Bungle. Cincinnati’s got terrible plays. Playmakers on three is not working. A.J. McCarron is doing press conferences. The new age Bungles are ready for some Kap in Cincy. This might be the worst team in the AFC not named the Jets.
To summarize what we saw in the first two weeks on the Queen City gridiron, let’s just chalk it up to late Reds owner Marge Schott taking the dogs out on the infield. If you can’t remember back that far, it’s essentially like that time Klay Thompson went to see his brother Trayce play at Dodger Stadium.
When the spread is great than the number of points you’ve scored in a season, you know you’re going to have a bad time. Cincinnati being 0-3 is about as likely as the Bengals not winning a playoff game this year. Playmakers on three!
Might as well kick it: Younghoe Koo is having zero fun right now in LA
You know what? The LA Galaxy isn’t exactly spectacular anymore either. Bruce is loose in his new Arena with the USMNT trying to scare America into thinking that getting into the Russia World Cup is like a mission to Mars or something.
Basically, kicking at the StubHub Center in Carson is going about as well on the pitch as it is on the gridiron. Football Linsanity is not happening in LA. Rookie kicker Younghoe Koo has had two bad endings to his first two NFL games.
Do keep in mind that the San Diego Los Angeles Chargers were the team that lost to the Browns in Cleveland. It was a very Merry Christmas to the San Diegoans that were about to lose their football team. When you’re the Chargers, you get use to losing. It’s what you do.
Whatever 40 percent of 7/8 of 22,000 were there to cheer on Smoking Jay Cutler and those bottlenose Dolphins on Sunday. Nature didn’t call, but it was Alrighty Then, as the Chargers didn’t put the laces out, Dan. It was boo-hoo for Koo and the 578 people in powder blue.
Philip Rivers not only knows where the sun goes, but where the laces should go, too. Can he kick field goals? What’s Landon Donovan doing these days? Can he still bend it like Beckham, who still can’t get a stadium built in Miami.
Credit to the 49ers: Indy can’t even hang in OT in their own building
To describe what is going on in Indianapolis with their football team, we’re just going to equate it to the time Andy Dwyer decided he needed to make delicious coffee pot ramen and broke everything. No amount of Duke Silver Snake Juice is going to magically make this team better.
The Indianapolis Colts are trash like that desktop computer Ron Swanson didn’t need after he figured out why Google Earth is the worst thing in the world besides the food his food eats. In the Chuckstrong rivalry game, the 2012 NFL Coach of the Year won the game for the Arizona Cardinals in overtime.
The consolation prize for Chuck Pagano and the Colts was flattering: being the underdog in the don’t watch game of Week 3 versus the Cleveland Browns. The last time Cleveland was favored in a game, Bernie Sanders was in the mix to be POTUS. Knope, that didn’t happen. Sanders didn’t win and the Colts have fallen into The Pit and broke both of their legs. Don’t let shoeshine head get the best of you.
7-9 BS: Eli Manning’s goal line stand
From year one to year two as an NFL head coach, Ben McAdoo made two big changes in the offseason. He embraced the Pat Riley power slick haircut and cut down on the size of the biggest offensive playbook in football.
Well, that was enough trimming of the fat as Eli and the Giants couldn’t get it right on the goal line. The center changed the protection scheme and Eli forgot what is the biggest city in Nebraska is. McAdoo equated it to sloppy quarterback play and the G-Men are 0-2.
The red zone is unfamiliar territory for the Giants, as their offense is essentially 60-yard slant routes to OBJ. Those usually work, but he’s not 100 percent healthy. New York’s one touchdown on Monday Night Football was to a rookie tight end out of Ole Miss that believes in blocking as much as Zeke Elliott does in chasing down pick-sixes.
Next: NFL: 15 Biggest Draft Busts Of All-Time
When the Washington Redskins need Jared Goff to stare at the sun and throw a pick to win, you know it was a no good, very bad week for the NFC East. There’s not enough duct tape in the world to keep the Giants offensive line together and to keep New York’s heads from falling off.