The USMNT and the heights of despair

The USMNT were terrible against Trinidad and Tobago last night. Now they will miss out on the 2018 World Cup. Let’s rage.

Here’s the thing: the United States men’s national team is my thing. It’s the sports team I care the most about in this world. I am very invested in how they play, each and every time they play.

At 33 years old, I should have learned by now not to tie so much of my well-being and psyche to the results of a soccer team. But here we are. I wish the Sun would engulf the Earth. Today. Right now.

Tuesday night, a series of hilariously unlikely events transpired together to knock the USMNT out of the World Cup in Russia next summer. Because I’m a masochist, let’s run ‘em down, SHALL WE?

Let’s start with Bruce Arena’s lineup. It was fine, I guess. Except for one thing. Arena selected Omar Gonzalez at center-back for the second straight game. The second straight huge, gigantic, if-we-lose-we-probably-don’t-go-to-the-World-Cup game. Omar. Gonzalez. Y’all have watched Omar play, right? He’s serviceable for a Liga MX team, at the very best. Mostly, he’s tall. Also, mostly, he makes one or two mind-numbingly stupid plays per match. He’s also very slow and usually out of position.

So, last night. Gonzalez’s own goal was one of the most absurd and darkly-poetic own goals of all time. Seriously, LOOK AT THIS:

Most of you know where I’m going with this. Gonzalez shouldn’t have never been on the field last night, or on Friday. Geoff Cameron starts for a Premier League team. Even if he was, say, 75 percent fit, he’s an infinitely better option than Omar.

Other than that? Even with that? Yeah, the U.S. should be able to get a point at Trinidad and Tobago, the worst team in the Hex.

Then, of course, there were the other two matches. Which brings me to my next point: every citizen of Mexico and Costa Rica, would you please form two orderly lines? I am going to fist fight each of you in turn. Thank you very much.

With qualification wrapped up, the two sides had nothing to play for against Honduras and Panama, respectively, while Honduras and Panama, like the USMNT, had everything to play for. But, you see, the difference was that Honduras and Panama came out and played like the World Cup was on the line, but the U.S. played like they’d rather be, I don’t know, DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

So Mexico oles three Honduras goals (MEXICO LET HONDURAS SCORE THREE GOALS) while Costa Rica gave up the winner to a center-back, Roman Torres, streaking forward from the back in the 88th minute. Panama’s equalizer was even better in that it wasn’t actually a goal because it didn’t cross the line and if the ball doesn’t cross the line then you’re not supposed to get a point on the scoreboard asdfkasgharbiapodnbapn …

But here’s another thing: it shouldn’t have mattered, in the slightest, what Panama or Honduras did in their matches. The USMNT getting knocked out of the World Cup happened because the USMNT don’t deserve to go the the World Cup if they can only manage 12 points in 10 games and finish fifth out of six teams in the final round of CONCACAF World Cup qualifying. It’s as simple as that.

We are all looking for a scapegoat to pin this on: Jurgen Klinsmann, Bruce Arena, Sunil Gulati, Michael Bradley, Tim Howard, Omar Gonzalez, God. And while each of those is surely to blame (if there is a God, he can definitely take some responsibility here), no single person caused the United States to lose four Hex matches, two of which were at home. No single person caused them to give up 13 goals. No single person caused them to miss out on a World Cup even though they participate in the easiest and most forgiving qualification tournament in the world.

So what do we do now?

First things first. We rage and curse and gnash our teeth and get super-duper pissed off and call for heads on spikes. Those calling for calm and perspective and looking forward need to stop. 

If we can’t lose our minds and be completely irrational after our team totally and completely fails us, what’s the point of being a fan? If we have to dust ourselves off and immediately provide a 10-point list of how we can “improve going forward,” count me out. I’m not a diplomat to the damn United Nations. I am a highly involved fan that deserved better from a team I pour so much time and attention and effort into. Be angry. Be hateful. Rage. Tear your hair out. Raze the U.S. Soccer House to the ground. Metaphorically, of course.

And then we can talk about who needs to go. Immediately. Quite obviously Bruce Arena and Sunil Gulati must go. They should already be gone. You don’t get to come back from this. As the leadership, you have to pay the price for a wholly unacceptable disaster taking place on your watch.

If you need more evidence that Bruce and Sunil have to go, and of the general delusion those in charge are under, here’s what they had to say after the game:

BRB, going to tear down a whole forest with my bare hands.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? These comments are sick and gross and disgusting and whatever other descriptors you can think of that mean the same things as sick and gross and disgusting.

Next, here’s a quick list of players that I never want to see in a USA jersey again: Omar Gonzalez, Tim Howard, Matt Besler, Graham Zusi, Fabian Johnson, Jermaine Jones, Brad Guzan, Tim Ream, Alejandro Bedoya, Chris Wondolowski. Clint Dempsey can play as long as he wants. Everyone else will not feature for the USMNT should they qualify for the World Cup in 2022. Get them out. They don’t deserve another chance. Turn the program over to the young guys.

Finally, I am absolutely heartbroken and enraged for Christian Pulisic. Every other player and coach and administrator that took part in this qualifying campaign should write him a long letter of apology for making him miss out on the 2018 World Cup. It’s not fair. He deserved the chance to be in Russia.

Pulisic will keep developing; he’s too driven and too good of a player not to. But it’s excruciating to consider the experience and potential career boost he will now miss out on. Shame on all of the other guys. Shame on Jurgen Klinsmann and Bruce Arena and Sunil Gulati. Shame on U.S. Soccer as a whole.

Next: USMNT failure obscures deeper problems with U.S. Soccer

There. Now, do we all feel better? Of course not. I sure as hell don’t. Let the heads start rolling, baby.