Buhler’s Way Off: The clock is ticking on Big Ben, Steelers
By John Buhler
The Pittsburgh Steelers’ pets’ heads are falling off. Big Ben is not having any fun anymore because the Jacksonville Jaguars keep stealing his footballs.
Football is hard. Hell, life is hard, man. Sometimes you have to Change, but just don’t be a distraction when you do it. Ben Roethlisberger has grown up a lot since dinner, that bike thing or that one time in Milledgeville, but’s he’s feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired with whatever’s going on with the Pittsburgh Steelers.
When you complete more touchdown passes for the Jacksonville Jaguars than Sir Blake Bortles, then maybe it’s Time to Say Goodbye to that NFL football you used to know. Like Sir Blake Bortles threw like one pass in the second half and still beat you Steelers in Condiment Coliseum on Sunday.
Fortunately, the Steelers play in a division that features Birds with NO Teeth, Playmakers on Three! (Go Tigers. Rawr) and the Action Hue Jacksons that drafted the Wrong Doug and win fewer games than the Sam Hinkie 76ers. Trust the Process.
It’s minutes to midnight in Big Ben’s illustrious NFL career, but who watches the watchmen? Definitely not Will.i.am, as he’s got another AB Facebook Live sesh to defend presumably on Facebook Live or maybe even SnapChat? I don’t even know!
All I know is that I don’t know nothing. Knowledge is power and Operation Ivy eventually yielded the right kind of Rancid coming out of the East Bay. At least four coaches might be on the hot seat, so out come the wolves. Here’s some pictures and YouTube videos to click on. Week 5, you dawg!
Maybe Big Ben don’t have it no mo?
Apparently, Big Ben doesn’t have the Time to deal with whatever’s going on in Pittsburgh. Who knew 3-2 could feel so miserable? Losing at home to London’s Finest was probably the second-worst thing to happen at Heinz Field ever.
We just didn’t know that Jalen Ramsey was Gotham’s reckoning and the Bane of Big Ben’s existence. It’s not like some eccentric actor named Christian is going to Bale you out or something, Big Ben. He’s like living in a desert prison in Tunisia, but he might as well Jump because that’s an action verb David Lee Roth loves very much.
It might be Closing Time for Big Ben on his NFL career after all. You beat Sir Blake Bortles at his own game of pick-six. It’s cool though. We’re almost at that time of the year where Saul Silver has to go change Bubby Brister’s Clocks. Big Ben could in theory recharge his batteries.
The only problem with that sound logic is that Craig Robinson stole Will.i.am’s song in that Hot Tub Time Machine. If he’s not careful, he might get a face of coffee pot. There just won’t be ramen in it and AB will Facebook Live the entire thing. Let’s Get it Started in ha! Big Ben may just want to retire because like Roger Murtaugh, he’s too old for this ish.
Cutler vs. Cassel: What a disaster that matchup was!
Walk, don’t run. I get that these NFL quarterbacks has these business Ventures or what not, but stay in the pocket, guys! Just because you think you can run like MVP candidate Alex Smith doesn’t mean you should. The Dolphins are crying and nobody Remembers the afternoon they played the Titans.
Ryan Tannehill gave way to Smoking Jay Cutler who LOVES being on field for the Wildcat. Marcus Mariota went ham on his hamstring. Now we have to deal with a college backup quarterback who wishes he was as brilliant as Richard Castle.
If you watched the Titans play the Dolphins in Week 5, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you your money back. This is probably what quarterbacking looked like when Sid Luckman was dominating the league. I’m not sure of that because that was like 70 years ago and my parents didn’t even exist yet.
If we could banish you to the AFL, we would have after that terrible football game. The Puppy Who Lost His Way was WAY more insightful to how to play quarterback that whatever that rubbish was. I’d rather have coffee with lipstick enthusiast Danny McGrath because at least his aim is good and those eyes are to die for!
Stop getting hurt, you non-quarterback stars!
Clearly, Alex Smith is setting a horrible example to the many professionals in professional football. Are we sure that running is okay in football? Like, it’s taking every millenial’s favorite non-quarterback out of games forever.
OBJ lifted that leg like the Dawg he thinks he is. Two weeks later, looks like the shoe was on the other foot for Enzo Gorolomi Arrivederci and Poodell Barkham Jr. broke his leg. Technically, he might have been mountain climbing like Bridget Von Hammersmark, as he had to get way up there on that delicious offering from Eli Manning Face.
So OBJ is done for the year and millennials HATE IT. Who else is going teach them who Michael Jackson was besides going on a YouTube deep dive? Just a few hours later, the other not so Tiny Dancer millennials LOVE got hurt and that stinks.
It’s been a rough last two years for J.J. Watt. He hurt his back working out and broke a bone in his knee many of us didn’t know existed until he did this. The worst part of it all is not that the Texans defense is worse, but the two guys in this commercial aren’t playing football anymore this year. I though Macy Gray was making a comeback. At least she Tried.
Millenials, we tried to make football fun for you, but all we can give you in exchange for OBJ and JJ are Cutler and Cassel. You have seen what the dangers of running do to your body. It’s 100 percent not safe for your mom to let you sign up for cross country. Here’s to Instagraming slime videos from your bedroom forever!
Might as well kick it: Nick is not the Folk hero field goal kicking NEEDS
The Four Horsemen of the NFL position apocalypse. You know who you are. If you’re a Browns quarterback, a Giants linebacker, a Chargers offensive linemen or a Buccaneers placekicker, you chances of succeeding are about zero.
Nick Folked up big time on Thursday Night Football versus the Evil Empire. No, he didn’t come with it now, as he missed three field goals to lose to Darth Sidious and the Pats at home. It wasn’t a Laces Out, Dan sort of ordeal, he just stunk like low tide.
He didn’t listen to the Cap’n Gene “Be Smart” speech or that Famous Jameis “We Strong Then” speech. Those are easily the two best speeches of that 10 years and everybody that’s been to a Publix before knows that, even if they are on suspension for a desk pop.
Yo Adrian! When 7-9 B.S. changes hands, it’s still 7-9 B.S.
There was never enough crème brûlée in the Big Easy to make that Yo Adrian! Peterson signing work in NOLA. It was a weirder for the the New Orleans Saints than that time the Pelicans decided to go Boogie and The Brow and not make the playoffs. The Pelicans are still trying to win with two centers, while the Saints have no use for a heckler at a Patton Oswalt show.
So they sent Peterson to the place where you tend to send old people when they need to go away: Phoenix! It’s cool though. The Arizona Cardinals are old too, as they are the NFC retirement home this season. There is a 1,000 percent chance Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald didn’t have Facebook in college either.
Back in 2009, if you were to cut Chris Johnson to sign Adrian Peterson, the infancy of NFL Twitter would have lost its mind. Now the Cardinals have doubled down on some Peterson and probably got worse in the process.
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This team will be lucky to go 7-9, as seven overtime games would be required for the geriatric Cardinals to get in the win column. It’s only natural that 7-9 B.S. has found a new home in the NFC West.