Premier League interesting rankings: City are ridiculous, Palace finally score

Manchester City are unstoppable and Crystal Palace get off the mark in spectacular fashion. Here’s our updated Premier League interesting rankings.

20. West Brom (Last Week: 19)

The Baggies are winless in their last six Premier League matches. They made it back-to-back draws on Monday as the tied Leicester 1-1 on the road. There may be light at the end of the uninteresting tunnel for West Brom, however, as Nacer Chadli hit a ridiculous free kick in the 63rd minute. I might pay attention should they keep scoring goals like that.

19. Leicester (LW: 18)

Gah. Leicester are wretched this season. They have only one win while posting four losses in eight matches. They drew with still-very-boring West Brom thanks to an 80th minute equalizer from Riyad Mahrez, who is basically their only exciting player. The Foxes are now in the relegation zone. That insane title run seems like a million years ago.

18. Bournemouth (LW: 16)

The Cherries, bless their hearts, just aren’t very good at soccer. Losing 1-0 away to Spurs isn’t really that bad, except Spurs don’t win at home this season. Whoops. Bournemouth are in 19th place on four points. I don’t know what their odds are to stay up (because I don’t want to look it up), but 350 to 1 seems about right.

17. Southampton (LW: 20)

Southampton are out of the interesting rankings dungeon after a decently entertaining 2-2 draw with Newcastle on Sunday. There were four whole goals scored during the soccer match! Manolo Gabbiadini — you won’t believe this, but he’s Italian — is the Saints only real goal-scorer and he scored both of their goals.

16. Everton (LW: 15)

Drawing with Brighton 1-1 is not a great look. Everton haven’t looked great all season. Sometimes things just come together. Wayne Rooney scored a 90th minute penalty to rescue a point for the Toffees. They are tied on eight points with four other teams and currently sit in 16th place. Moving on.

15. Stoke (LW: 14)

Oh Stoke. Poor old Stoke. They should have stayed in Stoke-on-Trent on Saturday and just mailed the three points to Manchester City. The Potters scored two goals. City scored seven. SEVEN. WHAT’S IN THE BOX? Anyway, They only fell one spot in these rankings because getting your ass kicked that bad is hilarious and the teams above them are terrible.

14. Huddersfield (LW: 11)

Gosh dang it, Huddersfield. I want to love you, but you can’t go and lose 2-0 to Swansea. *Sigh* Look, I know you try your best, but things just don’t seem to be working out. Let’s just be friends. Oh, and also, if you’re wondering, it’s not me, it’s you.

13. Swansea (LW: 17)

The Swans are up to 13th place in the Premier League table after beating the Terriers 2-0 at Liberty Stadium on Saturday. Tammy “don’t call me Tommy” Abraham scored a brace. They are the best of the eight-point teams thanks to a minus-three goal difference. Good job, guys.

12. Arsenal (LW: 5)

The Gunners took a nice tumble down our rankings after a 2-1 away loss to Watford, who are good this season, but not that good. Some fun tidbits about this match: Arsenal let Tom Cleverly score the game winner, Per Mertesacker scored their only goal, and this was the first time in 30 years that Watford beat the Gunners at home. I’d laugh, but it’s hard to do so through all these tears.

11. Brighton (LW: 13)

Brighton are another of the clubs with eight points on the season after drawing at home with Everton. The move up in the interesting rankings because, again, the clubs above them are just mostly boring. And I like the Seagulls for no quantifiable reason.

10. West Ham (LW: 12)

The Hammers drew 1-1 with Premier League darlings Burnley at Turf Moor on Saturday. They managed to hold on for a point even after Andy Carroll was dumb enough to get two yellow cards in a minute and a half for the exact same foul (throwing bows). Jeez, that is just really stupid.

9. Newcastle (LW: 8)

Newcastle remain in the top half of the table after drawing with Southampton 2-2. They missed out on all three points after giving up a penalty in the 75th minute. Florian Lejeune fouled Shane Long, who never ever scores goals, in the box. Why not just let Shane have a go?

8. Burnley (LW: 3)

The Clarets are unbeaten in their last six matches, but probably should have done better than draw with Newcastle, having had a man advantage for most of the match. They get punished in our rankings, but still sit in seventh place on 13 points. Burnley are only two points off fourth-place Watford.

7. Crystal Palace (LW: 10)

Yeah, Eagles! Crystal Palace finally scored a goal! Sure, it was an own goal, but I can’t think of a better way for them to score their first goal than via an own goal. Wilfried Zaha then became the first Palace player to score a goal this season. It was the game-winner. Against Chelsea! Crystal Palace beat Chelsea! This team is bananas. Also, they are still in last place.

6. Liverpool (LW: 7)

Drawing with Manchester United is a good result for any club this season. Unfortunately, Liverpool really need points as they sit in eighth place. They are one of four teams with 13 points so a few good results could seem them back up in the top four. Only winning two of their last six is not great, though.

5. Tottenham (LW: 6)

Spurs finally broke their Wembley curse by beating…Bournemouth. Well, at least they finally won at their temporary home, I guess. Shockingly, it wasn’t Harry Kane who scored for Tottenham. Christian Eriksen’s strike in the 47th minute was enough for Spurs to collect all three points. They sit in third, and may now actually challenge for the title since they decided they can win at home.

4. Chelsea (LW: 4)

*Price Is Right loser horn*

Chelsea drop to fifth in the table because they lost to Crystal Palace. CHELSEA LOST TO CRYSTAL PALACE. HAHAHA. I’m sure they’ll be fine, but they host a high-flying Watford next week.

3. Watford (LW: 9)

Me, from last week’s interesting rankings: “I’m warning you again, Hornets, don’t mess around and get bumped to the bottom half of the interesting rankings.” That’s twice now that Watford have heeded my warnings this season. Their 2-1 win over Arsenal saw them move up to fourth place. The Hornets are buzzing at the moment (not sorry).

2. Manchester United (LW: 2)

It’s all Manchester, all the time at the top of our rankings once again. United are still unbeaten, but dropped points in scoreless yet entertaining draw at Anfield on Saturday. The Red Devils only managed one shot on goal, and only managed to hold on to a point thanks to some nice saves from David De Gea. It’s pretty safe to assume they will get back to winning ways as they travel to Huddersfield this Saturday.

Next: GoT characters as Premier League players

1. Manchester City (LW: 1)

You know that feeling when you dive down to the bottom of the deep end and stay down a little too long and feel like you are going to drown before you break the surface? Well, Manchester City are like all those thousands of gallons trying to kill you, and you are every other Premier League club. That analogy didn’t come off like I envisioned. Suffice it to say, the Citizens are in full eff-you mode at the moment.

They housed Stoke 7-2 at the Etihad on Saturday. They were up 3-0 inside 30 minutes before spotting Stoke two goals, one of which was a Kyle Walker own goal, just to make things interesting. City then slammed the door shut with four second-half scores. There were so many City players on the scoresheet that I don’t want to take the time to type them all out. They have scored 29 goals in eight Premier League games. Bye.