Buhler’s Way Off: Thrown flags, late hits and free throws
By John Buhler
The NFL done lost its mind this week. We had guys late hitting each other, throwing flags to who knows where. We even got some good free throw shooting.
It’s been A Long December and there’s reason to believe that this year’s NFL season will be better than the last. Okay, it’s only like the seventh day of December, but the NFL done lost its mind in Week 13. The third quarter of the NFL season is thankfully over. Hopefully Mr. Jones doesn’t strike up another conversation about Mr. Roger’s Lullaby the rest of the way. Omaha!
One thing that I just gotta say is that the NFL was no good, very bad this week. Like, do these dudes realize Christmas is coming up. We did our job and put the Elf on the Shelf in all 32 team’s facilities so can you try to be good this year? PLEASE! Well, the answer was a resounding “no” from several organizations, as they threw Santa’s Little Helper in the trash can and just started hitting each other.
Gronk is either auditioning to be in either Bills Mafia or for the WWE. Too bad he plays for the Patriots and Ric Flair is the greatest wrestler of all-time. Woo! They don’t make million dollar lizard shoes for Gronkowskis, just Nature Boys, son!
While there are rivalries in the NFL, I really think the Bengals and Steelers just flat out hate each others guts. It’s like Michael Crabtree vs. Aqib Talib, but like their whole teams. While Sean McDonough sat in the booth and hated it, Big Ben just said it was AFC North football. Touche.
So Atlanta couldn’t score any touchdowns against the 21st Century Purple People Eaters in their new Southeastern spaceship. Those purple Norseman have a darn good spaceship, too and they might get to play in it in February for all we know. Can’t Hardly Wait!
You know whose former spaceship sucks. How bout the Motown Kitty Kats. Yeah, they couldn’t even blow up their semi-blown up Silverdome. At least a MARTA bus wasn’t there to block it. Then again, maybe MARTA could been useful for once and prevented that botch job of a demolition in Detroit.
We got some good free throw shooting for once in Florida. Turns out the NBA can’t even pick the right media markets to enter. Jacksonville is more than sacks and chlorine-soaked jean shorts. It has that free throw Nick Anderson missed back in ’95. Marcus Peters is also the Brett Favre when it comes to throwing flags. Man, the NFL was dumb this week or what?
Gronk, Tre’Davious White is not a folding table, man
What an interesting two weeks it has been for Gronk. He went from being Brandin Cooks’ Kronk to turning Tre’Davious White into a Bills Mafia table and getting himself suspended from a football game. Gronk, you’re better than Al Horford and White is not a folding table or Matthew Dellavedova. Why, Gronk, why?
Just ask yourself what future American President The Rock would do and do that. Because The Rock wouldn’t do that. He might star in an awful Baywatch movie or even jump off a building en route to death, but that’s why he’s not one of The Other Guys. He’s better than that. The Rock doesn’t drive a Prius and you shouldn’t either. Just realize that you can’t unbreak a folding table in an Orchard Park parking lot. Pandora doesn’t go back into the box.
Iloka, JuJu getting fired up in Cincinnati
Monday Night Football was pretty much about three things: Bengals and Steelers late hitting each other, Sean McDonough complaining about it in his high castle booth the entire time and Andy Dalton not winning another ball game in primetime. But hey, the Bengals DID cover and I went 5-0 in my best bets. Woo-hoo!
George Iloka went all loco on this hit. And JuJu Smith-Schuster grew up a lot on this hit. He’s only 21 and just learned how to drive. You can’t ride a bike forever in Pittsburgh because it’s cold outside now. Cold, yeah, that would be the best way to describe the Bengals and Steelers rivalry. It’s one where Big Ben gets his clock cleaned and nobody’s Burfict.
Alex Mack epitomizes Falcons’ Week 13 offense
Alex Mack might be able to dodge a wrench, maybe even a ball, possibly on-coming traffic. But no, he caught that flag with his face better than Justin Long. As you can see Matt Ryan and Mack have connected on as many touchdown passes as the duo of Patches O’Houlihan to Long. Goose egg.
See, this was the problem with the Falcons on Sunday. They couldn’t score a touchdown against Dirty Mike Zimmer and The Boys. The Falcons might have pumped in talk radio really loudly in their spaceship, but no touchdowns for you this week, Dirty Birds. Except this one by native son Jerick McKinnon. Pretty sure he was in first grade the last time it was cool to do this, but whatevs.
Fournette’s North Floridian free throw shooing clinic
Florida professional basketball teams had Dwight Howard once and Shaq twice, but free throwing was never easy for those two giant human beings. Well, they could have learned a few things from Leonard Fournette, North Florida’s resident free throw expert.
There’s a place off Ocean Avenue where Fournette used to practice hoops. It looks a lot like that court where Sandy Lyle once made it rain. One day, Fournette knew that he was going to need to make a free throw to lead his team to victory. Off Ocean Avenue, Fournette learned to be a Simple Kind of Man, who just runs and makes his free throws. Making free throws. That’s How I Beat Shaq. But does it work in a divisional race with the Tennessee Titans? We’ll see.
The Pontiac Silverdome wouldn’t die
Just when you thought the Pontiac Silverdome didn’t exist anymore, we all realized that it was still on life support. Years after it crushed Barry Sanders’ football soul, some demolition company decided it was Time to Say Goodbye to the once beautiful, now ugly hag of a sports stadium.
Turns out that demo company blows at blowing things up. You had a bigger lead burying that stadium than the Falcons had in Super Bowl LI. You done messed up, A-A-ron! Pad Stafford is hurt again. A-A-ron Rodgers is less hurt now. Like Iggy Pop or the auto industry, just when you think it’s dead, the Pontiac Silverdome keeps the dream alive. Your last moment was your greatest moment, btw.
Marcus Peters hates flags. Yellow flags. I mean, you would to if you played defensive back in the NFL. This particular flag against the New York Jets definitely set him over the edge. He grabbed that flag and tried to one-up Aaron Donald from last year.
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Peters went straight up Jerry Glanville, Brett Favre, ATL, Mississippi Mud with it. It had to have hit some dumb Jets fan in the face at Snoopy Stadium, so we all win. Nope, Peters lost in this case. The Tron Guy decided he’s not going to play against the Raiders on Sunday. I mean, when you give over play calling duties to Matt Nagy, you have to do something else besides poor clock management to lose games, right? Reid in all red, Glanville in all black. Favre and now Peters throwing stuff. It’s all good when wins don’t matter.