5 Olympic biathletes who might secretly be James Bond
By John Buhler
As often as we’re watching the biathlon in Pyeongchang, one of these guys has to be the next James Bond, right? Here are the 5 biathletes that may be Bond.
We have all decided collectively that the biathlon is clearly the James Bond of Winter Olympic sports. I mean, it’s not really close. Do you really think that James Bond would waste his time curling? No, curling is dumb and the biathlon is about skiing and shooting things because that’s what makes Bond Bond.
While Daniel Craig has done a fine job as the sixth cinematic Bond, we have to believe that film executives are 100 percent scouting the 2018 Pyeongchang Games, you know for their next action star. Biathlon is the best way to go because Rob Gronkowski and J.J. Watt are too jacked to be Bond. Plus, how good are their English accents? Think about it.
See, therein lies a bit of a problem here. Probably the only lame thing about the biathlon other than the United States is probably not going to medal…again, is that there are absolutely zero Brits in this game. To be Bond, you’re going to need a killer British Isles accent of some sort.
But then again, they have acting coaches to figure that out. Of course, Hollywood could totally use Michael Fassbender’s voice instead of whatever these dudes are babbling about. Do keep in mind that if Arnold Schwarzenegger could do Kindergarten Cop with a thick Austrian accent, anything is possible. So here are the five best candidates to be James Bond from the 2018 Pyeongchang Games.
5. Johan Talihaerm
Estonia’s Johan Talihaerm could work for a few reasons. One, he looks like a less jacked version of J.J. Watt, so that helps his cause in terms of general Middle America mass appeal. You know, that is what drives commerce to these sort of Bond things. Plus, his name is Johan, and that’s mysterious to Middle America movie venturing types. Johan is like John, but with an A in it.
It also helps that Talihaerm is young, as he’s like 24 or something. You could totally crank like eight movies with him as Bond in it, so that you can take the all-time Bond title away from the late Roger Moore. He’s probably more athletic than Moore since he’s an Olympian and all.
The only issue is that his last name does not seem like one you could get some deep-voiced guy to bellow in an antiquated movie trailer. We’re obviously going to have to Americanize that for sure, but would Talihaerm, like to go buy Johan Taliban? Probably absolutely not. Maybe Johan Taylor is better? Yeah, that’s definitely better.
Though he has youth on his side, Talihaerm looks too much like J.J. Watt for J.J. Watt to not think he’s kind of ripping him off. Plus, the surname is going to be a problem. Add in that he’s got at least three more Olympiads to compete competitively in competitions in, he may just be best served biathloning it a little bit longer. But the dude has some potential to be Bond for sure.