Ice-Cold Takes: NHL playoffs, dog picks and it’s Washington’s year!

Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column where we visit what is trending around the NHL. Ice-Cold Takes is officially endorsed by all those who oppose Gary Bettman in any way, including my grandmother, who says things about him that we’re not allowed to repeat.

It’s the playoff edition of ICT! The column has officially made it to the postseason. Now, seeing as we only started in March, you may be thinking this is not overly impressive. You are right. But our season is just getting started, as the playoffs will be so jam-packed full of action that you’ll need to read this column just to keep up.

This column going to peak so hard in the playoffs before a staggering drop-off in the offseason that you might as well just call it Phil Kessel.

I know you are all very excited for playoff hockey tonight, so let’s not waste any more time.

Trending Up:

1. Playoff Hockey

There’s nothing quite like the NHL playoffs. The NBA finals are great, the NFL postseason is exciting and October baseball is something else, but NHL playoff hockey takes the cake.

For one, the standings mean absolutely nothing. Wild card teams not named the Minnesota Wild have a chance at winning any game. Most games end up in overtime, and most people end up staying up until 3:00 a.m. watching them.

You don’t care for the Anaheim Ducks or San Jose Sharks, but you are going to stay up and watch them play the fourth overtime period of the game because the NHL playoffs make you feel like you are a part of something special. Even if that something happens every night.

The playoffs are also the time to bust out all your favorite rituals and superstitions. Get your favorite unwashed jersey out, put your lucky socks, sit in the goal scoring chair and put your beer in your left hand. Whatever you do, now is the time to give your team as much juju as you can.

I hope you got sleep last night, because you won’t be getting any for the next couple months.

2. Skin Jerseys

Move over, cotton and synthetic fibers, skin is the new go-to jersey material. This man at the Bruins game (who looks oddly similar to myself — but is not me) changed the jersey game forever.

Going tarps-off is synonymous with hockey. Jerseys can be uncomfortable, they aren’t natural, they shrink, they stain, you have to go through the process of lifting them over your head and putting them on. Annoying.

Buddy here has come up with a solution for all of us. Grab a marker, pick any player on your team and go to town. The best part is that you can draw any variation of any jersey you want. Winter classic? sure. Retro jersey? Go for it. Split jersey with two players? Why not. All it takes is a Sharpie and a mirror and you’re set.

If my own lucky jerseys don’t work and the Leafs and Bruins make it to Game 7, you will see me rocking a skin jersey like my man here, with a big bold “Donato” on my back.

3. Good boys!

While his picks may be a little bold and unconventional, this good boy named Buster has as much of a chance as any of us to pick a winning playoff bracket.

Buster picked the Bruins to beat the Leafs, so he’s good in my books. He also teased us by initially touching the Wild before picking the Jets. Even Buster is trolling the Wild! He has some big upsets in his bracket but as we said in the first trend, anything can happen in the NHL playoffs.

Unfortunately for Buster, he’s a Washington Capitals fan. He and every other Caps fan have once again fallen into the “this is our year” annual curse. We can forgive Buster because he’s still a good boy and he deserves a treat for all his hard work. This leads right into our first downwards trend.

Trending Down:

1. Washington Capitals fans

Caps fans! You did it again. You fell for the same trap you fall for every year. “This is it! This is our year!” you’ll all say, until the playoffs begin and you’re left wondering what happened to that team that looked so good during the regular season.

“We came in under the radar this year” you’ll say.  You came in under the radar? By winning the Metro Division? Hmm.

Enjoy Ovechkin. He truly is an amazing talent and seemingly a great person. Unfortunately, the only wins he’ll be picking up this month are Fortnite wins after his team loses in the second round to the Penguins.

You are the San Jose of the East. At best, you’ll make it to the conference final but the longer the charade goes on, the greater the heartbreak will be. Is that what you want? I’m sorry Caps fans. I am truly sorry that every year is “your year.”

2. Winnipeg workplace productivity/Minnesota Wild

It’s a white out in Winnipeg! No, not the weather related kind. The city of Winnipeg is starving for playoff hockey and the world should feel bad for the Minnesota Wild, having to play there in this first game.

The Jets organization has issued a statement to the entire city asking that everyone be excused from dressing like mad-men, as if they think that every organization isn’t going to be acting this way to begin with. As if all of Winnipeg won’t leave work at noon to start partying.

Winnipeg is insane. The people there have had very little to cheer about over the past 20 years, unless they really love having snow from October until May.

The Winnipeg white-outs are legit. You will not see a single person wearing anything but white. This fan base is unbelievably committed to their team. Shout out to my mom and brother, who will be at the game.

Tonight, the MTS center in Winnipeg will be whiter than the crowd at a Coldplay concert.

3. Arena Music

Early this week, upon discovering the EDM remix of the viral “yodeling Walmart kid,” I made a mental note to double down on one of the original jokes from week 1 of this column. I decided to scrap it as I didn’t love it the first time (In week one, we dubbed Sydney McGee’s version of “So Lit Right Now” the next big arena song) and I felt with that, the joke was played out.

However, the St Louis Blues beat me to the joke:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BhT3aybhycy/?taken-by=spittinchiclets

Wow. So here it is, the next big arena song. It is actually so damn catchy.

Betting locks of the night:

Winnipeg (-176) over Minnesota – Pick Winnipeg in all four games of this series. Pick them and bet everything in your account on them and you’ll make a few dollars by the time the series ends. After four games.

Los Angeles (+118) over Vegas – Okay. The Cinderella story ends here, right? What Vegas has done is amazing but can they actually hang with a team in LA that seems to be in contention every year? Probably. But let’s bet against them so we can say “called it” when the Vegas miracle ends.

Bonus Coverage:

I know this column is not to be taken seriously in any capacity, but I’d be remiss not to mention the Humboldt Broncos.

By now you’ve heard the extremely tragic story and I am not going to get into any of the details about it, other than to say that everything about it is heartbreaking. What I will say is how proud I am to be a part of the global hockey community. The outreach and support for these kids and their families from fans, players, communities, teams and everyone else across the world has been nothing short of incredible.

We can raise awareness for a beautiful tribute to the Humboldt Broncos:

If you have a hockey stick, please put it outside your front door. It’s a nice show of support for the Broncos boys.

Next: 10 reasons Stanley Cup Playoffs are better than NBA Playoffs

Humboldt Strong.

Odds from Oddsshark.