Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. If you are still reading this, you are already as hockey deprived as we are.
Have no fear. There is still plenty of news going around the NHL, most of which we skip over in favor of half of the trends included in this column. Weāve taken a brief break from #TavaresWatch to provide you with the
least
most important news from the league this week.
If you read last weekās special NHL awards column, skip the next sentence. Everything Ice-Cold Takes predicted for the NHL awards was correct and accurate and we were personally commended by the NHL for it.
Trending Up
1. John Tavares to the Bruins
No one even thought this was a possibility until about three days ago but alas, here we are. This is like asking Santa for a new teddy bear then finding a Nintendo 64 in your parentsā closet a month before Christmas. You obviously canāt ask them about it, but you are hoping to God that itās yours.
Tavares has listed the Boston Bruins as one of his potential destinations. Given who made said list, itās very clear that he wants to start winning multiple Stanley Cups (Boston, Tampa Bay, San Jose, Toronto, Nashville and the New York Islanders).
Letās break it down. Itās obvious that he only put the Islanders on the list because of his time spent there thus far. While they are making some changes, they arenāt going to win anything anytime soon. Toronto likely only got a visit because Tavares is from the greater Toronto area and the city would implode if they werenāt mentioned in the mix. Two down.
Going deeper: No one actually wants to play in Tampa Bay now that they pump Imagine Dragons through the pre-game speakers, so we can cross them off the list. San Jose is nice but not as good as Nashville, who are really the only true competition for Boston in the Tavares sweepstakes (so Iāve convinced myself).
A personal message to John (who I know reads this): Nashville sucks. No one in Nashville can cook and country music is a second-rate genre that people only listen to in the summer. Also, youāll never win a Stanley Cup with Pekka Rinne.
Tavares needs to end up in Boston and he needs to stay there for the rest of his career as much as I needed that Nintendo 64 to be mine on Christmas morning only minutes after knowing it existed.
2. Willie OāRee
Fine-OāRee! Hockey legend Willie OāRee has finally been inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame. Iām not going to go into much detail on this one, aside from saying that itās about damn time! Fellow FanSider Dave Stevenson covered the story better than I ever could yesterday and Willie himself said what we were all thinking:
3. Whatever the hell this is
I stumbled across this video while casually browsing through Lolo Jonesā tweets, which is not weird because I love her and love is complicated so get off my back about it. Anyway, this new sport is going to take over the track and field world.
Okay. Breaking this amazing video down will give you a better idea of how complicated this is. First, these exercise balls are expensive. This is a costly video and would also take a long time to set up. Kudos to this crew for putting in the time.
Second, if youāve ever sat, stood or rolled on one of these balls, you know how difficult it is to stay balanced. This takes so much focus, concentration and core strength that the more I thought about it, the more my entire body started to hurt. That being said, you will see me floating on these exercise balls across Goodlife Fitness in the near future.
I know this has nothing to do with hockey but itās the offseason and I canāt stop watching this video.
Trending Down
1. This very angry Ottawa Senators fan
The Senators are a hot mess right now. The organization is in shambles. Their best player wants out after having to deal with an unthinkable situation. Fans and former players hate the owner. The owner refuses to spend money. Season ticket holders arenāt renewing their seats because of the direction the team is going. There is probably more going on, but you get the picture.
This Ottawa Senators fan is upset. Perhaps it is a culmination of everything going on with the organization, but it is the least of the Sensā problems that sets him off.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BkflMElBJBN/
Buddy. Read a paper. You have a little more to worry about than your team drafting Brady Tkachuk. Someone be with this kid at all times because when Erik Karlsson gets traded heās going off the rails for good.
2. Hockey parents of the past
Hockey parents have been known to take things a little far on some occasions, but most NHLers will tell you it was all worth it when they made the show. The standard has changed, parents. If your child is not playing hockey in the crib, itās probably too late:
PSA to all hockey parents: Starting them young now means letting your one-year-old go to bed with a hard plastic mini-stick. This is probably safe, right? Canāt be worse than Brendan Gallagher, who still sleeps in a crib and was breastfeeding until he turned 25. Maybe that is true, maybe it isnāt (it isnāt).
3. Darcy Oake
Damn. I really didnāt want to have to write this because I love magic but Darcy Oake pulled off an incredible trick right up until the ending. The big finish just wasnāt in the cards for Oake, son of legendary Canadian sportscaster Scott Oake.
The reveal is the most important part of any magic trick. Iām assuming this particular trick is extremely complex and we definitely understood what happened at the end, but anything less than perfection is just not good enough.
To make matters worse, Darcy got snubbed on the hand shake by Anze Kopitar. His sleight of hand was just a second too slow to convince us that he wasnāt going for the congratulatory shake.
Youāre still incredible, Darcy. If anything, this probably boosted your clout. (See: anyone who has made a mistake in the Twitter era.)
Next: Which NHL mascot would you want with you in a bar fight?
Thatās all for this week. The betting column has been put on hold until October to allow all the betting sites to recoup the money we took from them (or the other way around, whatever). If you see or hear of anything that should be included in these summer columns (Thanks, Jenna!), hit me on Twitter @TheRealBruin.
Until next week, keep your head up!