Ice Cold Takes: Kendall Coyne Schofield is as fast as the weather is cold

Ice Cold Takes is a humor column about what is trending in the NHL. The only NHL column in which the content matches the current weather.

We’re just over two months away from NHL playoff hockey. It’s February tomorrow and the NHL playoff picture is starting to take form. Now that the all-star break is over, trade talks begin. This year’s trade bait is looking pretty tasty (I’m talking about you, Panarin).

Speaking of trades, Jake Muzzin was traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs. They were able to perform this trade without touching any of their young, talented players, which people are saying is incredible! It isn’t, but let’s just let them run with the over-hype of Jake Muzzin for a while.

The Bruins bye week came the week before the all-star break. This was ideal for them but horrible for me as I hadn’t watched hockey in a solid two weeks. Thankfully, everything is back to normal now.

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Kendall Coyne Schofield

You might remember Kendall from the 2018 Winter Olympics. She was the American player who was so damn fast she was blurry on any TV that didn’t have 4K resolution. She showed up at the NHL all-star skills competition this past weekend to put any doubters in their place.

That’s ridiculous. Some people don’t even drive that fast. Coyne Schofield finished with a time of 14.376, which was only one second behind the NHL’s fastest man, Connor McDavid. She was on par with Cam Atkinson and faster than Clayton Keller. It’s time to open up the skills competition to the rest of the women in the sport.

NHL Bromance

Gritty and Philadelphia Flyers captain Claude Giroux are going to be cast in a Step Brothers remake. Instead of “Boats and Hoes” it’ll be “Goalies and Woes.” The best thing to come out of the Flyers camp this year has been Gritty, and he continues to kill it.

Not many things are going right for the Flyers, but they still have Claude Giroux and Gritty. They also finally have a starting goaltender. Carter Hart has lived up to the hype so far. Had the Flyers listened to me and started the season with Hart, or even put him in as their second, third, fourth or fifth goaltender, they might still be contending for a playoff spot.

Useless stat of the day: Carter Hart became the youngest goalie in Flyers history to enjoy a four game win-streak.

Trent f*****g Frederic 

He will be known by no other name from now on. Bruins prospect Trent f*****g Frederic entered the NHL swinging (literally) against the Winnipeg Jets on Tuesday night. If there’s one thing Bruins fans love and appreciate most about incoming players, it’s a willingness to fight.

The only thing better than the beat down itself was Frederic’s parents in the crowd, visibly fired up about their sons first NHL fight. So fired up, in fact, that they hilariously botched a high-five attempt. Don’t worry, Frederic’s. You’ll have plenty more chances at getting that right. I don’t think this kid is going anywhere soon. He looks way too good in the black and gold.

https://twitter.com/mkmolnar/status/1090426127838048257

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Jimmy Fallon

Look, we can appreciate a good Mick Jagger impersonation but Jimmy – you’re the only person cheering for the Rangers this season (and in this clip). Not sure how I feel about the light up glasses, or where they fit into the bit.

The Polar Vortex 

Is it cold out? Oh. I hadn’t noticed. It’s not like every person has cold weather-related posts plastered all over their social media platforms or anything. Nothing unites a group of people online like talking about the weather. Even President Trump tweeted about it, asking what this means for global warming (Yikes… Not touching that one).

Unrelated: Can we bring back Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Just one episode. Make it a presidential edition. Thanks.

This happens every winter. A cold snap that gets weather forecasters all excited to go outside and throw buckets of hot water up in the air to make little steam clouds. People love for this. “Oh my god! STEAM! It must be so cold out, I better tell all my friends on Facebook.” You’ll also have a lot of people in the “This? This is nothing” camp that can not wait to tell you about that one time 15 years ago when it was even colder and the snow was piled up higher than people’s houses and everyone worked outside and braved the cold.

Easy there, Jim. You’ve been an accountant for 25 years. We’re not buying your stories. It’s cold out. If you feel the need to tell us what we already know, at least have some fun with it:

The Columbus Blue Jackets fan

Sorry, Blue Jackets fan, but Artemi Panarin isn’t going to sign an extension until the season is over, which means he’s likely gone. Panarin’s agent announced on Monday that there would be no extension talks until after the season.

The Breadman currently has 19 goals and 37 assists. The Blue Jackets are in 3rd place in the Metropolitan Division and are looking exactly like past Jackets teams – lined up perfectly for a first round playoff exit.

General Manager Jarmo Kekalainen said the Jackets wouldn’t necessarily move him at the deadline in hopes that they could resign him (and Bobrovski) in the offseason. That’s like me saying I would hold off on marriage in case Jennifer Lopez showed up at my door to ask me out on a date. Sorry bud, the dream is over.

Until next week, stay warm and keep your head up.