Ice Cold Takes: Mitch Marner is gone, Carey Price’s thong, roasting Florida

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column about what is trending in the NHL. The only pro-Mitch Marner column left in Canada.

Well, that didn’t take long. We’re only a week into the NHL offseason and Toronto already hates Mitch Marner. The player Canadian media touted as the greatest of all time in February should suddenly be content signing for Brayden Point-money. Wave goodbye, Toronto. He’s as good as gone.

The Islanders are the luckiest, most spoiled fan base in the NHL. They had nine seasons of John Tavares, complained when he left then had an even better season without him. Now, they’ll exact their revenge on Toronto by landing a guy who is (by Leafs Twitter standards) better than Tavares when they hand Marner an offer sheet that Leafs GM Kyle Dubas won’t be able to match. It’s insane. You Islanders fans are a bunch of whiny babies if you ever complain about Tavares again.

Oh. Wait. Was there something else I was supposed to mention? Something big that happened in the last week?

Why dwell on the past? It feels like the NHL season ended months ago. The offseason is well underway and there is so much to talk about. As a forward thinking column, we’re going to focus on the future and not jump back a week to a certain result of a certain game that a certain someone was in attendance for.

Kidding. Let’s start off the column by addressing the elephant in the room. Yes, the Boston Bruins lost the Stanley Cup Final and yes, I went to Boston to see it happen (once again, a huge thank you to Aunt Marlene and Uncle Denis). The city was electric, the atmosphere was incredible and every single Bruins fan and player in attendance knew the Bruins were going to win. Until that second goal went in with seven seconds left in the first period.

Congratulations to Uncle Bob Plager, Laila Anderson, and no one else. Shout out to everyone I met in the city of champions. See you all back in Boston for next year’s Stanley Cup Final.

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Angela Price 

When Carey Price forgot his pocket square before heading to the NHL awards, his wife Angela came up clutch with a last-minute solution. Take a very close look at Price’s pocket square in this picture. Is it just me, or does it look a little risque?

It’s actually one of Angela’s thongs. She explained the quick fix in her Instagram story last night before heading to bed early. Posting this on Instagram while announcing that you’re heading to bed at 11in Vegas is also an A+ move. 30-year-olds will get this. We love you Angela. Carey, you are still a rival but it’s hard to dislike you when you do really cool stuff like this.

Great person. Great goalie. Can’t wait until he plays for a better team.

Barry Trotz 

Step aside noted hot dog lover Phil Kessel! Barry Trotz is coming for the title of top NHL food guy and he’s off to a hell of a start. Trotz received the Jack Adams Trophy for coach of the year after taking the Islanders from the bottom of the league to first in the Metro division a year after losing their best player. A well deserved award. Trotz also couldn’t (or didn’t care to) find someone to hold his burger at the time of accepting.

https://www.instagram.com/p/By72mbEhl0K/

It’s a boss move to bring a burger up on stage accept an award. Trotz is on a mission. He knows he’s going on a 24-hour Vegas bender after winning this and landing Mitch Marner (all but locked in) so getting a good base is key. Bread soaks up alcohol better than anything. Trotz probably had seven or eight of those burgers during the show. Have a time, Barry.

Auston Matthews 

Toronto’s new top-dog (with Marner out of the picture) is Auston Matthews. The NHL made that clear when they announced him as their cover athlete for their NHL 20 game. Still not sure why they gave him those weird Sonic the Hedgehog teeth for the picture, though.

Is it just me, or does the picture look off? There’s something meme-ish about his face. This is the face you make when you’re up to no good. When you sneak an extra pack of Dunkaroos into your lunch box. When you tell your wife you’re only going to stay for one more. When it’s game 7 against the Bruins so you pre-booked your trip to the Bahamas.

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Florida Panthers 

This is a bad look for the Panthers. Their future star calling out the attendance is a good sign that things won’t go smoothly come contract time. Or, it could just be a funny joke. Way to show out, Finland!

https://www.instagram.com/p/By6boJPB6Vq/

Barkov is a great dude. He seems like the type that will be loyal to his squad as well. If anything, this is a chance for the people of Florida to be better hockey fans. I know that’s still a tough ask, but the games are basically free there and your team is pretty good! People pay well over $250 a ticket in Canada to watch teams that are awful. Appreciate what you have.

Side note: Every time I see or hear something about Aleksander Barkov it takes a second to remember he’s from Finland and not Russia. Even in writing this, I googled it to make sure.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Kenan Thompson did a great job hosting the NHL Awards in Vegas on Wednesday night. One of the best parts of the show was definitely when he really dug in on the Tampa Bay Lightning. What a rough night for the small handful of Florida hockey fans!

Hell of a season, Tampa, too bad you got exactly nothing out of it!

The other teachers at my wife’s school 

After the Bruins lost game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final at home, the people I regularly speak to were generally pleasant. Most waited a day or two to rub it in. My wife, on the other hand, got it far worse than I did. I know it’s nearing the end of June and teachers are on edge at the moment but wow, are you guys ever mean!

No matter. We’re already on to 2020. I’ll hang on to those beers to pour into my homemade Stanley Cup next year when the Bruins win. You’re all invited.

Keep your head up.