Phil Kessel’s Pennsylvania mansion looks exactly the way you think it would

Phil Kessel’s Pennsylvania mansion is up for sale and it’s probably the most Phil Kessel-esque thing you’ll see this summer.

For a cool $2.1 million, you can live in a house once inhabited by hockey royalty. Phil Kessel’s mansion, located in Marshall PA, is currently listed on Realtor.com. The house is probably very close to how Phil left it – minimally decorated, mostly empty and… weird.

Kessel listed the house just over a week ago. After his trade to the Coyotes (for Alex Galchenyuk) he’ll be looking into Arizona real estate. Surely, Phil can nab a nice big place near one of the many high-end golf courses the copper state has to offer.

Kessel’s Pennsylvania house features five bedrooms, seven bathrooms, a huge game room, bar, three car garage and a massive basement. The one room that had everyone talking, though, was Phil’s theater room. Like Phil Kessel himself, it looks a little lonely.

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There’s no more entertaining person in the NHL than Phil Kessel, whether he wants to be or not. His interviews, the stories about him, his ability to stay production while looking like your average beer league teammate and now, his ex-mansion, are all talking points for hockey fans. Give this man his own documentary. Let’s have a full offseason of watching Phil sit around and enjoy his summer. Give us a season of 24/7, but instead of leading up to the Winter Classic, it’s just Phil eating hot dogs and watching movies.

What else was in Phil’s house?

Here are a few things we expect to be moving with him to Arizona:

A hot dog stand, obviously. He probably has a street meat vendor cart staffed full-time. I’d like to imagine, in my perfect Phil world, that every room is set up like this one; one chair in an otherwise empty room. Each room also features a PA system in which he can call for hot dogs.

Phil’s new yard will have a putting green, even though he’ll never use it. He’s an avid golfer so installing the green is a no-brainer, but really, who has the time to spend out there in yard putting? Plus, the last time he went out golfing, he nailed that 15-footer, so does he really need to practice? It’s a fun addition to the property and would make for a good drinking game with friends, if Phil ever invited any of them over.

The name “Kessel” can’t be brought up without mentioning Amanda as well. Phil definitely has a shrine to Amanda in one of his extra bedrooms. His ultra-successful sister is also a hockey star and she and Phil were likely pretty competitive growing up. This is why there’s no way he designed the room himself. He paid someone to come in and hang some pictures of Amanda. Nothing too nice because, you know, sibling rivalry.

Phil absolutely has a collection of infomercial fitness machines. The old ab cruncher everyone’s mother had, the improved version – the Ab Doer 360 (the twisty thing), a fit board and various Bowflex machines he forgot to return within the 90 day trial period. Throw in a can of Flex Seal because hey, who doesn’t want to have a boat with a screen door bottom.

The virtual tour

Let’s go back to Phil’s old house for a second. No one wants to feed a fed horse on the whole “Phil is a strange dude” discussion, but there are a few things worth discussing here. First, Phil Kessel has a personalized Mariah Carey Glitter poster in his theater room.

I can all but guarantee Phil has never seen this movie. Has anyone? Kessel got this from Mariah after meeting her at some famous person party and thinking it would be a hilarious addition to the three other posters in the room: Rounders, Wedding Crashers and The Godfather. Kessel, a genius, knew this would throw us all into a tailspin trying to figure out why this poster even exists. Phil and Mariah probably joked about how awful Glitter was (a safe assumption?) which led to her throwing the “favorite movie” quote in there.

OR! Phil Kessel is a massive Mariah Carey fan and the only person besides her who loved the movie Glitter. Is that really a stretch, given what we know about Phil? It’s plausible that this is legit and Kessel watches Glitter  on repeat during all his summer down time.

The second best part about Phil’s house is the wine storage room. This room has the capacity to store enough wine to get every 30-some-year-old mother in Pennsylvania smashed for a week, but it’s about as empty as his summer workout calendar. He has more Baileys than wine in his wine cellar, which only adds to the aura that is Phil Kessel.

Having mannequins dressed in Phil’s Olympic Team USA gear is actually pretty cool, but imagine seeing them late at night while going to the washroom? There’s no way I’m remembering these are mannequins and every way I’m thinking there are intruders in my house.

Finally, who signed this paddle? Whoever enhanced the Glitter poster should get to work on this. The ping pong paddle must be signed by someone pretty special to be up in Phil’s office instead of down in the ping pong room.

Remember: Phil Kessel Day is August 1st. Be sure to add Glitter to your Phil Kessel Day itinerary.