Celebrate Valentine’s Day with our favorite Kiss Cam catastrophes

PDA isn’t for everyone, but at sporting events, we demand it! Here are the best and worst moments Kiss Cam has ever given us. Let’s cringe together!

To best understand one of the quirks of American sports culture, let’s go back to a place and time where cheese oozed out of one of the coolest places on earth: California in the 1970s. It was a time where every man was rocking a sweet pair of unnecessary sideburns, the women hadn’t discovered Aquanet yet and multi-purpose stadiums were all the rage. You can play baseball AND football here! Groovy!

It was around this time when the Oakland Raiders committed to excellence, the Oakland Athletics committed to facial hair, Rick Barry committed to granny shots with Golden State and the California Golden Seals were a very real thing. Around this time, California also gave us three sports culture phenomenons: the wave, the San Diego Chicken and you guessed it: Kiss Cam!

Yes, Kiss Cam allegedly came into being around this time. One day, some dude named Dave is dominating a Dodger Dog while cheering on Don Sutton. Next thing he knows, he’s on this jumbotron expected to kiss a girl with Farrah Fawcett hair on their first date. Too bad he’s got an absurd amount of mustard in his epic ‘stache and Farrah wants no part of this in Chavez Ravine.

Four or five decades later, the Raiders have moved three times, the A’s still call that dump of a stadium home, Barry remains an underhand truther and an anthropomorphic shark in a teal sweater tries to entertain us on ice, distracting us from Bay Area Stanley Cup absences. All the while, we still pucker up for Kiss Cam and enjoy every cringe-worthy second of it.

So what I’m going to do is highlight some of the best, and/or worst, moments Kiss Cam has ever given us. Yours truly will give said smooching maneuver a clever nickname because who doesn’t love nicknames? And to better explain what happened in this Kiss Cam triumphant success or embarrassing failure, I’ll break it down as your favorite color commentators would on TV.?

The Reverse (Cris Collinsworth w/Al Michaels)

“So here’s a guy who took his talents to South Beach. He thinks this spicy silver-haired señorita with a sweet pair of shades resting atop her head is into his buff South Floridian physique. Turns out, she’s not into Jay Glazer look-alikes and gives him the stiff arm. Ouch, but this is Florida and we’ve seen crazier things happen. I know because I went to school there.”

“Then, with the passion of a thousand Gloria Estefan songs, Jay catches the woman to his right’s heart-shaped earrings and it was 75 yards to pay dirt!”

“You see, Al, he took what the defense gave him. He was denied going to his left but he never lost faith. He trusted his blockers and pulled off the reverse marvelously. It might have been excessive tongue celebration, but what a play!” “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!!!”

The Blonde-side Block (Tony Romo w/Jim Nantz)

“Oh, I don’t know, Jim. It doesn’t seem like Chad is interested in making out with Miss Blonde. I’ve seen this before, Jim. You see he’s got his hat on backward and he’s pretending to talk on his phone like he’s trying to tell the Uber driver that he’s on his way.”

“Oh no, Jim, that’s not good. He’s not interested in entering the game of love, Jim. But you know what? I’ve seen this before. Watch closely. Oh, boy. I know what’s about to happen. Oh, this is gonna be a good one, Jim.”

“See, she knows she’s got help coming from the blindside. It’s why she’s not humiliated by Chad chatting away on his phone. She saw Puff the Magic Dragon coming in with a nice cold bucket of justice to save the day. It took a long time to develop, but what a play in a clutch moment from the mascot. You don’t get that at kind of action at The Masters, now do ya, Jim?” “Hello, friends!”

Smooch 2 Y Banana (Jon Gruden)

“I tell you what, man. You ever been to one of those Denver Nuggets games at the Pepsi Center? It gets pretty wild, man. I think it’s the altitude or something but stuff can get pretty crazy up there.”

“You think you’re going to watch a basketball game with your family. Next thing you know, you’re playing tonsil hockey with your wife next to your kid. It happens faster than you can say Smooch 2 Y Banana.”

“Junior thought he was going to watch a basketball game with his family, man. Instead, he got to watch his parents recreate that scene from Dumb and Dumber. You know, the one where Lloyd is making out with Mary Samsonite in his dream, man. That’s some crazy stuff, man. Mary Christmas!”

The Edible (John Madden w/Pat Summerall)

“Kiss Cam is like a well-designed play, but one where you don’t know what’s about to happen. One minute, you’re eating some pizza and then BOOM! the camera goes to the couple in front of you. But you’re still enjoying your pizza, so you just keep going. (FOUR TO FIVE SECONDS OF INAUDIBLE LAUGHTER).

And then POW! you just made a big-time play when it wasn’t designed for you. That’s what we can a perfectly called edible at the line of snackage. A slice of cheese pizza might not be as delicious as a turducken, but that’s what it’s all about! “Oh, no. There’s a man down.”

The Fumbled Snap (Booger McFarland)

“Sometimes when you got to a sporting event, they will put the camera on you when the game is not going on. Usually, when the camera goes to you, you’re either supposed to get loud, dance or kiss. And because this is Kiss Cam, you’re supposed to kiss the person next to you. It’s a good thing when you are either dating that person or you like that person, but you have to be careful.”

“When you got to a sporting event to watch a game, sometimes you like to drink a beer to help you get a little more relaxed. But when you are on Kiss Cam, you either need to finish your drink or put it down. What happened here was a fumbled snap on the Kiss Cam. The woman didn’t finish her beer or put it down and instead poured it on the other couples’ heads. This was not good.”

Rumbling, Tumbling, Stumbling (Chris Berman)

“30 seconds left on the clock with first and goal to go. Rocket Man goes in for the kiss and then BOOM! He is denied at the goal line by the Rocket Queen, oh yeah! He tries a teddy bear sneak on second down and then WHOOP! Denied again, bringing third-and-goal. He goes with the popcorn, but it all goes rumbling, tumbling, stumbling to the floor, bringing up fourth-and-goal.

“Elton John then lines up for a field goal but is iced by the icy Rocket Queen. Fate would have it that Rocket Man is saved by the bell Kelly Kapowski style on fourth down. Kapowski looks at him like the Houston Zack Morris he is and HE. COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY. TOUCHDOWN. HOUSTON!

And there you have it. Some of the best moments Kiss Cam has ever given us by some of the best to ever call games. Hopefully, their insight in breaking down these Kiss Cams taught you something or you were at least entertained. So if you’re in a happy relationship, that’s wonderful. If not, find yourself someone who loves you as much as American sports culture loves Kiss Cam!