Things that will definitely happen on the NBA all-player conference call

The NBA and NBPA are planning a conference call with every player in the league. Here are some ridiculous things that are definitely, probably going to happen.

On Friday, the NBA and the NBA Player’s Association will reportedly hold a conference call with commissioner Adam Silver, union director Michele Roberts and all the league’s players. The timing of the call coincides with the league allowing teams the option of reopening facilities for voluntary workouts. According to ESPN, “The call with Silver and Roberts is intended to be an open forum for players to address any concerns or ask questions, sources said.”

If you’ve had the disorienting experience of being on a conference call with dozens of people, you can probably imagine the potential pitfalls of a call with nearly 500 participants, most of whom may not have much direct daily experiencing in conferencing technology platforms. The fact that’s it not just a call but an open forum to ask questions and share concerns sets the stage for all sorts of ridiculous hijinx. Here are a few things that will definitely, probably happen.

Someone’s line isn’t muted and there’s a lawnmower running loudly in the background. Silver keeps asking everyone to mute their lines. The lawnmower just keeps running.

Kyrie Irving asks a surprisingly insightful question about the flaws of cubic projection models. His follow-up question is whether the league has explored using the healing power of turquoise crystals to spiritual sanitize the practice facilities.

Dwight Howard keeps cracking himself up by unmuting his line and farting loudly into the phone. No one else is amused.

When Robin Lopez asks his question about restrictions on head coaches attending voluntary workouts, everyone can hear the Sylvester Stallone classic Cliffhanger playing in the background.

James Johnson is quarantining in Wyoming and the signal there isn’t great. He keeps dropping the call and then every time he dials back that weird robot voice says “James Johnson has joined the call.” This becomes a running joke next year with Johnson in Minnesota — every time he comes in the game, D’Angelo Russell says “James Johnson has joined the game” in a loud, flat monotone.

Everyone agrees next time they should run the call by Zoom instead of by phone so they can all see Zach LaVine’s dog.

Chris Paul begins all of his questions and answers with, “As your two-time, elected, NBPA president…”

Joel Embiid talks, uninterrupted, for several minutes. Adam Silver sighs deeply.

The conversation kind of fades out but Silver doesn’t want to end the call prematurely. There are a few lengthy, quiet pauses. Silver and Roberts both start to say some version of “Unless there are any more questions…” at the same time and then both stop, doing that awkward dance where they offer space for the other to speak. Draymond Green is the first to leave the meeting.