MLB updates St. Louis Cardinals’ schedule and it’s confusing as heck

The MLB has given us an update on the St. Louis Cardinals’ schedule.

It’s summer and we shouldn’t have to think, yet the St. Louis Cardinals and the MLB don’t care.

In the midst of a 60-game, coronavirus-shortened season, the Cardinals have played a grand total of five games since late July. They might be hitting .400 like Charlie Blackmon is for the Colorado Rockies in terms of games played, but seemingly every other team has played somewhere between 15 and 20 games already. Thankfully, the Cardinals will be playing again this weekend.

On Friday, the MLB sent out a memo explaining how the Cardinals will play catch-up by way of doubleheaders with the Chicago White Sox, the Chicago Cubs, the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Milwaukee Brewers. So if you play in the AL Central or NL Central this year, expect to play two pretty much every time you play the Cardinals the rest of the way. Let’s play two, Let’s play two!

Here’s the St. Louis Cardinals’ summer school plan to pass the third grade

David Essex might rock on into his 70s, but the Cardinals are 100 percent getting the Billy Madison treatment this summer. The only problem is there will no pool parties for this team that loves going to casinos and getting haircuts when they’re sick and not telling anyone. So let’s all try to do our best about trying to not get any dumber about hearing how the puppies who lost their way.

Okay…so the Cardinals will resume play on Saturday, Aug. 15 by playing a doubleheader with the White Sox at Guaranteed Rate Field on the Southside. Then they’ll play their regularly scheduled game on Sunday, Aug. 16 to get them to three games vs. the White Sox for eight games played on the season. See, simple math one who passes the third grade can do. R.O.C.K. The C is silent.

To make up for the three games that were postponed against the Cubs from Aug. 7-9, the NL Central rivals will play them as parts of doubleheaders being played on Aug. 17, Aug. 19 and Sept. 5. The first game of each doubleheader will be counted as a home game for the Cubs, while the second game will be viewed as a home game for the Cardinals, no matter where the game is played.

So that’s like six more games to be added to the Cardinals’ ledger. Five plus three plus six is 14? It’s summer, so why do I have to use my brain? Now, it’s about to get even more confusion as we try to make sense of complete and utter nonsense involving the Cardinals, the Pirates and the Twins. Deep sigh. Okay, let’s go…

To make up for the three-game series with the terrible Buccos that was originally scheduled from Aug. 10-12, it will be made up as a part of two doubleheaders coming at two different times. So to get three, we’ll have to do two plus two is four, and not five, because this isn’t some 1984 Orwellian nightmare unless that’s what we’re going to chalk 2020 up to in its entirety. Why not?

The first doubleheader between the Cardinals and Pirates will be played on Aug. 27 in St. Louis on what was an originally scheduled off-day for both teams. I guess they’re cool with playing two games on off-day because does anybody know what time it is anymore? They’ll play the second doubleheader on Sept. 18 in Pittsburgh with the Cardinals serving as the home team in Game 2.

If your head hurts, you’re not alone in this rescheduling endeavor. Don’t worry, we’ll get through this. Who does No. 2 work for? We’ll show those Birds who’s boss! So when the Cardinals are playing the Twins on Sept. 8, they will play a doubleheader in Minneapolis to give the Cardinals a day off. So two and two is one now. We don’t even know what to do about the Detroit Tigers yet.

Congratulations, you have successfully passed the third grade, so rock on, Redbirds!