Dream-casting the Home Run Derby: Kyle Schwarber, Shohei Ohtani and more

I love home runs. Home runs are love, home runs are life, my Boston Red Sox being dead-last in home runs for the 2026 season is profoundly distressing. What is the point of baseball if you can’t see a dude launch a ball into the night sky and go “ooh, aah” while it soars into the pitch-black heavens and then breaks a car’s windshield? 

Thankfully, MLB agrees, and has organized the most popular part of All-Star Weekend around home runs being absolutely awesome. And thankfully for them, I am #available to be the official MLB Home Run Derby Awesomeness Consultant, ready to ensure that only the best and coolest sluggers compete in the eight-man bracket to see who is the absolute best baseball bomber presently performing. And despite this being a completely fictional exercise, I am excluding Munetaka Murakami and Aaron Judge due to injury; just know they would have absolutely made the list if I could turn off injuries in settings.

First, a few teensy-tiny format innovations while I’m working billable hours: Last year, the Derby was awesome, but it was also way too long. On TV, it felt like it took 18 hours with all the timeouts, bonus rounds, commercial breaks and everything else. Would anyone be mad if we cut the whole thing in half from three minutes and 40 pitches to 90 seconds and 20? Go discuss that in a breakout room. Now, onto the participants.

Last four out: Matt Olson, Ben Rice, Byron Buxton, Colson Montgomery

DH Kyle Schwarber, Philadelphia Phillies

One of three non-negotiables, Schwarbomb must be on this roster if we are going to have any kind of self-respect with our Home Run Derby. In the pantheon of dudes you do not want to see in the box with the bases loaded, Schwarber is up there. He’s cooled off from him 65+-homer pace, but we can’t not have him in this field, especially in his home park. Someone send the car.

DH Yordan Alvarez, Houston Astros

Another non-negotiable and a guy who must be on any list of Best Hitters Currently Alive. He and Bobby Witt Jr. are going to throw down for the AL MVP, but Alvarez is among the best quality-contact-creators we’ve ever seen. Get him in the Derby, no further questions.

DH Shohei Ohtani, Los Angeles Dodgers

Third and final non-negotiable, and unfortunately the one that almost certainly won’t happen. The Dodgers are rightly careful with Ohtani’s workload, but come on man can we pleeeeeease have Ohtani in the Derby? He’s the coolest player in the sport. No, I’m not going to stop calling.

OF/DH James Wood, Washington Nationals

Part of a young duo making up the middle of the order in Washington, Wood is our replacement for the hulking presence of Aaron Judge — since we need someone who’s at least 6-foot-6 and 230+ pounds in the Derby. It’s a rule. Wood is an elite slugger with his whole career ahead of him; seems like a good time to show him off to the world.

1B Nick Kurtz, Athletics

Fun fact: when you chart every hitter ever (I did), Kurtz in 2026 tracks as one of the most effective power hitters of all time. You could make the case that he is also non-negotiable, but I’m just bracing for the Mickey Mouse ballpark allegations. They’re coming.

OF Oneil Cruz, Pittsburgh Pirates

If we can put Cruz in the Home Run Derby in seasons where he struggles, surely we can get him in the Derby now that he's playing like a fringe All-Star campaign replete with his usual one-of-one exit velocities and jaw-dropping physical tools. He hit a 513-foot home run in last year’s Derby, I mean … just call the guy.

OF Juan Soto, New York Mets

Soto is arguably too good an overall hitter to get mentioned as a Derby specialist, but he’s a former winner who just happens to be more known for being among the most effective offensive players in the history of the game. I don’t see any reason why we can’t have one of the most effective offensive players in the history of the game, do you? 

3B Junior Caminero, Tampa Bay Rays

This was the bubble spot. Caminero brings a totally unique swing to the Derby that I think will spice things up — it’s flat but absurdly powerful, and it’s kind of funny to have a member of Tampa Bay Rays, who do not hit home runs, out here at the home run contest.

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