Ranking every 0-2 team by likelihood of breaking history and making the playoffs

(flips around chair) So you started out 0-2. Things look bleak, hopeless really. Nothing is going how it looked in the preseason hype videos on YouTube; you simply haven’t been the Super Bowl favorite your chosen podcaster said you would be. Just over 10 percent of 0-2 teams make the playoffs, and only three have made the Super Bowl. You may think there’s no hope, but there is. There is always hope. 

Okay, well … there is always hope except for the first two teams on this list. That 10 percent figure will probably increase the longer we have the 17 (or 18) game schedule and a longer runway to turn things around. The 2007 New York Giants were 0-2 and beat the 16-0 New England Patriots to win it all! Please enjoy, ranked from worst to best chance of turning things around. You can do it … maybe! 

8. Atlanta Falcons

Unless the Falcons make some shocking quarterback trade or Michael Penix Jr. is way better than I think he is, I see no avenue for this squadron to make the playoffs. The goal right now is to get out of hell itself, given this has been the worst two-week Falcons PR disaster since they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. I don’t think this could possibly get worse than that, but like … 0-16 might be worse than that.

7. Miami Dolphins

I’m less angered by the Dolphins and more understanding. This is the dictionary definition of a lost season; they do not have the talent or the payroll to compete in the National Football League but are being forced to for cruel and unusual reasons. They still have four more games on the schedule against the Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots and play the ever-intimidating NFC North as well. There is no path for the Dolphins to make the playoffs. 

6. Washington Commanders

Things are not necessarily cooked in Washington but they are definitely preheating the oven. As of this writing, all I know about Jayden Daniels’ elbow injury is that he dislocated but did not break it — I don’t know what that means for his availability, but it doesn’t sound great. Even if he does play, this defense is so lost that I don’t love their chances regardless — they were getting baptized by Ceedee Lamb today. Baptized I say.

5. Los Angeles Chargers

Yeah, I put the Tennessee Titans ahead of the Chargers in terms of chance to make the playoffs. Why? They play in the AFC West, which looks strong, and check out their next seven games; I’m pretty sure 0-9 is not a good way to start your Super Bowl run:

4. Tennessee Titans

They’re not, like, good, but they were reasonably competitive against the Philadelphia Eagles and currently sit in a division with no 2-0 teams to speak of. They aren’t better than the Chargers on paper, but they have an easier path. Who knows what chicanery could come of this AFC South race?

3. Indianapolis Colts

Daniel Jones has been surprisingly good coming off an Achilles tear, and Jonathan Taylor and that offensive line remain a major strength. But their defense is simply not playing up to the level required to go and get the gettable AFC South — remember, they traded two first-round picks for Sauce Gardner; that's not something you do when you're maybe a playoff team.

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Color me concerned. The Cleveland Browns looked legally dead against the Jacksonville Jaguars in Week 1 and then legally defeated the Bucs in Week 2. I still don’t know what to do with Tampa Bay, though, given their first game was close despite massive turnover issues and the second had a 2+ hour delay due to hurricane weather. The thing is, though, both teams play on the same field, and losing to the Browns is not something that will be tolerated. Talent-wise, they have it. Schedule-wise, they’re fine. Results-wise? Much to do. 

1. Houston Texans

I mean, no one else was going to be number one. The Texans have a roster capable of winning the Super Bowl but a season from hell that is getting out of hand quick. C.J. Stroud’s 353 passing yards produced a smooth six points against a Cincinnati Bengals defense that simply would not break. No QB should ever throw 55 passes in a game, but the Texans looked unable to and uninterested in running the football, managing 18 total carries across all their backs, Stroud and one Jaylin Noel carry. When your QB throws 55 passes and leads the team in rushing? We have work to do on offense.

Still, the Texans came within inches of beating the Buffalo Bills and Josh Allen, who looked unstoppable against the Detroit Lions on Thursday Night Football. There is obviously something here, but we’re going to have to find it ASAP.

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