25 NBA players who can help you survive a zombie apocalypse

1. Kobe

From Shaq to a lesser Laker. The last guy on this list has to be Kobe Bryant.

Yeah, he has his heroics. Yeah, he will compete until his last breath. Maybe his loveless drive toward his own goals is exactly what we need in a world forsaken.

But that’s not why we have Kobe. Sure, if he’s kept in the back and not given room to do too much himself he might still have some value to the team in select moments. That’s great and all. But what’s better is that if we have Kobe, we have his fanboys.

I won’t mince words; we need human shields. I don’t mean that I or you or Kobe are going to sacrifice them forcefully. I’m saying that his abiding hordes would probably just throw themselves in front of him to make sure he was okay. I think about 15 percent of Los Angeles would take a zombie bite to the face just to make sure Kobe didn’t get a scratch.

Next: Dennis Schroder will save the Atlanta Hawks...eventually

Let’s use that to our advantage.

It’s kind of sad, to be honest. Since Kobe retired, all life has seemed to leave their eyes. They just stare off into the distance. They skulk around L.A. with their Kobe jerseys on not knowing where to go. They don’t eat. I don’t think they sleep.

They’re mostly harmless unless something bad is said about Kobe. If they hear a disparaging word, they just attack. There’s no purpose or aim. They attack. And attack and attack. So you either fight or you submit.

It’s going to get worse over time. As the years pass, the myth of Kobe will succumb to the numbers, and the numbers won’t be especially kind to the Mamba.

And the fanboys won’t like that. Reality itself will be their enemy. And they’ll attack us because we’re real. And we’ll either keep fighting or submit.

Oh.

Oh god.

…

This is how it starts, isn’t it? The Mambies are coming.