NBA playoff hot take rankings: A Morris-twin swap and LaMarcus Aldridge is garbage

Playoff season brings quite a bit of attention to the NBA. There are more eyes on the games, and fewer teams to focus on. This means heat and pressure. Things get combustible. For people looking to proselytize some unique opinion, they need to try really hard to make their own space. That means occupying ground not really worth occupying. This means takes that burn.

This isn’t something to celebrate. In general, the healthiest approach is to laugh and pat yourself on the back from a safe distance. Otherwise you might get caught in the backdraft yourself.

In an effort to help you stay informed and un-singed, I’ve decided to collect some of the hottest take in a hot take box. It’s not an actual box. It’s an article, but picture it like a box. It wouldn’t serve any real purpose, but it’s fun to imagine things. Even if it’s just a box.

What?

Hot Take No. 1: Chris Paul can’t win on the big stage

This take can’t go without mention because it comes up the same every year. Every year it’s the same. The same thing happens yearly. If there’s a year, something similar is going to happen. This will be the case until Chris Paul wins a championship or the sky falls.

Lots of things go into winning a game. Lots of players play in basketball games. Unfortunately, that means that even really excellent basketball players sometimes lose because the people on their team actually matter. Chris Paul is a very good basketball player. Chris Paul does not have a matching playoff record. Some people look at this as a noteworthy streak of bad luck and bad breaks. Other people look at it as a personal flaw.

It’s a hot take, but it’s been cooled to room temperature and microwaved so many times that any actual substance to it is gone. All that’s left is a warm, bland powder on a paper plate. It’s boring, but it’s there.

Hoticacity: 3 hots out of 10 hots

Hot Take No. 2: LaMarcus Aldridge is garbage

I didn’t go back and check, but as I recall LaMarcus Aldridge’s Game 1 statline was something like four points, three rebounds, two own goals, and one kidney stone. That’s probably untrue, but I want it to be true, therefore LaMarcus Aldridge is garbage.

If you want to qualify it some in a flimsy attempt at being reasonable, LaMarcus Aldridge is garbage in the playoffs. He’s not good enough to be a No. 2 player on a contender. Something-something not-a-max-player if you can’t perform when something-something.

I, for one, am convinced. What a disaster. Unfortunately, Aldridge has to deal with how good Kawhi has been, and Kawhi has been obscenely good. When the person next to you shines that bright, it’s hard not to cast a shadow. Let’s not forget that last year in the playoffs he had back-to-back games of 38 and 41. Let’s not forget he’s a five-time All Star. Sometimes bad games happen to good players. Trashing on some player for little reason is a bit hot, though. Microwaved twinkie hot.

Hoticacity: 5 hots out of 10 hots

Hot Take No. 3: Al Horford is a dirty player

He learned from Kelly Olynyk the value of injuring an opposing team’s big early in a series. Every Boston player is dirty, dating back to the 80s when villainous Larry Bird besmirched the boyish good looks and innocence of a doe-like Bill Laimbeer. It’s in the team’s DNA.

But let’s pile on for fun. Take a look at this list of dirty plays from Al Horford’s past that I’ve compiled.

1)

Well, I’m sure there are some. What makes a player dirty is less to do with doing dirty things but the absolute intentionality of their minds as the dirty things transpire. When I look at Al Horford’s face, I see the icy stare of a cat puncher. He’s most definitely dirty. Or he isn’t and summer is coming.

Hoticacity: 5.5 hots out of 10 hots

Hot Take No. 4: Tony Parker is done

Tony Parker is old and now injured. After Tim Duncan left the team, there’s no reason for him to return. He’s sad and lonely. He will never play basketball again, professional, French, or otherwise. After all, he’s already played longer than most do. Why would he come back?

This is pretty hot only in that it’s probably inaccurate, and that it’s a bad assumption to make. Don’t make assumptions about the Spurs. They aren’t like other teams. They aren’t like other people. The things they do defy logic. Making predictions about stuff that happens with them is just a good way to make yourself look stupid.

Hoticacity: 6 hots out of 10 dumbs

Hot Take No. 5: Isaiah Thomas has three interchangeable rows of teeth and they act like Samson’s hair except backwards

The only way someone could shrug off the things that have happened to them and persist like this is if they are somehow different. This tooth thing is particularly peculiar. Hours of oral surgery have been reported. Yet somehow Isaiah goes out there and breaks backs. This can’t be possible. Therefore, Isaiah must have lots of spare teeth crammed somewhere inside his face.

Going after human physiology is always a good way to bring the heat. Teeth are always a safe bet because teeth are weird. We don’t really understand teeth. Sure, we know what they do and the purpose they serve, but do we really grasp them on a deeper level? What exactly do teeth mean to you? Would you be okay with it if your pet or loved one suddenly had teeth? I think about this a lot.

Hoticacity: 8 hots out of 10 hots

Hot Take No. 6: Marcus Morris played for Markieff

Markieff had his body injured in Game 1 and came out in Game 2 as his team’s second best player. How is this possible? Well, what if it wasn’t actually his body doing the things? Look at this:

There is no way to tell them apart. Markieff may have been on an indoor hammock at a glow in the dark putt-putt rehabbing his leg and his brother Marcus stepped in to nail shots and play the basketball real good in his stead.

Unfortunately this isn’t true because Marcus Morris showed this year that he was incapable of playing basketball well.

Next: Which NBA players can help you survive the zombie apocalypse?

Still. Pretty hot. That’s a hot take. It had fraud, twin magic, tattoos, Twitter jokes with a shelf life of 75 minutes, and beards. I don’t know if it can get much hotter. Luckily we have weeks and weeks to find out.

Hoticacity: 9 hots out of 10 hots