What made baseball fun this week: Are we sure Carlos Beltran’s glove is dead?
By John Buhler
Sometimes, the Houston Astros decide to hold funerals for Carlos Beltran’s glove. When it comes back to life, what do you? Make baseball fun this week, duh!
What is this? Life on Mars or something? I’m confused, so I’m going to try to figure this out. Gloves are not alive, right? I mean, yeah, they’re made of leather, which come from like living things like cows and stuff. But were those cows alive when they were turned into leather? Probably not.
So a glove can’t be alive because it’s dead then. Then why on Planet Earth did that Band of Astros hold The Funeral for Carlos Beltran’s glove? It was dead the whole time like Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. Forrest Gump’s son might have seen dead people, but he couldn’t have seen this celebration of the life of Beltran’s outfield mitt by the Reverend Brian McCann.
Well, what if I told you that Beltran NEEDED his outfield mitt just a few days later? So do they like Frankenstein his glove and put bolts in its neck? It’s alive, but not Carlos Correa’s finger. Are these two events correlated: the resurrection of Beltran gloves and the demise of Correa digit? One thousand percent, yes. Psst, it’s science.
I’m pretty sure Beltran’s glove is a zombie that’s been sent back in time to kill us all. How’s Rick Grimes doing? Can he handle a glove better than Michael Jackson? He’s certainly better at it than David “I love when you call me Big Papi” Ortiz.
I don’t know what to think anymore because we just clearly all live in Imaginationland and a half-step key change from Stan and Kyle bringing Christmas Critters and ManBearPig to life. Before Beltran’s double living dead baseball gloves comes back to kill us all, here are some pictures and some YouTube videos to click on in your final days before it’s all Shaun of the Dead. I’ll be at the Winchester. That’s my plan. What’s yours?
Dead or Alive: Carlos Beltran’s outfield mitt?
Watch out here it comes. Carlos Beltran’s outfield mitt is Wanted, Dead or Alive. It wasn’t dead yet, but Father McCann and his congregation held a ceremony for it in the outfield just the other day. It was short-lived, as Beltran NEEDED it to come back to life and be Alive Again. Who knew that 40-year-old virgins DHs needed things in their hands besides bats? You learn something everyday.
I mean, if you’re not terrified about this glove coming to get you, then you’ll just go bye-bye like everybody that didn’t matter in Zombieland. Columbus and Tallahassee were a killer tag team. Together, we learned that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl one day and that while coconut tastes good, we really hate the consistency of it when its shredded. Snowballs! Wichita and Little Rock were pretty cool, too, except when they stole things. Don’t steal things. You”ll lose friends that way.
Look What You’ve Done, Pastor McCann. You made a fool out of everyone that half-assed funeral. It’s like a Band of Horses concert without Ben Bridwell, it just doesn’t work and No One’s Gonna Love You more than you do. If this botched glove funeral leads to the Astros not winning the World Series for some reason, you know where you heard it first. #WhatsGloveGotToDoWithIt #IBelieveInAThingCalledGlovesComingBackToLife
Kung Fu Panda Express: Logan to San Francisco International
When a man’s gotta eat, a man’s gotta eat. Pablo Sandoval had all the money in the world, but wasn’t going to keep on buying beans and chowda in Boston. He wanted some burgers, man, like In-N-Out Burgers, man. So he got done with the Red Sox and is going back to the Lights in the city by the bay-e-yeah…
With the Giants, the Kung Fu Panda was doing some good, old-fashioned Jack Black Karate coming a yeah ha at third base. Like, the dude caught that ball to win a third World Series in five years. Basically, Sandoval is going going back back to Cali Cali strictly for the baseball and the burgers on the 7:30 on the Panda Express.
He’s going to be great for San Francisco because that’s where you join super teams like Kevin Durant. More importantly, he knows where all the good food places are, as Guy Fieri’s greatest disciple. Places that don’t sell beans and chowda, but mostly burger joints. Vince Wilfork overalls it’s good to have the Kung Fu Panda back in the Bay Area. He will be greeted by manager/dietician Bruce Bochy in the losing Giants dugout. These are the Good Times.
Dodger Stadium is selling out…but not that way.
It’s been called Dodger Stadium of 55 years, but times they are a-changing. Apparently there is going to be a mad Sell Out in Chavez Ravine. I think they’re going with Something Corporate. We’re gonna re-name Dodger Stadium…now!
Will it be as classy as Mercedes-Benz Superdome? Let’s hope it’s more fun than that because that’s the whole point of this column: making baseball fun every week so you don’t have to.
Top-tier names for Dodger Stadium have to include The General Stadium, Hot Pockets Stadium and Subway Stadium to really confuse the many Angelenos that can’t watch not Vin Scully on TV. Heard the new dude’s good though, but I don’t do radio because the Video Killed the Radio Star.
There will be no subterranean train system to get people to Choco Taco Field nor will they sell gross Clayton Kershaw subs at Pixy Stix Park. It’s all about Sugar! and Chop Suey! at Panda Express Ballpark. Or we could just call it Ball Park Ballpark, double down on some Dodger Dogs and watch some good baseball from the Boys in Blue.
Minor league M’s’ seven-hour Uber voyage
In about a day, D.J. Peterson and Daniel Vogelbach NEEDED to get from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma. Philadelphia? Atlanta? L.A.? The minor leaguers in the Seattle Mariners system play for the AAA Tacoma Raniers and didn’t want to deal with American Airlines because of all that 7-9 B.S. about former Los Angeles Rams head coach Jeff Fisher needing his emotional support animal (also named Jeff Fisher) on that flight To Albuquerque from Phoenix. It’s like a state away, man.
No, Peterson and Vogelbach didn’t Call Saul. He was busy, we think, and they didn’t want to leave a message after the beep. Instead, Peterson channeled his inner Shareece Wright and straight up Ubered it to New Mexico. Oh, Inverted World, what is wrong with you? This isn’t some Bull Durham, but American Airlines needs to do better and not botch this flight like Dr. Mantis Toboggan performed his own surgery with a toe knife.
Well, Peterson and Vogelbach might be feeling better now, but the news is out and American Airlines needs to get out or Gaylord Focker is going to say bomb on an airplane repeatedly and forever be out of the Circle of Trust. For their troubles, Peterson and Vogelbach put a little more than 5 on it and paid the greatest Uber driver in the world $683.52. Not too bad for a 14-hour work day. Hope his AC worked.
Christie, are you doing okay?
No, New Jersey governor Chris Christie didn’t take The Offspring of his to closed off beach to Keep ‘Em Separated from the Original Pranksters that want to Hit That dad of theirs for not doing okay at his job.
With that approval rating of his that is definitely below the Mendoza Line, Christie took himself out to the ball game and the Citi Field crowd took him out after he decided to catch this foul ball in the New York Mets’ home game against the St. Louis Cardinals. The Kids Aren’t Alright with Christie apparently.
Next: 27 MLB Records That Will Never Be Broken
Christie is not The King of Queens, nor is he The Boss back in Jersey. Technically, he is a boss in New Jersey, but he wasn’t Born to Run the Garden State for very long. All Christie knows is that he’s Gotta Get Away from Queens. Unless he’s down with walking dogs and Arthur Spooner. The Heffernans would appreciate that and so would George Costanza’s father.