Premier League interesting rankings: Arsenal in a death spiral, Newcastle finally get points

Arsenal look to be on the brink of complete collapse while Manchester United remain perfect. Here’s our updated Premier League Interesting Rankings.

20. Crystal Palace (Last Week: 20)

Oh, Crystal Palace. The Eagles are one of two remaining Premier League clubs yet to score a single goal this season. They were defeated at home 2-0 by Swansea on Saturday. Surely they will score a goal at some point over the next few weeks, right?

19. Brighton (LW: 17)

Brighton are the other team that haven’t scored a league goal over the first three matches. Of the three promoted clubs, the Seagulls, in the early days of this Premier League season, look the most likely to be sent right back down to the Championship. Sure, they got their first point by drawing with Watford last weekend, but they better find some goals in a hurry.

18. West Ham (LW: 14)

The Hammers have given up 10 goals in three games and sit dead last in the table. They were readily handled (it was very hard not to make another “hammered” joke here) by Newcastle at St. James’ Park on Saturday. Either Chicharito is going to have to break the Premier League goalscoring record or someone else on the team has to step up if West Ham hope to stay up.

17. Bournemouth (LW: 19)

The Cherries put up a decent fight against Manchester City at home on Saturday, scoring their first Premier League goal of the season en route to a 1-2 loss. Their lone goal from Charlie Daniels is an early contender for goal of the season. Look at this freaking thing.

16. West Brom (LW: 15)

West Brom are fifth in the league table. This past weekend they drew with Stoke. They are boring. The Baggies get Brighton after the international break, followed by West Ham, Arsenal and Watford. What I’m trying to say is that West Brom have a very favorable early schedule. They will eventually slide down the table.

WEST BROMWICH, ENGLAND – AUGUST 27: Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting of Stoke City lies injured during the Premier League match between West Bromwich Albion and Stoke City at The Hawthorns on August 27, 2017 in West Bromwich, England. (Photo by Jan Kruger/Getty Images) /

15. Stoke (LW: 13)

My favorite team to pick on in the Premier League picked up another point in their draw away to West Brom. Peter Crouch was gifted the equalizer when a defender absolutely whiffed on a clearance. It was a very Stoke goal. It was a very late-era Crouch goal.

14. Southampton (LW: 12)

The Saints secured a point in a scoreless draw with Premier League darlings Huddersfield on Saturday. Southampton are currently eighth in the table, which is probably right around where they will finish at the end of the season. Even the Virgil van Dijk transfer drama has grown tiresome.

13. Swansea (LW: 18)

Swansea made a jump up the league table and also our interesting rankings after securing their first Premier League win of the season by defeating boring-ass Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park on Saturday. Tammy Abraham, on loan from Chelsea, scored the opener in 44th minute. Jordan Ayew provided the insurance goal four minutes later. Good job, Swans, I guess.

12. Leicester (LW: 9)

The Foxes were the unfortunate club that had to play Manchester United this week. Naturally, they lost. Leicester held the Red Devils scoreless for 70 minutes before the inevitable goals came. Next up: defending champions Chelsea. Sorry boutcha, Foxes.

11. Newcastle (LW: 16)

Newcastle broke out of their slump in impressive fashion, thrashing a flailing West Ham 3-0 at home on Saturday. Joselu opened the scoring in the first half before Ciaran Clark and Aleksander Mitrovic finished things off in the second half. Fans of the Magpies will hope this is the beginning of a period of improved play for their side.

WATFORD, ENGLAND – AUGUST 26: Lewis Dunk of Brighton and Hove Albion and Abdoulaye Doucoure of Watford battle for possession during the Premier League match between Watford and Brighton and Hove Albion at Vicarage Road on August 26, 2017 in Watford, England. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images) /

10. Watford (LW: 8)

Their scoreless draw with Brighton on Saturday saw the Hornets continue their streak of taking at least a point from their opening-season matches. However, it was still a scoreless draw with Brighton at home. Let me be clear, Watford: you are very much in danger of falling out of the top 10 in these interesting rankings. Consider yourself warned.

9. Tottenham (LW: 7)

Dele Alli scored again for Spurs on Sunday. Unfortunately for Tottenham supporters, their club gave up a stoppage-time equalizer at Wembley Stadium to Burnley. Yikes. Spurs still haven’t won in their temporary digs. They better start handling their biz or they are in for a long season.

8. Burnley (LW: 10)

Taking a point from Spurs at Wembley keeps interesting rankings-favorite Burnley in the top 10. Chris Wood’s 92nd minute equalizer also helped. After the break the Clarets are #blessed to be able to take on still-boring-ass Crystal Palace. Get them points, Burnley.

7. Everton (LW: 4)

Losing away to Chelsea isn’t the worst thing in the world by any means, but the result tempers the excitement the Toffees generated in their two previous games that saw Wayne Rooney score in each. They still need to find a reliable goalscorer to make some serious noise this season.

6. Arsenal (LW: 6)

Oh my god. The Gunners are like a thousand dumpster fires dumped into a gigantic dumpster fire. They were completely dismantled by Liverpool at Anfield on Sunday, losing 4-0. Arsenal also look set to lose Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain to Chelsea. Ox is probably elated to escape his current situation. How much longer does Arsene Wenger have?

BOURNEMOUTH, ENGLAND – AUGUST 26: David Silva of Manchester City in action during the Premier League match between AFC Bournemouth and Manchester City at Vitality Stadium on August 26, 2017 in Bournemouth, England. (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images) /

5. Manchester City (LW: 11)

City got back to winning ways in crazy fashion Saturday, beating Bournemouth 2-1 at Vitality Stadium (what a horrible stadium name) thanks to a 97th-minute winner from Raheem Sterling. To add to the crazy, Sterling was shown his second yellow after the goal for celebrating too much, or something. LOL.

4. Huddersfield (LW: 2)

Go on, Terriers! Fine, a scoreless draw with Southampton isn’t the most exciting thing that’s ever happened on a soccer field, I’ll grant you that. But Huddersfield are unbeaten in the Premier League, winning two of their first three matches. And they get total train wreck West Ham after the international break.

3. Chelsea (LW: 5)

Chelsea seem to be regaining their championship swagger as they downed Everton 2-0 at Stamford Bridge on Sunday. Sexy Cesc Fabregas bagged the opener before Alvaro Morata, who assisted on the first, scored his second goal of the season for his new club. That shocking opening loss to Burnley continues to gradually disappear in Chelsea’s rear-view mirror.

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2. Liverpool (LW: 3)

Beating the ever-living piss out of Arsenal on Sunday was almost enough for Liverpool to claim the top spot in these rankings. Almost. Roberto Firmino, Sadio Mane, Mohamed Salah and Daniel Sturridge each took their turn embarrassing the Gunners. The Reds’ big matchup with Manchester City after the break will be their chance to establish themselves as true title contenders for this Premier League season.

1. Manchester United (LW: 1)

United decided to take it easy on Leicester Saturday, only scoring two goals instead of their customary four. It was nice of the rest of the squad to let Marouane Fellaini score a goal. Marcus Rashford was also on the scoresheet. For those scoring at home, that makes 10 goals scored for the Red Devils in their first three matches. They have given up zero goals. That’s pretty good. Also, Zlatan comin’.

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